Afraid of hurting someone

I've been doing ok since I had my second seroquel dose and had a haldol PRN today, but before then 9and right now, I've been kinda petrified of seeing what I did to physical surroundings and myself. I can get incredibly paranoid and impulsive, and it just feels like each episode is more intense than the last. Last summer I spent almost a week under my bed clutching a knife, and idk what would've happened if someone got close.

I don't want to be another reason people think mental illness=violence when that's not the story. I know it's a matter of staying on top of the meds and recognizing warning signs. but just worried ill lose access to treatment (again)

I will say I am sooooo happy I had that quetiapine increase and took that haldol today. I was FREAKING out on my way to the pharmacy and took like 50 different roads instead of the main road because people kept getting behind me.

But does anyone else worry about stuff they did/might do? I'm probably more of a shytty person than bipolar

Last Spring I was feeling a similar way you are. I had a friend over and he took me to the psych ER. I was inpatient a week.

Oh MuddyBoots, you are a TERRIFIC person who just happens to have bipolar. When i moved around a lot in my early thirties and lost contact with doctors and ran out of meds i had a lot of trouble behaving. I would fight with everyone. Bus drivers, tellers, salespeople. I once got barred from a mall for arguing with a cashier over a penny! It was Hell. I worried i would end up in jail.

You sound a lot better! Hope you continue to improve!

There was a time for several years, during my lowest time, where I ended up carrying so much hate in me, that the thought of doing something bad was present a lot, and it was a satisfying thought. I won't go into the whys and hows, but it wasn't something my better side wanted at all, and I got myself out of that on my own, though.

Muddy, you can be certain you're not the only person who has gone through these things. I see people worrying and looking over their shoulder or staring with contorted expressions, all the time. You know - scared. Fear has enveloped them.

Yeah. It's just I've gotten soooo close to committing class A felonies at various times recently (as in, if I did not sprint tf out or bite/punch myself I would not be typing this). Looking back, the way I plan/react in threatening situations scares tf out of me, and combined with the fact that at times "threatening" could be one of those door-to-door people like exterminators and Jehovah's Witnesses or a dog or a police officer (well, already been there, but I didn't have anything that could be construed as a weapon so I only got tased, not shot).

I don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it (and I really don't think anybody deserves it), but if it comes to (what I perceive as) them vs me and I'm in survival mode, I'm going for me. I'm still trying to clean up the mess from before the hospital little by little. It's incredibly triggering. I don't know whom else this happens to, but after serious shyt goes down and I start remembering, it's always 3rd person. In the moment it was total black out, and when I remember it's just watching my feral self from the outside. I think it's better and it's a way to protect the brain like people do during dissociation. It's kinda dissociating from the dissociation.

I am sorry you are beating up on yourself. This is some great self control.
I wish you had good meds to take to help with these raging emotions.
You sound like the psych wrd would be bestSince you are a danger to your self and others.
I have not been keeping up with you. Are you on meds?
bizi

I'm on quetiapine and have haldol PRN now. The seroquel's beginning to work, and the Haldol is definitely the reason I did not have an IEA on Friday.