Bipolar Check-in #81

Didn't hear from my son today. I'm sure he's smoking weed.

I'm scared. My psychiatrist put extra refills on all my meds except clonazepam. It might just be that bc it's a controlled substance he can't. There are still 2 refills left. I need to go in October.

I'm doing OK. I'm waiting to get into the pain clinic to see if I can get injections in my back. My old Dr's office quit taking medicaid and so now I'm at a sucky clinic where you have to jump hoops to get anything done. My last Dr just sent me off to the orthopedics place for indemph xrays and injections if I needed them. I did it was no fuss no muss, lol. Unfortunately the injections didn't help. Getting them done hurt more than having them.

My bipolar is good for now. The deakote seems to keep me even.

I apologize for my typos. I just post on a phone. I don't have a working computer. It's really hard to correct them. It's just a pain.

@Manarinorange
My pdoc weaned me off clonazepam b/c he felt it was causing me too much forgetfulness. I'm still forgetful now but not nearly as much. It was tough as I'd been taking 4mg clonazepam for over 10 year. It took about a year to completely wean off it. Sometimes, I'm glad of it, sometimes not. But for my overall health, it's probably better. If you still have 2 refills left, your pdoc probably will renew it once you run out of refills. Now my pdoc just tells me to take extra hydroxyzine for panic attacks. I suppose it sort of works, but not great. In the past, he had me take 25 mg of Seroquel for panic attacks, which worked better. He didn't prescribe the low dose Seroquel again, but I have such a surplus of Seroquel, I've chopped some down to 25 mg. just in case.

My mood is better this morning. I feel really bad b/c I went to bed way before H cleaned up all the mess from the drywall. But sleep hygiene is SOO important to my stability. I mess up my sleep, stability is soon out the window. H still isn't finished with the drywall; he just got the old drywall down and the mess cleaned up from that and still has to put the new drywall up today. I hope it won't be such a big deal as taking down the old drywall. That shot my anxiety sky high yesterday.

This morning, I went for a walk/jog but I left way early, like 45 min. before sunrise b/c I was up; my cat Pecan was walking/jumping all over me while I was in bed, wanting me to get up and feed her, and I just couldn't sleep once she woke me up. But I still got around 8 hr. of sleep, so that's good

Ugh. Some dissociation this morning., really hate when that happens. Not sure what might have triggered it. Sometimes it has a trigger, sometimes not.

Hello! Am not feeling well! I got some sort of a flu-like illness, and suddenly my wellbeing disappeared. I mean the flu has passed, and I sit here falling into depression. I feel down, have lost my appetite, and don't know how to crawl out of this state. I took a glass of vine in the hope that the food should taste better. It didn't!


Deep down, perhaps I do know how to move on. It is about taking back my routines, even if I feel like I want to sleep all the time.


Today I want to visit a Church. After all it is Sunday. Need to shower first. Will do that after posting this.

Tomorrow I will declutter and fill the dishwasher. I will use Spring rolls for dinner tomorrow (have them in my freezer).


If I can make all that; I can at least try to have a normal day on Tuesday, even if I don't feel well.

Hoping

Am sending positive vibes your way! Thank God because this group exists!

Caleb went home. Trying to arrange getting together with Noah after my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s just me and the cat listening to my favorite CD. The credit card my mom has of mine so I can’t use it has a $25 charge/balance and I thought it was paid off so now it’s late and I can’t pay it till tomorrow! My credit score is taking too many hits lately. First I charged the one up to 50% of my credit limit and now I missed a payment!!

Also didn’t sleep last night even with the risperdal. I dozed for a bit but never actually fell asleep. Caleb got up around 4 am as that’s his usually body clock time to get up for work. We went out to breakfast and got there at 7:10 am. I’m still up. I hate napping because then I sleep too late into the evening and then I can’t sleep all night again. Maybe I’ll sleep better tonight with Caleb not on my couch.

Good morning. I slept last night after barely sleeping for 3 days straight. Like two nights I got zero sleep and one night I got 2 hours of sleep. I ran out of my Thorazine and didn’t feel like going to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions but I have it now and I took it last night and I slept 12 hours. So I feel a lot better. I just took a shower and am having coffee now.

I might play some videogames today. And later today I’m gonna spend time with my boyfriend. We’re gonna play some games and watch some stuff and maybe play on our instruments a bit. He plays guitar and I play violin and ukulele and some piano. He also makes beats and music electronically with music production software and raps sometimes.

Speaking of music I need to study music theory more. I have a workbook on it. I’m a quarter of the way through it. It’s a really big workbook.

I feel good today, a lot better since I finally got good sleep.

Church was really good this morning - the Word was basically to stop all the murmuring amongst ourselves and concentrate on God, which as all of us know, is a lot harder than it sounds. I will really try to pray and work on this though as the week progresses.

At my parents' house right now and about to relax and watch a movie with my dad. So grateful for them so much, and very much look forward to our weekly visits. My mom always makes a ton of food for me to take home, so I usually don't have any real food costs during the week, again so thankful.

Last night was my last night of Lithium - I stayed up a bit last night but managed to get up on time for church, so I feel good about that. Amazed that I am just down to 2mg of Risperidone for my bipolar, I never thought a day like this would come, ever. God has graced with so many blessings, and I have averted so much catastrophe, I can't help but be humbled by it all. I finished with my closet yesterday, and now I have a nice clean space for all my boyfriend's stuff when he eventually moves in. Talked to my mom just now and spoke about a time when I couldn't even get up and clean my room, and now I keep my apartment nice and clean - what a difference it has been.

I am glad you are feeling better @Blueberrybook I know it's been a stressful week for you - and you will continue to be in my thoughts @MuddyBoots - miss seeing @raspberrytorte - hope she's okay. I am so happy that you have such wonderful music outlets @Blue_Bird and that you and your boyfriend can share in it, that's so amazing. Glad your mom took care of your car @Moose72 , I know you're relieved. I sympathize with you @June08 - I have the cravings of sugar that sometimes make me eat fattier things, but I think it's because my blood sugar drops so low sometimes too. And @Rosi700 so good to see you again!

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Sunday - I am so grateful you are all here on this board.

@Blue_Bird I have the same music theory book! I haven't looked at it forever. Got to the circle of fifths and kept trying to get a hang of it, but then just randomly looked at lessons later.

I'm going to skip therapy this week again. I have better things to do. It's a secret

I'm doing good today. No issues with my stomach and I've had coffee and a diet coke. My anxiety is fine too and I've only taken 1 valium. I slept really good last night on just 3mg of melatonin. I think I just need to wear my glasses all the time and push myself to get out of my house more so I'm not lying in bed all day making myself tired and more depressed. Idk maybe the increase in lamictal is finally helping too.

@LadyShadow Thanks for remembering me!
I got the first post on my program done: Shower and go to Church. God is good! I know he is with us in our struggles!

No problem! I remember you being around these parts @Rosi700 !! But yes, God is so good, I know I never used to believe as much years ago, but life challenges have really changed me. Glad you got the first part of your program done, on to the others!

I’m dragging today. Slept terribly. I’m so craving braunschweiger, but I’m not going to go buy it or the makings of one sandwich because they remainder would just go to waste. I had peanut butter on pumpernickel to assuage my craving but it didn’t do much.

I need to take a shower and fill my med boxes, but I found a channel that plays cartoons all day. Watching scooby doo right now. Oh well, it’s Sunday a day for laziness.

I didn’t sleep last night or take a nap today. I have therapy in the morning.

I hope you get some sleep tonight

I hope those of you having sleep difficulties sleep well tonight. I know how frustrating it is when you can't sleep. I have had sleep difficulties my entire life that I can remember; without Seroquel & trazodone, I'd be struggling most every single night to fall asleep.

I spent the entire day binge-watching TV. Hopefully, I can get my mind to focus on cooking dinner soon (though I absolutely HATE cooking!).

I probably shouldve gone with decaf at DD today at least I got a small. That s'mores syrup isn't good, but maybe it'd be better with creamer. Wouldn't try it again. Honestly the only good flavoring they have is the mocha and I only like that hot w/creamer and I hate getting creamer because ED fights me for it.

I did get a lot of my energy out stacking wood just now though. I was pretty active today, did a few laps at the park (some of it running, including sprinting from my car before I left to some place I could pee ), walked to DD and back from there, stacked quite a bit of wood, just overall got more sunshine than usual. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, much calmer than usual. Maybe I'll try reading an actual book!

Oh, and Bo died. I'm not really grieving or anything about it. I've actually been kinda waiting for it for a while and mad at my mom for not putting him down a while ago when he had practically no quality of life and could barely function. I cried more watching that than after finding out. I actually have barely cried after finding out. Like when Lu died and with watching the deterioration I did the grieving and acceptance before it actually happened.

My neighbor has some mental health issues as well (similar to me with the lashing out/irritability stuff, her mom told me she has depression but I wonder if there's some mania or manic-like traits in her depression stuff as well) and she's flipping out down the road right now. I bet other people think it's great when we're both the angry symptomatic at the same time.

I'm still working on my writing mostly mental health experiences but putting some perspectives/philosophies I've gained from the experiences that I probably would not have had without the psych probs and treatments and people I've met in treatments. I usually work on it at the library though it's a bit chaotic there. It's like the only place only homeless folks can really be especially on cold/hot days, and it's good they have that, but there's a lot of interesting happenings there because of people not really being there for library purposes.

I know this is too much but I swear it was much longer.

@MuddyBoots
I'm so sorry about Bo. I know the grieving process definitely can happen over time like that. I experienced grief that way when my grandfather died of Alzheimers and again when my other grandfather died slowly of terminal cancer. (((HUGS)))

@MuddyBoots So sorry about Bo. Losing pets is so hard, even when expected.

Muddyboots, what rainbow said. I couldn’t organize my words to write that, but that’s what I wanted to say. I’m sorry about Bo.

Yeah, it's hard, but I'd rather him not be suffering and, if there is a heaven, hanging out with his nephew he lived with (and had a lot of fun fighting with) and his sister and mother. I hardly ever saw him around these past few months anyways. Pretty much spent all the warm weather days on the porch passed out, and a lot of the times he'd be breathing so slowly and barely moving his body up and down that I'd have to get close to him to see if he were still alive. Maybe it'll hit me harder later on. I did make some jokes to my aunt about him almost being drinking age and just missing having a shot of "whiskery." Jokes and thinking/talking about him not being in pain anymore and maybe bossing his nephew around now is keeping any ounce of pain away. It was also the first pet loss I've had where I wasn't there dealing with it alone (I wasn't even there the day he died, but when I came back and kinda got hit with "hey, there's no screaming." it was a bit of a relief honestly although I did feel guilty because my mom was alone and I know how much worse it is alone when I've done it with three of my other pets)

I don't know how many people are as lax as I am about death though. I just have some perspectives on it from past experiences, but probably because everyone I've seen die was either completely ready to go from old age or was a zombie from drug use already. Maybe an aunt committing suicide when I was 5 had something to do with it too, and not really being told other than "hey, used to see her, now I don't." and no one really making a big deal out of it.

@MuddyBoots I'm also sorry about Bo.


All in all, this weekend was a good one, especially today. Due to fatigue, I didn't get as much done as I wanted to yesterday, but I still have time to return the things I need to/wanted to. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through a full week of work though because, POTS wise, I haven't recovered from three half days of teaching last week.

Returning to work has helped my mental health in some ways, but it triggering my POTS symptoms is also causing some depression symptoms. Last night, I also realized at least one of the reasons I was feeling a little moody is because needing to ask for help when my car broke down triggered some childhood wound stuff. I conveniently have counseling on Wednesday (if I feel well enough to go) so I can always unpack this more then.

Thank you! I had my period where I didn't believe much too. Now, on the other hand, I think that my belief in God is the reason for trying again and again and again. I feel I owe him so since he created me. God is my reason for not giving in.

We've got reviewers at our school from the department of education today and tomorrow. I narrowly avoided them entering any of my classes today. I REALLY hope that they don't observe my Period 1 class tomorrow. I would rather die a million deaths than have them walk into that. Honestly. II just can't. I've even considered taking the day off tomorrow and pulling a sickie...I don't know what I'll do.

Anxiety through the roof!

@MuddyBoots, sorry for the loss of Bo.

@June08, yes to have a job to go to can be beneficial for MI, but also a struggle at times.