Bipolar Check-in #82

Good plan.

I see my new psychologist my gp referred me to in just under 2 hours. I feel nervous. I don’t want to dump it all on him in one go just how messed up my life is. Also, he’s a male and I’m used to females but I’m not going to let that prejudice me. I still have 2 weeks off work and hoping I can squeeze him in for one more session before I go back but I have been on q 3 month wait list just for today so that may be wishful thinking.

I’ll report back later after my new psychologist session.

I took the first dose of the elavil 1.5 hours ago. Its making me sleepy for sure. Calming my anxiety a lot and I'm not Starvin' Marvin' and ravenous.

But eh I'm fading though. Hopefully I wont be like. Ah whatever. I'm going to sleep. Stuff is knocking me out good.

Listening to a favorite CD. Mouth is dry today. Drinking lots of water.

My package came so i put all that awful anxiety behind me. But now i'm back to boredom. Having terrible trouble with boredom. I had a nice time chatting with my one close neighbor when we were both out with our dogs tho. I try and be grateful that i have safety and security and peace and quiet and privacy... But the day is long.

"They say boredom can't kill you. But you might wish it could!"

"My anxiety is like aerobics!" -- Woody Allen

Hugs to all in need!

I had a rough pdoc appointment, to the point where I sat in my car and cried for a bit when I got home (and I'm not a crier). My pdoc confirmed what I already knew and that's that he can't do anything to help me when I get depressed/suicidal because I don't handle meds well so there isn't really anything else we can try, especially since SSRIs are a no go. I knew this was what he was going to say, but actually hearing it really hurt. The thought of having to just wait it out anytime I get depressed/suicidal (which tends to happen at least a few times a year) fills me with so much dread and disappointment. I know people struggle with SI all the time and yet manage to live long lives but, to be completely honest, I don't fully trust my brain to not just give up one of these years.

My pdoc did give me his email though, in case I need to reach him asap, because he monitors that more than the online portal.

I'm really worried this very disappointing appointment is going to trigger the depression/SI thoughts that I had finally been getting a break from these past few days.

Trigger warning: appetite/food talk

@June08 Have you ever been on Emsam (or any MAOI, Emsam is just easier)? No ADs worked for me either but this does. I've been on it 15 years now and it still works. There are no side effects. At first when I was adjusting to it there was some agitation but that only lasted about a month and if I had followed the tapering schedule it probably would have been less. (The hospital wanted me on a low dose for a month; I convinced my family doctor who was filling in for my pdoc to increase the dose faster than that. I have no regrets but I did probably make it a little harder on myself).


Not all pdocs prescribe it. But if you haven't had success with anything else it might be worth asking about.

I typed a long reply about my new psychologist and it went blank because the server dropped. So annoyed.

I may have been wrong about the due date for my SSDI review. I looked at the instructions and it may be later this month. But 10/4 is on the top in big font so I'm not taking chances and will send it in tomorrow. I want it out of my hands ASAP anyway. I will worry until I hear back from them. I know that I can't work. I'm not awake long enough in a day to even fit into a shift. But every time I do this I worry. I'm also puzzled because it seems to say I did this 2 years and I have no memory of that. I thought reviews were supposed to be every 3 years? Which then makes me worry they want to kick me off...I'll just be anxious until that letter comes. I hope they are fast.

I passed out for about 6.5 hours. I did wake up to eat 11 caramel M&Ms because I had a dream about the caramel cold brew ones. They still make them. I might get a bag. I feel ok right now. Just still tired.

I hope you manage to fall back asleep soon

I got back to sleep for another 1.5 hours. I'm glad I decided to take the med so early though. Its going to take me a bit more to actually make it out of bed.

@Blue_Bird How are you doing this morning?

I'm resting my hip again today. Not exercising really drives my anxiety up. I think my hip did pop but I have quite a bit of muscle soreness from putting my weight awkwardly on that leg limping around. Might have to rest through the weekend, ugh! I'm icing it and that seems to help some along with taking Tylenol pretty much to the max daily on the bottle (but not to worry I am taking it spaced out according to the bottle directions). The good news for me is that it hurts less than yesterday. I hope that trend keeps up, less pain daily. I am going to try gentle stretching on that leg today though I will stop if it hurts more than baseline.

I slept well and hip pain didn't wake me last night the way it did the night before. I was at least able to read a ton yesterday. My mood is good except for the anxiety. I hope my mood is stays okay as exercise also helps with my depression.

I’m good! I managed to sleep 12 1/2 hours according to my Fitbit. I definitely needed it. I feel a lot better

There is nothing like good sleep!

Oh, good news! I managed to sleep good too, but not that long, just 7 hours. But for me that’s great.

It's been a pretty productive morning. I have some laundry going, sewed a few buttons onto a couple flannels missing them, called SS, Medicare, and Well Sense to straighten some shyt out (ok, so my hep med was SUPPOSED to be covered by Well Sense but something went wrong, and they're fixing it and I should get something in the mail soon). I'm my own rep. payee now too, apparently. I don't know when that happened, but the money wasn't being deposited into the rep. payee account (which is my mom's but kinda not? I don't really know how it works and we didn't use it the way it was intended so...instructions unclear, got stuck in a well). She called and asked about it and they just said I was my own payee now. Thanks for a notification? It'll be cool because now I'll actually know what I have and have access to it and won't have to take a wild guess and hope I'm putting down the right income on housing stuff and hope I'm not spending more than I have. Or constantly get yelled at for asking if I have enough money for tampons and lotion (man, have I noticed the air getting drier) (I also like to know if I have money for gas should I need it to get the "anti-bleeding-skin-substance").

I'm pretty proud of myself for those buttons though. My vision is shyt (thank you, meds. Never before have I been so happy to have common sense to know the speed limit sign says 30 and not 80 because my eyes want to trick me into a ticket (I think at that point they arrest you, especially when "practical speed limit" is 5-10mph over legal). I'm just picturing myself thinking I should be going 85 on a road like three miles long and two stop signs in that span meanwhile following someone lost but likes looking at pretty leaves doing 25. "Come on, lady, you're only going 55mph under the limit. I understand being careful in unfamiliar locations, but this is just unacceptable." Oh yeah, overcoming the tremors and motivation, energy, and organization difficulties also made me feel pretty good about those buttons.

Speaking of vision, meds may have worsened my vision too in that I had to have cataract removal at the age of 44 which is considered quite young to need cataract surgery. My eye doctor told me it is thought AP can cause cataracts, and I had been on mostly on Seroquel for 20 years (minus pregnancy & breastfeeding).

Good news is cataract surgery gave me awesome vision! I had been horribly nearsighted my entire life (from 4th grade on) to the point where my contact lens prescription was something like -11, and now I am slightly farsighted. I need to wear glasses for reading, but I don't have to wear glasses or contact lenses for anything else, can even drive without corrective vision. It's wonderful!

So, IDK, in my case, maybe it was a nicel thing to have AP (possibly) screw up my vision!

I used to have better than 20/20 vision. Now I have bifocals and a cataract forming. They are keeping an eye on it. But yes I understand part of it is age and part of it might be all my reading, but I blame meds for a huge part of it. I also blame meds for my metabolism disorder and think it was my vegetarian lifestyle for years that kept me from getting diabetes.

I went grocery shopping. Got everything on my list. Plus a pumpkin log dessert thing. I got a bag of apples. I’ve been really enjoying apples lately. They’re so good especially in the fall.

This is what I got

- [ ] Bananas
- [ ] Strawberries
- [ ] Oatmeal
- [ ] Yogurt
- [ ] Butter
- [ ] Chicken Patties
- [ ] Hamburger buns
- [ ] Cottage cheese
- [ ] Apples (a bag of them)
- [ ] English muffins
- [ ] Eggs
- [ ] Buffalo sauce
- [ ] Ranch
- [ ] Shredded lettuce
- [ ] Frozen berries
- [ ] Spinach fresh bagged x2
- [ ] Sweet potatoes x2

Plus the pumpkin log that was an unplanned purchase but it looked good and it’s fall and I love fall desserts.

And yesterday I got some cocoa powder, coffee, and Splenda at the other store. I like making oatmeal with a spoonful of 100% cocoa powder unsweetened, frozen berries, and a packet of Splenda and mixing it up. It’s one of my favorite breakfasts.

And I have two cases of unsweetened almond milk and a big thing of protein powder being delivered later today.

It was way too busy in the grocery store. I’m glad I slept in but going to the grocery store during the times it’s busy makes me anxious. Which is why I prefer going at 6am when hardly anyone is there.

I'm tired and groggy as **** right now and I haven't been too hungry anyways today.

I had therapy this morning and I shut down midway but like not in an obvious way. She probably just thought I was tired from the evail. Shutting down is unlike me though but I was getting kinda jealous of her other client. Also not like me.

.

And I have had plenty of other stuff going on to get her attention.

Idk. Hopefully this shyt feeling passes.

My pdocs nurse called. Said pdoc doesnt want me to take the new med. But doesn't know why. She'll call back. Idk



My pdoc and GI doc are going to talk together and figure out something. I just have to sign a release form.

I need to avoid avoidable triggers already

I had to order food. H is sleeping. V's no help. I have nothing to cook with or to cook so I ordered. Had therapy today. She helped me make a list of things to tell pdoc tomorrow. I'd just like to stop getting sick from the medicine. I'm becoming adverse to taking it. I'm not sleeping well. I'm trying to decide whether I should get Coursera or a degree.

I see new pdoc tomorrow. im still iritabl as helland not sleep well nightly. should i ask to go up on haldol or wait it out?