Scared and confused

I'm beyond scared at this point. I came back from the hospital today and I FCCKED SHYT UP. like, broken vodka bottles, probably an entire phonebook's worth of shredded paper, and an exercise mat shreddings abound, a an atomic nucleus literally engraved in the wood on the porch, and I don't even want to look at my past emails/texts/posts

I just spent like 20 minutes in crisis because I didn't know if a piece of mail I got was real or if it was stolen. I have absolutely no clue as to what is real. I'm still really paranoid but I have reason to be? but that's what they/we all say?

I seriously wish I had an antipsychotic. I would literally die for 5mg of haldol or zyprexa right now. I know I bash meds a lot because of my bad experiences, but this is my psych "farmer says he needs a doc," moment.

I serrrrrrriously want to drink (initially wrote "need a drink" but I know better)

What does one do in psychosis but can kinda reality check and has no access to APs?

I fking hate this shyt it feels like literally everything in language is about me either I'm hearing it straight up about me or it's coded and I know it's not or can't or shouldn't but I can't BELIEVE it

Can you handle going to an ER and admitting you’re very paranoid and psychotic and would like an anti psychotic medication but that you don’t need or want to be admitted?

Hi there MuddyBoots. I'm not qualified to answer you but I did want to pass along that I saw a fellow who had trouble identifying what was real or not and he would use a trained dog to walk up to people if they were there when he asked the dog to. He also used a phone on video mode and if the object/being wasn't actually there it apparently wouldn't show up on the phone screen too. No clue if these are helpful or authentic but I wish you well.

Gosh that's so scary! I'm sorry this is happening!

What does you "medical team" consist of? Would your PCP be able to provide or refer you to urgent care or ER?

Having a PCP referral to urgent care or ER is better than just showing up somewhere. First, the ER nowadays really is only for strokes, cardiac issues, bleeding; everyone else should bring lunch, dinner and PJs for an overnight stay in the waiting room. The PCP could get you seen faster.

Second, the ER won't assume you're a drug seeker, hypochondriac or some other non medical case.

I'm not sure you'd be released in less than 3 days, though.

Have a clinic I go to with no consistent PCP, and a psych team (CM, T, and pdoc). I saw my new pdoc a couple times shyt it's weird we can communicate by using our fingers and not even seeing other people unless we can see them?, but yeah, she didn't press meds. I think she knew I would resist anyway, but they said they'd get me in next week and fit me in ASAP.

I don't really want to go to an ER for any psych stuff and answer their thousand questions that lead to "go home (without any meds) or get admitted" and being admitted involves, since it's a Friday, waiting until Monday at the earliest when a bed opens up to get transferred. Waiting in the ER hall until then.

Street seroquel? lmao. Probably has tranq in it and your little nap turns into a forever nap.

Have you been in touch with your CM since you got out of the hospital? I'm sorry it is so overwhelming.

I talked to her on the phone before I got discharged and she said someone on the team can call regularly to check in for a bit. Someone did call earlier and I told her and she told me to basic on the self care like making sure I have food and eat it and drink water and shower and try to use external stimuli to black out internal

I haven’t read your recent posts so I am not sure what you were in the hospital for, but I am shocked they discharge you in such condition. I am sorry you are struggling. I’d either take myself to a hospital or talk to pdoc and insist on higher level of care. Why aren’t they prescribing meds (although I think you refuse to take them). It’s terrifying. I hope your CM and pdoc do something ASAP

I don't NEED "higher level of care" that is BULL! Do you know what that even looks like? A FKING DAY OR MORE either in a gurney in an ER hall IF I'M LUCKY. and if I'm not, JUST AS LONG in a seclusion room,, being monitored by a bunch of security guards one of which groped me (yes, he's still there, saw him Tuesday and Wednesday). And then they have other "patients" (I know there's always one that's my ex is disguise) spying on me so he (ex) can keep stalking me. How the EFFF am I supposed to "get better" in an EVEN MORE stressful environment? At least here I know safe places and have ways to protect myself. There I can't have a knife or mace or anything.

Hospital was for my "schizophrenia" lmao fking demons

I didn’t mean anything extravagant by higher care, but anything more than what these medical professionals are doing. Not necessarily ER or being secluded, but pretty much anything as it doesn’t sound as they do anything? Just discharged you? Unmediated schizophrenia is hard and they just leave you with nothing and you are unwell.

Sooo what higher care do you mean? They're trying to fit me in to see my pdoc within the next week, I saw my CM today and we just kinda tried keeping it light but also made plans for the rest of the weekend. They are checking in on me frequently, but it's not super helpful when I still feel like they're against me. Maybe I'm against me and they're against the me against me though.

I don't have schizophrenia, I have bipolar but with psychotic features, but yeah, I could use some meds right now regardless. I was way worse before going, but I did sleep some because my potassium I guess is low (which again, went without being treated. When they checked it, it was at 3.1 but that was Tuesday). I'm pretty sure if my lack of potassium wasn't exhausting me I'd be running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Even just now I did some impulsive shopping (meant to get these sodas that I'm collecting the bottles, but ended up not even going to the store with those sodas and got a bunch of stuff. Nothing extravagant, but I'm broke af and $30 is a bit). I wanted to go to the batting cages, but my head is way out of it and I'd probably just stand on the plate lmao

I got there, first meeting with the doc I asked if I could leave (I mean, who wouldn't after over 24 hours in the ER only to be transferred and think everyone is talking about you and your ex is there in disguise spying on me), and he said sure. I looked at my paperwork and it said I left AMA, but it's not like he told me I should stay or anything so idk how that's "AGAINST medical advice" if there was no advice to stay.

I'm also trying to avoid going back home where I wreaked havoc. I don't know if I can handle seeing some of the permanent damage I've done (well, I mean not PERMANENT but I'm considering having to repair wood on the porch and patching a wall pemanent because it's more than an easy fix). I do need food and to sleep though.

I don't know when I'm supposed to see my pdoc this week, but I don't know what I should ask for. I haven't tried Loxapine, perphenazine, pimozide, thiothixene, trifluoperazine, (and rexulti and caplyta for not 1st gens, but I hear they're not good for mania). I've had awful experiences with FGAs (every one gave me akathisia, two gave me urinary retention, two caused suicidality, and one gave me involuntary facial movements) so I'm a little reluctant to try anything that might fking help. If I get akathisia on top of this fking shyt I WILL kill myself as soon as I feel it. Yeah, I know it's not rational because I can just stop, but will I care in the moment? I know I won't.

wtf man. I'm starting to think I'm doomed to off myself before I'm even 30. Off meds I'm crazy enough to do it, on meds the side effects will make me think it's rational because I know I don't like that and I don't like unmedicated either.

Fk this shyt. I hope the cops follow me again and maybe I'll...eh can't post that

Well, in the meantime, you taught me a new word: Akathsia

It turns out that's what my wife is like. It's why she got a hole in her leg because she couldn't just let a shipping box sit around in the kitchen.

Well, anyway, would it comfort you if I say you are in my thoughts and "prayers?" I don't "pray" for anyone without his or her permission.

You have my permission to say it, but I'm not saying it brings me comfort.

Glad to add a word to your vocab