Bipolar Check-in #81

Oof, bad night of sleep. My pdoc increased the ambien to 1and a half at night but I don’t want to take that all the time. I’ll just get used to it. I don’t want to end up back on 20 mg. My sleep is messed up. I read to far into the night and then couldn’t get to sleep. Sadly I remember no dreams. I thought I slept lightly a few times.

Orange I’m sorry you’re having such troubles. I hope both you and you son get better.

Moose that sounds so uncomfortable I hope the doctor can and will do something. Maybe temporary you can give your card to your mom?

I'm up. Got about 4 hours of sleep. I'm going to browse the internet and try and get more sleep. I didn't have to take the doxepin I'm trying to slowly reduce. I'm going to have some Bengal spice tea. It's caffeine free and really good. I love it, lol. I'm hoping I get drowsy and can get a couple more hours of sleep. I'm meeting my new Dr today at 3. I feel really gross bc I can't get the 2 layer wrap wet. I bought a new cast cover, but I'm not going to use it until Thursday night when I take a shower bc if it does get wet it will only be wet for about 13 hours. I go to the wound clinic Friday to get my 2 layer wrap changed. I hope I can get more sleep.

@Nammu
Sorry about the sleep. Does the ambien make you feel at all weird before falling asleep? I tried it once and just couldn't take it. I found myself fighting sleep terribly and panicking. It was terrifying.

@moose
Your tongue situation sounds awful and painful. I had a sore on my inside cheek for 3 weeks b/c I had a temporary crown that rubbed against my cheek. Even that made eating painful. I can't imagine having the problem w/ your tongue and entire mouth! I am SO glad I got the permanent crown put in yesterday. It is much more comfortable, and already my cheek is starting to heal.

As for me, I've come to the conclusion that I need to lessen my caffeine intake b/c it is causing manicky symptoms-agitation, doing chores too fast, high anxiety. I woke up and felt fine but after a morning cup of coffee my anxiety was sky high again and I was a bit manicky, dropping things, spilled an entire Yeti cup full of ice water (and the ice in chips) all over the couch and living room floor. I guess at least it was water. Of course, I had also taken my morning meds about 30 min. prior.

I calmed down a bit after my walk but had a 2nd cup of coffee with my breakfast. Now I'm agitated, dropping things, slightly manicky again.

Oh, but I LOVE coffee! May have to buy some decaffeinated and in the meantime drink herbal tea in the morning instead. I like herbal tea with honey but I don't like it as much as I love coffee.

Anyone else here have a problem with caffeine shooting their anxiety sky high and worsening mania? Did you have to stop drinking coffee, soda, tea with caffeine completely to help it?

I also am only 2 weeks into taking Lamictal and my full dose of Seroquel again and I know most meds take 4-6 weeks to fully kick in.

Edit:
I put the kettle on to boil to make some chamomile tea in the hopes that it will calm me down. I feel like I have hypomania right now along with high anxiety and jitteriness

I'm doing good today. I got rid of the bug I had yesterday. I just had to sleep a lot. Today I went to a couple grocery stores early. I'm at home now just hanging out and watching TV.

I’m doing good. For a few days I was sleeping a ton. Like 16 hours a day , 10 hours a day plus a nap, etc. that lasted about 4 days. I’m starting to get some energy back though. Idk what that was about. At first I thought I was getting depressed because I don’t normally sleep that excessively. My mood was fine though. I was just really tired for some reason and just kept sleeping.

I took a walk today which was nice to get out. I returned a book to the library. I also finished another book on my kindle today. The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. It was really good. I love his books based in stoic philosophy. I started a new cozy fantasy novel.

So I didn’t get much done the past few days because I was mostly sleeping, I’m hoping to make up for all that though the next few days I’m hoping to be more productive. I have a violin lesson tomorrow night. I haven’t been practicing as much as I’d like mainly due to struggling with lack of motivation and energy. I also really need to clean because I’ve been slacking on that severely. Also due to lack of motivation and energy. I know these are the types of things though that once you start then motivation follows. It’s just a matter of actually STARTING a task and not procrastinating.

Anyway, my mood is fine it’s just I need to get out of this kind of slump I’m in. I’d like to do some artwork too.

Blueberry. No I love the ambien. I have no side effects from it except it helps me fall asleep and the getting used to it. Technically the recommendation is 5mg for women and 10 mg for men, but I was on 20mg for years. It stopped working for me. And I asked the pdoc to wean me off. He did but I was such a mess and afraid to try any other sleep med so went back on this at 7.5 mg. I quickly got used to that so he put me back on 10mg and added gabapentin at night . It was working for a long time. But then started petering out. I’ve got a great pdoc now. He gets that sleep is very important for my stability. He says it’s not just the latuda but the combination of both that have kept me stable.

I cling to my stability like a wet cat in a bath clinging to an arm. I really don’t want an episode.

I’m so glad I don’t like coffee, but I do have a morning glass of chai latte every morning and usually 1 can of Pepsi during the day. So I do get caffeine but less than what’s in coffee. But mum was an avid drinker. 5-6 cups a day. She did have anxiety but she drank that much all her adult life.

I forgot to take my Geodon. I woke up at 5:30 and I took my AM meds then. I thought I had taken my Gedon before I fell asleep at 11. Which is when I normally take it.But I counted and I had an even number. I was starting to feel weird like something was off med wise. So I thought back and realized how quickly I fell asleep. I took it half an hour ago and now I don't feel weird anymore.

@Lady_Bird
Glad you are getting some energy back and walking is fantastic for both your exercise and your mood.

What cozy mystery are you reading right now? I love reading mystery, hard-boiled, police procedural, noir, cozy, you name it. Right now I'm reading an Anne Perry mystery and am finally progressing in it since the mania has calmed down quite a bit. I LOVE reading! Hence the "book" part of my name. Not sure about the blueberry part, I mean I like blueberries just fine but it's not like they are my favorite food or anything, just liked the 2 words together, I suppose.

@Nammu
You are SO right about sleep being important to stability. I learned that years ago. If my sleep goes, mania soon follows. The pdoc I had prior to this one stressed sleep a TON and so does my current pdoc. If my sleep heads south, I'm calling the pdoc, and even if his office is closed leaving an urgent message on his mobile to call back because that is how important sleep is to my stability.

Which also may be part of the reason I'm more jittery and anxious today. I had 5.5 hr. of sleep which is better than nothing but it's a lot less than my usual 8-9 hr. My sleep has been a real toss-up lately.

Oh I’m not reading cozy mystery, cozy fantasy is what I’m reading. Right now I’m reading the charming cove series by Linsey Hall. It’s like light fantasy, romance, comedy and cozy. I’m also reading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas. Those aren’t cozy fantasy though those are just straight up fantasy and I love them reading is a lot of fun. I’ve finally got my ability to focus mostly back. So I’ve been reading a lot

Ughh doc I saw last week called, but I didn’t answer because I’m at the library, and she said to call back or wait until she calls back later. Given lab tests just got back today after being taken last Friday, and the “call so we can discuss your test results,” I’d normally say they found something (and also my ex sleeping around and trying to reach out repeatedly),’but a lot of my symptoms aren’t as bad. My immune system is pretty good, I definitely had an infected cut a few weeks ago, and I didn’t get it treated hoping I’d go into septic shock, but the redness and swelling chilled out. We’ll see I guess.

We discussed some reality acceptance in therapy today. I’m pretty good at that. I don’t expect anything good from anyone haha.

Yes, about the caffeine. I don't drink caffeine at all anymore. I do have 2 coke zeros when I wake up. And then 2 when I take my meds at night. That's when I feel like my old self and I talk to my best friend who works 3rd shift at a gas station in Indiana. I love her I've known her 9 years but we've never met, lol. We met online. We are straight but have a ton in common. Anyway yeah I can't have coffee at all and I used to love it.

The doctor I complained about called me. Called in a compounded mouth rinse that has numbing stuff in it I think. It was $55 for six doses and I had to put it on my credit card because that’s the only way I could pay! Haven’t tried it yet. Pdoc called in Risperdal for the not sleeping and the over spending.

I got eight hours of sleep last night!!!! Yippie! Yay! I feel FANTASTIC! 😊

Pawpaws funeral was beautiful. The army honor guard scared me when they fired the guns. Shocked me. But it is over now. He’s gone. :’(

I'm feeling sluggish. Been up since 3:30am. Just couldn't get back to sleep and it was too late (early?) to take melatonin at that stage so I just lay in bed til 4:00am then got up. Lately I've been restricting myself to 2 cups of coffee a day, max, so it's not that. I have a busy mind but I'm certainly not hypo.

I'm feeling a bit more "settled" - or is it "accepting" - about work. I know my difficult class are always going to be difficult and challenging. And I know that if I just keep documenting and recording the kids will get suspended. Eventually. The way they speak to me is revolting. You should have seen how they treated a sub teacher yesterday who was just here for the day. Running around chasing each other in the classroom and they picked up chairs and barracaded the door so no one could get in. He called me (probably the worst person to call) in the last 5 minutes and asked me to help him. I had to literally stand by the other door to stop students from escaping because they were all trying to go out to lunch early.

On another note, I went to an optometrist 3 weeks ago to finally get my eyes tested. I'd been putting it off but have noticed in the last 3 months when driving I'm battling to see signs from a distance. Turns out to be no suprise that I need glasses but my glasses haven't arrived yet. The optometrist is as annoyed as I am and said he's using a new courier company and doesn't know why it's taking so long. Fingers crossed I get them today. Really want them before the weekend! I want to see what it's like to travel a far distance with the glasses on. They're multifocal so I don't need to take them off when reading because I don't need them for that.

@Blueberrybook

I can't drink a lot of coffee. It makes me anxious, but I drink A LOT of ginger lemon green tea, and that doesn't make me anxious. I also have the occasional coke zero, and on Fridays my therapist and I go out for coffee and I always get a sugar free vanilla soy latte. So I have one coffee beverage a week. But that's all.

I hope the chamomile tea helps your anxiety. Do you have any prn seroquel you can take? I can take an extra 100mg and if I'm feeling anxious I cut it in half and take 50mg and it calms me down.

I used to be a caffeine fiend. It never really amped me up or made me anxious, but I could actually function after my 3 cups o' Joe in the AM (yeah.........). It wasn't even that I was sleepy and needed to wake up, but the caffeine just sorta helped me straighten my thoughts out more. Stimulants kind of affect me differently though. I fall asleep after taking Adderall.

Doc said my labs were normal (well, with what they tested for). Pretty good. All I want to do is sleep lately (I mean, that's kinda been a thing for a while, but it's been worse this week, and I haven't really been getting out as much as I want). I hope it doesn't lead to a depressive episode. Bipolar has actually been really stable lately. Weird, being off meds. They say meds can make BPD worse though so maybe I was confusing some BPD symptoms with mood episode symptoms. I kinda wonder if I have BP at all, but then again my mom just told me of a story involving first responders I probably shouldn't write about, but it was intense and involved hobbits.

Jeez, @Crazy Hitch. What grade/year do you teach? That's ridiculous.

@HALLIEBETH87

I'm sorry to hear about your pawpaw. You have my condolences. 🫂 ❤️

@Crazy Hitch

Your class sucks! I'm sorry they're so terrible and mean! What do you teach again? What grade is it? Is it middle school? I hope you get your glasses soon!

Yay @raspberrytorte !!!!!!!

@Blueberrybook I had to stop caffeine completely in 2007 because it not only made me hypo I was using it to make myself hypo. Not really on purpose but I needed something to get me through a work day so I drank a lot of coffee and a lot of Coke. It just kept getting worse until I got manic enough to land on disability for 3 months. I stopped the caffeine cold turkey and haven't intentionally had any since aside from a very rare hot chocolate which seems to be safe because it doesn't have that much caffeine in it compared to coffee. I don't ever try again because I don't want to go down the same path and have to go off it again and I don't trust myself.


That same mania I suddenly wanted to smoke cigarettes. I've never even had one in my life so no way to really crave it but I really, really wanted to smoke. It went away as soon as I got on Seroquel. It was so strange.