Bipolar Check-in #81

I need more help than I am getting. I don't know how to deal with it. There's all this help around but I'm not eligible. My living room has become a storage space. My kitchen is a mess. We have no clean dishes and I can't wash dishes. So no food for me. I can't take a shower I don't want anyone to see me naked. I need a cleaning crew, I need a walk in shower, I need a therapist, my husband can't do it all, and Victoria is doing nothing. I need a new place.

My urine cultures all came back abnormal because they were contaminated by my vaginal discharge

@raspberrytorte


Are you feeling any better? I hope your nap helped.

That's so nice of you to ask.

I'm okay I guess.

I wish I wasn't broke. I wish I had money! There are so many things I want to buy! My shopping carts on numerous websites are full of stuff I cannot afford! It's probably for the best I don't have any credit cards or anything. I'd really get us into some financial trouble.

I'm still paranoid. Husband asked me if he wanted him to turn off the bedroom lights for me and I said no because I don't want to be in the dark. I'm also not particularly tired unfortunately. Husband wants me to call on Monday if I'm still paranoid. I was going to give it a week. Still hoping today was a fluke.

🌶

So I don't know what's going on. Nothing has changed!

How are you doing with your temporary therapist? Are you okay? 🫂 ❤️

Gp has given me 2 days off work and a referral to a psychologist. Have to try see my pdoc on Tuesday. Holding thumbs he’s got an opening.

Your fighting is a good example to others. Hope you have success, but it is no shame if not!

I don't feel well. It happened over a few days: more and more depressed.

I am tired of always being clever, clever, clever .............

I have decided to start with the Sun lamp, and I am still determined to do so. I'll start tomorrow.

This day I found myself writing a goodbye letter in my head to my family. I recognized that this was not good, even if it was only in my head.

I think I feel tired of trying and trying, always thinking out clever plans about how to survive. I took an early Spring vacation, this year, to get an end to my Winter SAD. We had many good family gatherings in May/June and some in July. The kids have grown up and are out of the nest (doing well). I am lonely! The Autumn will come and so will the Winter when I have to fight my SAD.


In my cleverness, I have already ordered my Spring Vacation for the next year. Clever me!


Life is such a struggle ....

I started to pray, and before I knew it, I had assigned myself into an online prayer group. That starts tomorrow as well. I think the online prayer group was God's answer to me as his beloved daughter.


God is there, and I will survive even if it is hard now!

May you all be well (enough)!

Good morning! I slept really well. Today I have my volunteer shift with the rescue kitties. So am looking forward to that. It’ll be hectic today because apparently there’s a LOT of little young kittens there today. Should be fun though.

I’m glad I went to sleep last night. I was considering pulling an all nighter, glad I didn’t. Anyway, I’m just up listening to music and drinking coffee. Going to watch some Supernatural. Till about 11:20am when I have to leave for the bus to my volunteer job. It’s only like 9:30am now so I’ve got a bit of time before I have to leave.

When I get home I’m gonna eat lunch then thoroughly clean my apartment then get on the treadmill. After that read till I go to sleep. That’s the plan for today.

Got 3 hours of sleep.

I’m gonna start spending a couple hours at the library a few times a week. Just like walk down there and sit at one of their study tables and read for a couple hours a couple times a week. To get out of my apartment some, get fresh air on the walk, and change up my environment. I used to go to the library all the time when I was in college to study. Or just use my laptop cause I didn’t have internet at home then. But I want to start going again cause it’s a nice environment to be in. And it helps me focus. I can also study music theory while I’m there and work through my music theory workbook, read books, whatever I feel like doing.

But yeah, I’m also gonna try to go to a cafe the week after this coming week. One of my plans is to walk downtown the week after next, stop at a cafe for coffee , then stop at an independent bookstore down there buy a book , then stop at the library and sit at one of their study table corners and read. should be a nice little outing for myself. I’m also going to see the new Beetlejuice movie at the theater in September. By myself cause I don’t have friends or anyone but that won’t stop me. Maybe eventually I can start going to library events like the crafting events or adult coloring nights. Get out maybe meet people. Maybe someday make a friend.

Well no volunteering today, bus never showed up. I'm gonna have to start taking an uber to my volunteer job because the bus is way too unreliable especially on Sundays

I feel a very legit difference in my anxiety since stopping the zofran 2 days ago. I am not taking my meds all at one time anymore. I've been spacing out my valiums again too.

My stomach is good today too for once. I got up to watch the news and to eat some Special K. Then I went to get a non dairy chocolate cold brew coffee and a racoon cake pop from Starbucks. I came home and cleaned the toilet since it was starting to become a health hazard. Now I'm watching TV.

But yeah. My anxiety and stomach are both good today. I've been taking my pantropaloze and I think its helping.

Sorry blue bird 🐦 that suxs. I know you were looking forward to the kitties.

I slept really good. Didn’t get to bed until after 1am then I read for a bit. Had wild vivid dreams. Oddly of shoes. I’m so glad I’m dreaming again and can remember the dreams. It’s like free movies..

I’m not going out today. The art festival is going on but it’s hot and very humid. They have a moderate heat warning for today and a severe heat warning for tomorrow. So the next two days I’m staying in. My meds don’t play well with that kind of weather. I’m sad to miss the festival but I’ll live.

Got the me tv toon channel on. Boy some of those old comics! But I really enjoyed the cats in the older cartoons.

Enjoy the day.

Today is a very good day. Made it through the worst of my emotional storm, and I think it has a lot to do with being around people and going out and doing stuff. @Blue_Bird you're such an inspiration to me because you've given me so many ideas to get out and do things around town on my own so I can meet people in my community. I need that, I want that, because I know when I am at home and isolated, all heck breaks loose because I attack myself as if I am my own worst enemy.

@June08 - I know it's been hard with so much loss, but I hope mass Saturday night was a good one, this morning's was amazing- the Word was about wives honoring their husbands and husbands honoring their wives as Jesus did to His Church - I learned a lot and I am learning more and more as I approach converting totally. @Rosi700 - I am so sorry you're struggling, but so glad you found a prayer group, I do believe you are a daughter of God, (like I believe for all of us), and I know you will get through this. You're strong and I believe in you!

I hope you get better @raspberrytorte - I know how anxious feelings can get in the dark - I actually set my TV on a timer every night because I am too scared in the apartment all alone if it's too dark - @BeyondtheRainbow I hope things go well at your new therapist too, I have been thinking about you. @Nammu I don't blame you for staying in, I was planning on going out to Raleigh on Wednesday, but it's going to hit 95 degrees so scratch that!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday today. I am just relaxing at my parents today. My mom cooked a bunch of food, so I am going to drop some off at home when I head back before I head out to an AA speaker meeting tonight - a good friend of mine is telling her story, and I want to be there to support her.

Just been looking up what all my abnormal lab values mean. I hope they call me tomorrow to discuss!

My stomach is all of a sudden a mess

My mom keeps asking me what I want for dinner but I'm not sure. Nothing really sounds good. I wish I could cancel therapy.

This like high noon time isnt good for some reason.

Why am I doing absolultly nothing but lying down and I haven't had any caffeine in hours and my blood pressure is 135/85? I just felt like my insides were going to fall out my sides. Thats why I took it.

My blood pressure got up to 136/94 or something and then half an hour later I felt this weird shyt all of a sudden like my soul had escaped and I took it again and it was 119/74

But I feel ok

Don't get me started on those souls escaping your body theories.

Why does my room feel like a 3rd world hospital. Idk if I need to eat or if I'm dissociating like crazy for some reason.

generally doing better. Having a hard time being around people for more than a few minutes still. I was at the park and there were two times I was really paranoid and in my head a bit (and wished I had my Haldol PRN on me), but I'm in a place now I can do like I did before and use skills to get through. Seroquel's making me sleepy sometimes. It's always either the morning dose OR the afternoon dose that puts me down for a nap, never both. Can always count on it for weird dreams though. I've been eaten by dogs, pulled over on interstates down south for kidnapping, had to do "how not to do meth" worksheets, talked to clones of my CM... sleeping is actually kinda fun.

No therapy tomorrow. But I hope I get some portal messages from a doctor about my abnormal urine tests and my yeast culture!

Seeing my pdoc on Wednesday. It’s been nearly 6 months. Hoping he can make some magic. I’m desperate.

I see t again Tuesday. He’s worried and I’m
Started to
Crash.

Soooooo sleeeeepy!!!
I hate this.
I miss feeling all the energy and happiness