Bipolar Check-in #82

Today was okay. I enjoyed my ZOOM support group and poking around on the Internet. Both activities were good company and helped me feel connected to the world. I looked into YouTube and came across several videos of late night talk shows hosts making fun of Trump's performance in the debate. That was fun. It rained most of the day but i held up well walking my dog. Feel a little deflated now.

"The only abs i have are abnormalities!"

"Well look at who we have here. If it isn't the consequences of my questionable actions!"

"They told me i could be anything i wanted. So i willed myself to be a disappointment!"

"I put the ace in disgrace!"

I've been really, really struggling with relationship insecurities-fears of being alone/everyone hating me/going to lose the few friends I have and never make new ones again are constantly going through my brain. For example, I texted something to my friend in a stupid way that could have come off as a little aggressive. I immediately texted sorry but we were in the middle of a conversation and she just stopped responding after this. So my brain is spiraling and my anxiety is really high about how she is responding. I'm really worried I hurt her or ticked her off. I'm trying to remind myself that people can make mistakes without a relationship falling apart, especially when people apologize for their mistakes. Hopefully, she can still get together on Sunday. If these plans stay, it will help stop the spiraling.

While at work, my depression was lower than it has been in weeks so maybe, just maybe, it's coming to an end. Or, is at least going to lighten up a bit. I'm still struggling with unwanted thoughts, especially in the evening and night time, but a little reprieve today was very nice.

I went to the gym today though I wasn't into it. I had a tough workout, but it was good. I need to maintain my muscles and balance.

I had a conversation with ChatGPT that went on for over an hour. I had it act as a therapist and asked it a bunch of questions about things we talk about in my regular weekly therapy sessions.

It was a really good conversation and ChatGPT asked a lot of open ended questions which helped me organize my thoughts.

I have a bunch of things to do and I've been putting off getting to them due to the depression. I'm going to do things in smaller tasks and not worry about it if I don't get to everything.

i took klonpin and nothing. still anxious and wide awake. my t says i should call my pcp and ask her to bridge the gap before i see pdoc by giving me some more zyprexa for now as im back to not sleeping and as he puts it..my brain is mush. i cant remember anything. its annoying. also mind racing with just stuff. feeling bugs now crawling on me and t says im a bit paranoid bc im afraid pdoc wants me unstable so she can put me in hospital and get a kickback. i realzie how crazy that sounds but it feels real.

why wont this all just go away

Woke up at 2am after very light sleep tossing and turning and can't get back to sleep, am wide awake. It's going on 4am now.

Going to the library later to return some DVDs. I might get on the treadmill too for something to do. And will practice violin at some point today

I have therapy today and I didn't get anything from her saying she was switching to telehealth so she must feel good, and I feel good today too. I took a shower around 8:30 last night. And then I slept pretty good. I woke up feeling a little bit sick but then I got out of bed and went to the living room to watch TV and now I feel fine.

My moods and anxiety and depression are stable on 20mg less of Geodon. I actually seem less crabby and I feel like I'm thinking better.

My son had to help me with some things I needed to do. I would not have done them without his help.

I have some kind of cold, I felt it coming on yesterday and it got worse overnight. I'm drinking lots and my appetite is lower today. It'll pass.

Still feeling low and my anxiety is manageable.

Today is N3s 23rd birthday! We went out for lunch!

My anxiety has been awful. I'm in midst of an anxiety episode I fear, and I still have a touch of the paranoia. Last night it felt like the negative entity was staring at me in the dark. I've also had trouble falling asleep, even after taking 300mg of seroquel. I'm also REALLY paranoid I have type 2 diabetes, despite how I'm on 2000mg of metformin. I think I do because I'm fat and drink a lot of fluids.

Have a lot of cleaning I need to get done and no motivation or desire to do it. I've been wanting to do a lot of retail therapy as of late, which is really unlike me. Normally I hate buying stuff, but I've been making my husband buy me a lot of stuff online (much to his dismay). Just clothes and stuff and things for my hair. Dyeing my hair all black again. I'm getting really sick of my grays. They're really starting to piss me off.

I just wish I could get my hair hacked to shoulder length before I do it. My hair goes almost down to the top of my butt cheeks. I'm going to have to wear a plastic bag when I dye it! That's what I've done in the past when it's been this long (or longer). It's such a pain in the ***, but I absolutely REFUSE to to get it all hacked off and look like a karen just because I'm middle aged now! It's bad enough I have grays and wrinkles and have to wear my glasses because my eyeballs don't like contacts anymore (get too dry and pop out. It happened to me once at the movie theater. Really sucked!).

Okay. I think I've ranted enough about absolutely nothing. There are other things going on too that are making my anxiety skyrocket and making me feel like I'm going to cry, like our daughter has been self harming (sorry. I don't know if that needs a trigger box or not), and my husband asked her about it last night, and it didn't go over well.

Well I thought I was feeling ok until I it was very sudden and my mom and I had stopped to get something to drink before. But one minute I was fine and the next I wasn't. My therapist was really cool about the whole thing. This is actually the second time this has happened.

I'm just a bit annoyed because things are still so unpredictable I can't plan much. I did go out afterwards to the mall and I didn't have any anxiety or paranoia. Just major heartburn. So my mental health is good at least and my energy levels seem to have improved.

I got some Tums from Walgreens and I took 3 and a Zofran. Now I'm just chilling out at home.

My therapist is now questioning my bipolar diagnosis too. She thinks it was PMDD taken care of by the hystrectomy and she also thinks I have major deppresive disorder and then the autism and anxiety. She said 13 is too young to diagnose bipolar which is when I got diagnosed.

@HALLIEBETH87 I learned a new word: "echolalia." Thank you! When she says "internal" echolalia does she mean your inner monologue does it, but it doesn't come out? Because I do that too, but more in a "quote from someone else that fits so I use it" manner (and I don't get the difference?)

@JaneOnceMore I love your little depressive humor quotes glad yesterday was overall ok, hopefully today is more of the same.

@June08 Sorry you're struggling with those fears. I have those same ones during/after talking to other people a lot. "Did I seem like a psychopath when I said that?" "Did I seem like an over emotional wuss with that?" "I was paranoid about that dude over there and looked at him a lot instead of at my partner, do they think I was checking him out?" all followed by "damn, they're going to realize I'm not good for them and drop me like a library book being returned out of hours." I don't know about you, but I have a lot of abandonment/rejection fears from people constantly coming in/out of my life when I was younger, and this is just those beliefs coming out rather than the reality (generally). If it's a pattern, you might want to think about why those thoughts/fears come about so you can rationalize things a little more and ease some anxiety. Just some food for thought.

@Scooter9 good to see how you keep persisting. I know depression is a major thing for you, but you do report doing a lot of good things despite that. I bet it does help you from sinking deeper too, which is always good. I hope you get to a place you feel at baseline, a true euthymia, for a long while soon.

I appreciate all of you guys so much I can't imagine where I'd be without your support and insight. I know I'm not the greatest at helping others out, but I have learned so much from you, and I hope I haven't been as awful a presence here as I think I have been right now.
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I drove for the first time in weeks today. There were no maniacs around, and it's gone well (getting here anyways). I also stopped and picked up a new notebook and some crappy headphones to use here/the library. I always get paranoid they don't work and other people hear my crap music taste .

I might do a little sight seeing myself today. My parking pass expires in like 10 minutes so I have to go anyways. Maybe I'll come back later with some cool pics It'd be nice if I trust myself to see pdoc in person instead of telehealth next appointment.

@raspberrytorte, I can relate to your paranoia and anxiety, I had it really bad a couple of months ago. I was paranoid about the sounds in my neighborhood, people coming to the front door, sirens, and more.

It took a while to do - I learned how to step back from the feelings I was having and just let them pass instead of worrying about them. I would find a safe place alone and relax, and try to see the paranoia and anxiety on their own for what they are - passing feelings.

I know it's not easy to do but when it works, it works really well. I still have them, but they're much more manageable now.

My day has been going well. I slept well though I had a dream that I was getting manic again....don't need that to happen any time soon. I only just paid off my last hospitalization bill which was over $1,000! Healthcare just sucks here!

I am still hurting from that fall. The pressure on my tooth I hit is mostly better, it's the scrapes on my knees & especially my right hand that are stinging so badly. Yesterday, I had to get H to help with the garlic press to mince the garlic when I was cooking dinner; it just hurt me too much to squeeze the press.

I jogged & walked this morning; the weather cooled off a little in that it was in the low 70s instead of 80F in the morning, and it's warm outside but nice since the humidity is actually lower than 50% for a change. I think I'm going to go outside and read in the shade awhile The weather isn't THAT much colder but it feels like fall may be on the horizon, and I made a trip to Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte.

Yes like I don’t say or make noises out loud. I do it in side

Thank you @MuddyBoots, very kind of you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm posting the same things over and over, but I'm really working at it.

I think that if I can get at the underlying issues, I'll be able to make some kind of breakthrough. Gotta be persistent.

@halliebeth I had that echolalia really bad at my last hospitalization. I would repeat words out loud that I'd just said or words the caregiver with me would have just said even when she wasn't talking to me. I knew I was doing it and wanted to stop it but I couldn't until finally when I got more stabilized, it tapered off and thankfully disappeared.

I’m so so. Still not sleeping well despite two ambien. Took me hours to fall asleep , I’m soooooooo irritable. I accidentally drop something and it’s ww iii . I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and needed gas. The grocery store has a thing where if you spend $30 you get .20 cents off per gallon. Usually I have stuff delivered but I’ve been hiding out in my apartment and needed to get out. I got .50 cent per gallon off my gas!

I seemed to run into people everywhere. I decided honesty was the best policy and when they asked why I wasn’t around, why I wasn’t playing games. I told them I was too irritable. It’s bipolar and that it will pass and I’ll be back. Got a lot of positive feedback. And encouragement.

Noise sets me off too. Mostly it’s been nice enough to keep the AC off but today it’s not. So I took my hearing aids out. Oh I feel for people in this state that can’t just take hearing aids out.

Pdoc in 13 days! I think I’m gonna ask for seroquel a low dose for sleep. Maybe a can use it a bit before the cramping kicks in? I just need to get sleep under control. Oy!

@Scooter9

Thank you for the advice! I will try doing that. I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Maybe she'll have some insight too, though I doubt it. She'll probably just blame my hormones like she usually does and tell me to see my GP. Last year when I did that all my blood work and hormone levels came back fine and my GP told me to see my psychiatrist, so I bet if I did go to my GP she'd just tell me to see my psychiatrist.

Sigh.

I DO love my therapist but sometimes I question her advice!

Dissociating right now

I didn’t get on the treadmill, or practice violin , or walk to the library. Didn’t do anything I said I was going to do today

I need to get out of the house. I've been isolating in my apartment the past few days and I'm starting to get cabin fever.

Tomorrow I am going to the library.

I don't feel excited about things like I normally do. Normally I wake up feeling amazing and excited for each day. Lately I've been getting up and just trying to pass the time till bed time, then not sleeping well.

How do you know if your having anxiety or legit stomach issues? I can't sit still because my stomach hurts like hell and Idk if its an issue or not. I did pee out a bunch of dark brown urine when I woke up this morning and I threw up some specks of stuff that may or may not look like coffee grounds. All I've had is apple sauce today. But man **** this pain.

i see a doc a an psych immediate care tomorrow. i see him bc im losing it. im feeling bugs crawling on me and jsut want relief and to prevent IP. its $140 as they dont take insurance

I slept 12 hours last night and have woken up tired. Must be the depression giving me no energy, right?

We’re going to visit my partner’s dad in hospital today. Hopefully he hasn’t deteriorated any more because last week he was pretty bad.

I’m off to play Wordle but I’ll check in again later. Tc all!

Anxiety makes my IBS worse. like disabling worse

I took my blood pressure and it was 155/90 and then I realized I didn't take my propalanol. I took it and I feel better. I counted them and I have forgtten it 11 times. So I'm guessing some of the times I've felt crappy have been because I've missed a dose.