Bipolar Check-in #81

Thank you for letting me know about those services. When I was having those 5 hour long panic attacks, I would call the suicide holiness even though I wasn't suicidal just completely terrified. I've survived a lot of trauma, but those panic attacks were the hardest thing I've been through. Calling the services you told me about would probably been a better choice to call or text.thanks for that again.

I finally took a shower! I feel so much better. And my wrap only got wet in a tiny spot! So I can shower more often.

My son is now on 4 antipsychotics. He's also back to drinking a lot of coffee. It's frustrating.

I go to the wound clinic tomorrow. I hope my wound has shrunk. But I think the wrap needs to be changed more often. It's still burning a little bit. We'll see what she has to say.

I'm so sorry. I had panic attacks really bad when I was taken off lorazapam. Hardest thing I have ever been through. Some things that helped me was looking at an item and describing everything you see on it. The color, just everything about it. I invested in some essential oil and would put either lave6or cedarwood on a cotton ball and try and look at something calming, put on calming music, I usually didn't do the taste bc I was so full of panic I didn't do the taste part of using my 5 senses. I would use a feather from my cats toy and rub it , just feel it in my fingers. Those are just some techniques I used. I'm sorry you're going through that. ☺️

Thank you! Those are good ideas! Aromatherapy helps me a lot. I was able to get through the panic/dissociation last night by going to sleep. Sometimes it requires going to sleep to kind of reset my brain if that makes sense, then I wake up feeling better

[QUOTE=MuddyBoots;7433234]Spiraling soooo badly right now. It seems like each evening is getting worse. I tried a 988 chat, but the gal just said to go to a meeting.

Although one thing I was told to work on is identifying some sensations I get when about to do something stupid, and I'm recognizing one of those right now is feeling like my body is a cage, but the insides are growing and pressure is rising.

eta: went outside and bawled my freaking eyes out. Tried reading, but I feel like I'm going to pass tf out. Glad I didn't try a meeting, probably would've left and not actually go there.[/QUOT
I just left a long reply to you but it vanished. I will leave one tomorrow. I have to eat and go to bed. Please be safe! Big hugs!

[QUOTE=MuddyBoots;7433234]Spiraling soooo badly right now. It seems like each evening is getting worse. I tried a 988 chat, but the gal just said to go to a meeting.

Although one thing I was told to work on is identifying some sensations I get when about to do something stupid, and I'm recognizing one of those right now is feeling like my body is a cage, but the insides are growing and pressure is rising.

eta: went outside and bawled my freaking eyes out. Tried reading, but I feel like I'm going to pass tf out. Glad I didn't try a meeting, probably would've left and not actually go there.[/QUOT]

I just left a long reply to you but it vanished. I will leave one tomorrow. I have to eat and go to bed. Please be safe! Big hugs!

Sorry for those of you struggling right now.

My mood is fine, maybe a wee bit elevated but not too much.

It rained this morning but stopped in time for me to do Couch2 10K this morning. I'm not very far into the program, just week 2, and I may have to repeat it b/c I am so not used to running. I walked home from my run but not too fast. The walk was good until:



Going to take a shower soon but daughter stayed up ALL night and is just now brushing her teeth in the bathroom. She is a night owl. I don't know how we'll ever get her sleep back on schedule for school. Plus, she is going to a friend's house today and needs to get some rest beforehand. I was invited too but I don't feel up to going yet and socializing with the parents especially since H told them about my bipolar and manic episode.

H told them I was bipolar years ago. He tells pretty much all his aquaintences about it, says he hates skirting around the truth when people ask how I'm doing or why I'm not in attendance at some event. I'm not sure how I feel about that, embarrassed and just a bit on display and worried about what people think of me even though H says the people he tells are very understanding, but I still worry about it. I have social anxiety too, so that doesn't help when I'm around people I don't know well.

H is going to work today, so at least he feels I am stable enough to stay home with daughter.

HUGS to all and have a wonderful day!

Edited:
I saw I accidentally left gabapentin in my pillbox. I took it just now. Anyone know what gabapentin does for bipolar? My neurologist prescribes it for peripheral neuropathy. I don't think it helps the PN, and wanted to stop taking it but my pdoc says to keep taking it, that it helps bipolar. My pdoc speaks very fast, so the appts. are quick, and I always forget to ask him.

I did it, walked almost an hour in heavy rain.

I was so tired and wet afterward, that I went right to bed, both to rest and for getting warmth in my body.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that your husband talks about your struggles! It is your illness, and it is you who shall decide if it shall be public or not.

Does your therapist know that he is doing this? If so, what are your therapist's comments on this? May be you shall take this up in therapy and see what happens in the therapy room?

@Rosi700
Awesome job going for a walk especially in heavy rain. I try to walk daily, but when it's raining, I do pilates instead.

@raspberrytorte
So happy to read your posts! Sounds like you are having a great time with your H & your daughter

My periods have also gotten worse with age, and so has my PMS. They are not really heavier but they are SOO much longer. And the last cycle I spotted an entire WEEK before my period even started, and then my period was 9 days long with spotting 3 or 4 days after that. I barely have any time before spotting starts again though last cycle my period was a week late, and usually it's every 27, 28 days on the spot. I have cramps with the spotting and backaches and it just gets worse when my period actually starts. I can only take Tylenol b/c of ulcer history and that barely touches a thing. I get the nausea too like the day before my cycle starts along with days 1 & 2 of my cycle. I'm due to see the gynecologist again but keep putting it off. Your post reminds me I need to call again and set it up since the gynecologist is so busy handling pregnancies & deliveries too.

@bizi
I have heard of stevia before but never tried it. You said zevia contains stevia? I'll have to try it next time I order groceries.

@Blue_Bird
I HATE dissociation. I have had a lot of it, including with this last round of mania. Sometimes grounding helps with it especially if I touch something cold like running water or a glass of ice water. But the grounding only helps while I doing it and not usually once I stop it. I use grounding too for anxiety but it doesn't help me much thru panic attacks. I am so sorry you are having those. I used to be on clonazepam for panic attacks, but the pdoc felt it contributed greatly to my forgetfulness and weaned me off it. He used to prescribe me low dose Seroquel for panic attacks but won't any more. However, I have a stash of Seroquel I can chop the heck out of with a pill cutter to 25 mg and think I am going to do that again for moments of bad panic attacks. I feel like I need SOMETHING to help and taking hydroxyzine as needed is NOT helping.

OMG, my car repair bill came to $1045! At least it's fixed now, and the mechanic is kind enough to drop it at my house so I don't have to go with H in a separate car to pick it up.

Daughter is 5'5", Husband is 6" and I'm just shy of 5'1". I'm a fat midget!!! Lol

@Blueberrybook

Oh the pain is excruciating and I'm nauseous. 🤢 I could barely finish my oatmeal this morning! Mine have just gotten heavier, last five to six days, and are EXTREMELY painful. When I was younger it was three days, light, no pain. Wtf man! I hate getting old!!! I tried reaching out to my mom for help to see if this happened to her but she just told me to talk to my doctor. Thanks mom. 😞 Google, internet land and my therapist are more help than my mom!

I take gabapentin for my anxiety. I'm not sure what it's used for for bipolar. Maybe as a mood stabilizer? Why won't your psychiatrist give you any prn seroquel for your anxiety? That's strange. Tell him you can't sleep at night or something so he'll give you an extra 100mg prn. That's what my psychiatrist did. 😊 I haven't been having trouble sleeping as of late so now I just take them when I want/need to chill.

Cold helps me too, I actually bought ice packs that I keep in my freezer specifically for dissociation, I put one on my neck or on my forhead and the cold helps a lot! I forgot about that, thanks for reminding me, sometimes I forget I have them in the freezer, I need to start using them more

I'm feeling quite a bit better today thankfully

I slept really good and that helped a lot. I'm rewatching the 1st and 2nd Deadpool movies in preparation to go see the third one coming out in theaters, so I'm gonna go to the theater next week to see that! Should be fun. Also going to an adult coloring night at my library on Tuesday. Trying to get more active/get out of the house more. I tend to stay inside all day most days and that's not good for my mental health. Even just being in the vicinity of other people is good so I might start going to the library to sit at one of their study tables to read or use my laptop. Just to change up my environment some.

I'm really sluggish today. I messaged my therapist and told her I was a bit down. She said its to be expected with everything I have/had going on. She suggested I go use my treadmill for 10 minutes. So I did and my moods and depression are better but I still feel sluggish. I slept ok last night. I'm making better choices in general. I just blame the dog days of summer which is when I typically get this way, and this is the time of year I also often have that old song that goes "lazy crazy hazy days of summer" running through my head.

What was with the threesome in the opening ceremony of the olympics? Defiently not a family friendly moment.

My room feels like a hotel when the AC is on but no one knows what I'm talking about. I closed the vent.

I know some people think their therapists are being dismmisve when they say things like "go work out." But if more people listened to therapists and took their advice, it may just help.

I got my car back after a whopping repair bill. I'm a little anxious to drive it again, afraid all the warning lights will come on again, BUT the mechanic swears the brakes are fixed, there's a new battery in, and the alternator has been changed, AC is working again, along with an oil change and topping off all the fluids. So it should be good again, I just always get anxious driving the car when it's fresh out of the shop in the fear I'll have a breakdown. Really, we've got AAA and they tow but I worry about it going haywire in traffic without a place to pull into to stop the car.

My daughter says she is OK with me driving her to the library. Because I'm so anxious when she drives, she is fine if I drive. I'm telling her to bring her learner's permit anyway, just in case I DO need to let her drive. It is an easy drive to the library, 15 minutes most of it in 30 mph speed limit zones and plenty of places to pull over if I need, so it should be OK. I'm a little anxious about it though. I like having my keys and the option to drive if I need to, but I don't enjoy driving at all since my bipolar has gotten worse with age. Bipolar just distracts me so much from what is going on, and I have to work extra hard to stay in the here and now and pay attention to traffic. I can do it, but it's definitely not the fun, easy driving I had in my early 20s.

I do understand blueberry. I’m a nervous driver too. I don’t trust cars at all. I always expect them to breakdown. My last car a ford focus, gosh, that thing! I was at a drive in getting food for mum and I when it made a horrible sound and wouldn’t move. I finally got it moving and drove straight to the mechanic. A chip needed replacement. It was the middle of covid and there were no chips to be had. So after months of waiting I finally found a new car. They took my car for trade in and we’re willing to come and get it. I got a newer car that consumer reports rates high on reliability, but I’m always expecting it to fall apart. I hate driving.

For my update; still having trouble getting solid sleep. I sleep lightly and wake frequently. Tonight I’m taking the extra ambien my pdoc okayed. I don’t take it often cause I don’t want to get used to it.

Nothing going on this weekend. Was invited to a fair on Sunday, but that would mean using my walker and Sunday is forecast to be hot and very humid. No thanks. Got new books, one a lighthearted funny English book. I’m enjoying it.

I'm so anxious to drive now I don't! Husband hauls my booty around everywhere, but he doesn't seem to mind. After my last REALLY bad manic episode I suddenly became afraid of driving. No clue why. It's very strange though. I can't drive at night anymore anyway because my eyesight is too bad. I hate getting old!!!! My birthday is coming up and I am NOT happy. 😡

I've decided to try and quit vaping again. That would put an extra two hundred dollars in my pocket a month! I want to save that money and get a bunch of tattoos. I had a cool dream last night about having a bunch of tattoos on my arms. Currently I have five. I want to get at least two more. I'm so excited! We even already have some nicotine gum in the house. Oh, and I FINALLY found some Sleep Token stickers. Yay! My laptop is going to look so cool. 😊

I was literally doubled over in pain before, but I've been slowly getting the household chores done. Rinsed off like a thousand dishes and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Took out the garbage. Just have to do the cat litters. And that is all I'm doing today as far as chores go. THEN I get to listen to my audiobook for the millionth time. UGH. HELP ME!!!!!

I'm okay with driving during the day, but I swear if I'm on the highway in a torrent/heavy fog/white-out, the a-hole without his lights on is always in front of me. Night time sucks though because I have astigmatism. Last time I drove at night in a city I got lost because I didn't know what intersection I was at and couldn't tell where I was on the road I got on. I'm not super scared of a breakdown, but other people's driving, especially this summer, has me in intense defense mode all the time. We had 10 people die in 4 days in NH recently...COW FREAKING HAMPSHIRE! To be fair they've clocked a lot of people going over 100mph on the highways, which speed limits are never over 70, and are usually 55-65.

That was a good distraction. Today's been shyt so far.

Saw my t hes out of town all next week so itll be two weeks before i see hm again. he encouraged me to take prn risperdal to deal with some stuff goign on. my uncle finally left thank god. hes such an ***. he makes things worse!!! i see pdoc next wednesday then t again the following friday. he said its ok to not feel good right now but i need to take care of myself.

im feeling so lost and down

I figured out why my mouth has been hurting! Especially my tongue! The combination of dry mouth from my meds and sodium Lauryl sulfate in toothpaste! I got some biotene toothpaste because it doesn’t have sls in it. Haven’t tried it yet. I will tonight.