Hope your Fathers Day/ Holiday was better than mine

My deepest apologies for sharing my sucky, albeit shiotty, fathers day (life) experience here. Yet when all is said and done, as mentioned in prior posts, I don't talk to a whole lot of people anymore. So again, apologies for complaining about my life, as we all have our own problems in this world.

I don't know about anyone else, yet I find it extremely difficult believing anyone wants you around, when, those individuals do things like interrupt you mid-sentence, only to talk over you (if not altogether kicking you out of your own conversation you were attempting to have). I dont know how this would make you feel if it repeatedly happened, however, it makes me feel even less wanted in this life than I already feel I am.

Yet this Fathers day, as I always do, sitting there somberly and awkwardly all quiet like, at my dad's dinning room table. Yet the one time I attempted to say anything, my dad's wife (like she's always done over the last 30yrs working together in my his business) goes out of her way to talk over me, asking my dad something, which had absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about, right in the middle of what I was saying.

This, right here, sent me down in yet another unwanted depressional episode (which are much fun, arent they? …... Not!!!)

Yet the very next day, attempting to have a brief moment spent with my dad, he brings up this online business idea (which is great and all, however, I am so not business orientated person). And while it took me a few days to get around to watching the tutorial videos he sent me on these ideas, it probably would have been better if I waited to watch those videos until I had fully woken up (or waited until I wasnt in such a depressed state), instead of doing just that and watched em when I first woke up.

That being said, however, doing this only sent me even deeper down the rabbit hole of this deep/ dark depression. Simply bcuz – well, I wont kid myself anymore, I am nothing but a failure in this life (hence why I walked out in front of my first moving vehicle when I was 7y/o.... I was a failure then as I am still am now).

However, today as I was – again – attempting to spend a little time with my dad, he brings up those business idea's again, asking what I thought of them. Nevertheless, I simply could not answer his question (as I awkwardly sat there in silence), bcuz last year he's stated that bcuz he doesnt know what to say to me anymore, is why he keeps his distance and doesnt talk to me. He's also gone as far as to say that same year, that when I come around (when im depressed) it affects him, and again, he keeps his distance bcuz of how it does affect him.

And this is the reason I could not answer his question today, bcuz if I did, it would have been about that in which he does not wish to hear (or know)... Yet as I continued to sit there, amid our awkward silence, he asks the question – so, have any projects going on these days?

And while this was an innocent enough question, it really got to me, as he knows that simply walking up and down a flight of stairs isn't easy for me anymore. Never mind the kitchenette he helped me build a couple weeks ago. He saw how simply climbing up and down a simple step-stools was wrecking havoc on my bum knee.

I then told him, the only project I've got going on is simply trying to deal with this never ending depression I just cant seem to escape from. And seeings how I pretty much live in pain these days, I highly doubt I will be starting up any new projects.

I guess the real reason all this has bothered me today (and fathers day) is bcuz - well, I have spent not only the last 30yrs working for him, but also wrote him a plethora of emails going into great depths on just how all these issues I was diagnosed with affect my life. Yet he claims he's read all those emails. However, when it all is said and done, he acts and behaves as if he has absolutely no clue on how my life is when having a moment.

Mind you, im not trying to talk bad about, or saying bad about him here. Yet when I was 19 he had asked the question “how can you love that in which you did not want in your life”? Yet when I pressed him on what he meant by this, asking, so what, bcuz you didnt want your kids you dont love them? The only thing he said was “that's not what I said”. Yet that was it. Nothing else was said after that, as I sat there in awkward silence, prior to getting up/ turning around and as confused as ever walked out of his office.

Never mind the time when he got right up in my face, telling me, he hated having to keep me employed there (in his business), bcuz everyone there walks on egg shells around me, not knowing what to do or say in order not to trigger me/ set me off. Which totally and utterly surprised me, leaving me completely speechless/ not knowing what to say (doing as I always do, stood there in awkward silence), bcuz 9 times out of 10 when I am triggered, I will leave the situation and find a remote/ secluded place, albeit room, to retreat in - just so - what I am going through does not affect anyone else around. Yet seems I just cant do anything right in this life without pissing someone off (even if what I am doing is the right thing).

I dont know, maybe im just over thinking things here.

Yet whenever my older brother and sister are in the same room with him, he will be all sorts of chatting it up with them. Yet when it comes to him and I sitting in the same room, there is nothing by awkward silence which permeates the air between us.

Sorry things are so awkward with your dad.

Are you on an antidepressant?

Just one of the many joys of being the product of two individuals having a unwanted child i guess? Thank you though


It's been brought up many times by past therapists, and said tthat I should, indeed, be on medication.

That being said, however, I wont take any medications (for my own reasons ofc)... I know there are many who will scoff and ridicule me for this decision. Yet as I mentioned before - I have my reasons.


In the past (when I still had a job and could afford it) I took a more natural approach to my issues. If only prices around the world weren't sky rocketing these days (such is life however)

No. That's fine you don't want meds. Husband is the same way (he also has valid reasons). I wish I didn't have to take a ridiculous amount of meds, but fear without my AP right now I would be completely manic and psychotic.

But yeah. It's ridiculous how much things are these days with inflation. We spend an insane amount on groceries these days! Much more than we used to spend. I mean, a small can of PUMPKIN is like two dollars! Jeez Louise.

Are you on SSDI? I am. But luckily Husband works full-time and makes a decent amount so we're okay.

Things are awkward with my parents too. I try to avoid them as much as possible because they trigger me so. We have opposite views on everything and my mom scares me. A lot. Before I moved out at the age of 21 I was gaslit and verbally abused a lot, and I'm 41 (will be 42 in August) and it still has left a scar unfortunately. A scar that kind of reopens everytime I'm with them. I tend to completely shut down and not say a word.

I feel bad because I know they want to get to know Daughter, but things are just TOO painful for me. My therapist recommended I write a letter or a text to my mom expressing my feelings. I did that, but didn't send it (because the repercussions would be TERRIBLE) and it helped me a little. I read it to Huaband and Daughter and had my therapist read it. Maybe you could try writing a letter or a text to your dad expressing your feelings? You don't have to give it or send it to him. Sometimes it helps just to get the feels down.

Just an idea.

Do you have a therapist?

it completely slipped my mind (fathers day I mean)

I never met mine, so it doesn't matter anyway- if anything I'm really glad I forgot about it because it meant I can avoid the heartache of it all

@raspberrytorte - There are times in which (once im off my rocker) that I need something, as my entire world gets turned upside down/ inside out, where nothing makes sense.

Been in and out of therapy since I was 17 (will be the big 5 – 0 next year) and while thousands have been spent and wasted. Not once did any of it help – whatsoever.

I personally love and relish my manic moments. The high is the best ive ever felt in my entire life. Now if only that could be bottled up and sold.

I did try the whole applying for disability, however, due to be in the thralls of one of the worst depressions. Yeah, once the day came for a tel-health session w/ their counselors, I just couldn't do it anymore. Ended up walking away from it. It simply was far too much for me to go through at that time.

So to answer your question; no. I am not on any SSDI or Disability at this time. Personally, I would much rather be working. However, due to my bum knee and bad back (along w/ how all these issues affect my everyday life), I have no idea what I can do at this time within my ability to work.

Apologies for mentioning this (if you're easily triggered, by all means, please don't read anymore from this point on), however, I hope and wish to simply pass away in my sleep. Because yeah, this simply is not living.

I hear that, both my parents trigger me in such a BIG way. And yet, neither one of them give ya a break from the madness. It's only been recently my dad has came around to accepting I actually have issues. That being said, however, he still pushes the envelope (suggesting this money making scheme, to the next business idea) more than I would like em too.

But yeah, it is completely Night and Day in relation to opposite views on everything w/ them. Once had to talk one of my therapists out of having me committed. Yet then I made the mistake of turning to my dad, telling him about the whole ordeal. Only for him to turn right around, without pause, and said he's thought about having me committed several times over the years (which totally blind sided me and caught me off guard hearing).

I have had “that hope” of sharing and expressing with them about what it is I go through on a daily basis (lost track of just how many emails and letters I've written and sent my dad over the years). Yet to this day, its as if he's never read any of them. Which is disheartening to say the least, having invested all that time and energy in written, only for it to fall on deaf ears.

But no, currently I am not in therapy. Simply just sit here amid these four walls, watching the day languidly fade off into the distance.

@emily1890 I am genuinely sorry to hear that.... My oldest doesnt know me (not for a lack of trying). I wish things could be different, however, i highly doubt that will ever happen.

I'm sorry to hear you've written and given letters to your dad over the years and he still doesn't seem to understand. My mom would not only not understand but FREAK THE FUKK OUT, like show up at my doorstep freak out! It would be SCARY. So she's not getting the text, but it made me feel better after I wrote it and shared it with those closest to me.

I'm sad that you're so depressed. How long do your depressions normally last? After a depression do you normally go into manic mode? My last major manic episode (I wasn't on an AP at the time) temporarily destroyed my life, but I also experienced the most euphoric, spiritual moment of my life! It was amazing! Right now I'm a tad hypo, but it's managed because I'm on an AP, so no delusions or anything, which is good, just lack of sleep and EXTREME hypersexuality.

I've been committed before. Well, I was given the option to go voluntarily or involuntarily, and I always chose voluntarily (better to go that way if you're stuck anyway). I hate the hospital. Boring. Gross food. Bad showers. Always take me off my benzo. Not fun.

I don't like telehealth either, but luckily at the time I wasn't really seeing an actual therapist (just my case manager) and my psychiatrist and I did phone calls.

If you're not on SSDI or working, how do you support yourself? (If you don't mind me asking. I'm just curious.)

Do you have anyone other than your parents you could confide in, if you don't have a therapist? Spouse, friend, etc.? Maybe someone who would be more understanding?

(((Hugs)))

There are times, with my dad, I might as well be talking to a brick wall. As it feels anything I say goes right in one ear and right out the other. After I was diagnosed, I thought everyone (family included) had “a right to know” who and what they were dealing with/ talking to.

Sadly, however, I did not get the response, albeit reaction, in which I had hoped for. None of my family wants anything to do with this (and I mean NONE)... I can't tell how many times I've tried un-aliving myself over the years. Apologies if that is oversharing, though, as ive found that can be a sensitive subject for some...

On the short end of the (depressional) stick, it may last a few months. On the long end, however, it can last for years. Think this last one lasted some 7 or 8yrs, give or take (of course there were manic phases, yet those were usually few/ far in between).

Covid absolutely wrecked me (though ive never had covid myself), was more of losing people around me. As well as losing the job I worked for the last 30yrs, lost my health insurance, my home, the relationship I was attempting to have after being single for 10yrs (which emphatically took a MAJOR toll on me, mentally speaking. Ended up losing 70lbs {though I wish I could lose all that all over again}, and became even more of a shut-in recluse than I ever have).

The business I was working at closed down, was forced to move yet again, then winterize a mobile travel trailer for that coming winter, along with being hit with debilitating hypoglycemia, due to all the extreme fasting I find myself lost in doing at the time). Never mind having a bum knee, along with having to demolish the business Id worked at for some many years prior (along w/ everything mentioned above after all that – fun times, lemme tell ya....... not).

All in all, I just wanted it all to end, yet here I still am (sadly)...... Again, apologies for oversharing here

I was put into a 24 hour suicide watch at the local ER here in my home town, back in my mid 20s. Been arrested a few times over the decades for my mania going off the walls bonkers (although I still feel I had good reason doing what I had done. Yet seems not everyone else agreed).

At this very moment, I would say im a mixed-bag of sorts. On one side of the coin I feel awesome sauce amazing. On the flip side of that same coin, however, im all over the place. One of the many joys of juggling multiple diagnoses I guess? Ranging from BPD (borderline personality dis, in case ya didnt know what “bpd” meant – some dont), bipolar #1 with rapid cycling along side psychotic tendencies (though that has more to do with the intense triggers and depression that comes with it all), PTSD – which could be argued to be Complex-PTSD, Agoraphobia, D.I.D. And Social Anxiety (which really horrible bouts of extreme insomnia, my average is 36 to 48hrs awake, to then crashing out for a long time, only to rinse and repeat. Been stuck in this phase for the last 3 months now).

This one is hard for me to admit here, however, the supporting myself right now bit I mean.... At this moment I am living in a furnace room in my dads garage (was cooking out the adjacent bathroom for awhile, up until my dad helped me build a kitchenette of sorts in the corner of the garage). Aside from that, he does help with $$ when I am in need of things. Aside from that, however, I do my very best to just live without and stay trapped within these four walls pretty much 24/7 (even my dad makes jokes when I do finally come out of my hole in house, though I dont find it all that funny).

The only person who will even remotely talk to me anymore is my ex. Sadly, we decided to call it quits (having more to do with me than anything), simply bcuz I just cant handle being in a relationship – as Im far too emotional needy and clingy. Yet she understands my past and has decided to remain in my life no matter what. Which to be 1000%, I am so (BEYOND) thankful for. I dont know what I would do if she didnt talk to me everyday, like we do. Aside from that, weeks (if not months) can pass before I will actually have a conversation with another living soul

Thanks for the (((Huggs))) btw.... (((Huggs))) back. That and, thank you for taking the time to not only read my post, but also replying back my comments as well (sorry for the too long to read replys back here btw). Hope you and your family are having a blessed and awesome sauce kind of day :-)

I am very sorry that you have been suffering for so long with depression?
perhaps you could benefit from a mood stabilizer like lamictal. It helps with depression. It is a well respected medication that has been well studied.
again I am sorry that you are suffering so.
I wish for you to have some relief. I think there is a 24/7 hotline for folks to talk to someone if they are in a crisis or need to talk to some one. I think it is 988.
blessings be.
bizi

I would suggest tellehealth therapy if you can. Community health generally has a sliding scale fee so it may cost nothing. Maybe there are resources you don't know about. look up if soar can help you get disability. I'm glad you have a kitchenette now. It's hard being so isolated. What do you do for fun?

@Victoria'smom Mainly, the only fun there is anymore is either copious youtube videos, that or playing video games (even at my age, yes, i play video games.... as the old tv commercial used to go "I dont wanna grow up bcuz im a toys r' us kid"... haha - does that store even exist anymore). Don't know what else an agoraphobic recluse can do for fun.