Bipolar Check-in #82

I take Thorazine for sleep. Most nights I sleep well. I don’t really need a med adjustment , this doesn’t happen super often, just occasionally and I threw my schedule off my taking a 5 hour nap yesterday morning

@Blue_Bird

I totally get this. I also can't work. Except I feel like a failure at life because I'm not making a ton of money off my writing and am not famous, probably because society instills in you that success = money and fame. Plus I'm just the editor of a tiny ezine. Honestly, it makes me want to cry. I feel like I've accomplished nothing. 😒 It's depressing. And my life is over half over do I'm just fcked.

I can't work either. I tried 3 different times; the longest I lasted was a month. The other too times, I had to quit within the first week. It was just too much for me. After the 3rd try and a near hospitalization, my pdoc at the time said it would be best for my health overall if I didn't work. I believe that she is right. But I still feel like a failure. Why did I even bother to go to school to get a Master's? Now, in retrospect, I wonder how I even managed to get through the master's program even though I had to take a leave of absence mid-way through for a hospitalization, I somehow finished it. But I don't think I'd be able to do that again. I feel guilty that H has to shoulder the entire financial burden and I'm a crappy housewife too, I barely manage to clean even once a month if that...sigh.

The whole idea that everybody's view of success should be the same (typically associated with having a lot of money, an "admirable" career/position within the field, and a high societal status) is a bunch of hogwash. I just want to eat, sleep, hike, and feel loved (in that order, if not all at once). I feel like a failure even though if you told me at 18 I'd live another 10 years I'd claim bs, but here I am, and I want to believe that's a success at some level.

I've tried "sign here, clock in/out" jobs too. I did well doing seasonal ride/lift operating positions at an amusement park and a ski area for four and a half years, but when covid came about and there was a five month gap of not doing anything and I went back as a ride operator, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put up with the heat or yelling at people to wear masks or the new positions they put in so there weren't hundreds of people touching a gate or being in charge of making however many people are in line for a log ride on a sunny 100F day social distance. I hated being yelled at by parents when I had to shut down every 30min-an hour to clean (alternating between bleach and ammonia at that, I felt super safe doing that...) or run half full cycles/load every other boat/row/plane/swing/whatever. My mental health was already shyt, and I tried other jobs in the meantime but I couldn't handle anything I got hired for (honestly it was just Dunk's and a dollar store I tried, but both had wild hours and next to no training so that was just not going to work).

If things at some point get better-- I go a while without a major episode, I get my trauma shyt under control, my ADHD doesn't do a crap job at air traffic control--I'd like to get a job I don't hate and can support me enough to get off of social security. No expectations though.

to everyone

I managed to finish cleaning, did everything except vacuum. I also did laundry. I’m gonna do my actual grocery shopping tomorrow after a full night of sleep and the vacuuming then too. My energy is crashing now and I’m just laying on the couch now. I’m not gonna push myself to practice violin today cause of the zero sleep it won’t really be effective practice, and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Im just gonna chill for the rest of the day. Watch some shows, listen to some music, and play some games.

People are out in the hallway talking and it’s driving me insane the noise is getting under my skin and making me feel rage. So I’m just gonna keep my headphones on.

Yeah I feel similar , I turned 30 in June and I feel like my life is flying by with nothing to show for it. I’m trying to practice mindfulness more and live in the present moment and appreciate everything and try to not regret it though, and just keep making good decisions and actions that move me forward to my goals. If I never reach them I guess that’s okay it’s really the journey that matters. I’m trying to learn to take the stoic philosophy to not wait for a goal to happen or to get to a certain point in life where I will then be happy, to be happy now and enjoy everything and the process of living, to not let happiness depend on outside circumstances or achievements, because life rushes by if you wait for your happiness to come in the future

I had some sort of migraine nausea bad fatigue all day yesterday. My 48oz bottle of peppermint cold brew coffee didn't even raise my blood pressure let alone help with my fatigue. I fell asleep at 5:15 then I woke up at 8:30PM and then I fell back asleep at 10 and I slept until 5. I drank some iced tea and ate granola for breakfast. Then I decIded to force myself out of the house for bottles of coffee from the grocery store. Since like one venti Starbucks coffee is $7 and a bottle of coffee from the grocery store is $7 for 3 servings. If I don't get tired as **** and drink all the whole bottle at one time. So I got a bunch of bottles of iced coffee and matchas and chai and stuff. I also got some limited edtion Motts caramel apple apple sauce and Motts caramel apple juice and some sparkling water. Then I went to the gas station and I think the cashier thought I was just another douche dude buying beef jerky and Mountain Dew, but it was my mom who was being confusing first.

Anyways, I battled my fatigue and got out of the house. So that is good. Not like I'm not totally back in bed now.

It's great you got your master's! That's an amazing achievement!

I was at the same job for eleven years, but after our daughter was born my bipolar took a nasty turn and my mental health rapidly declined and turned into schizoaffective disorder. I just couldn't handle working full-time and taking care of a newborn/baby/toddler, and then my psych nurse retired and I got a new, terrible psychiatrist who took me off 4mg of clonazepam in two months. It was a nightmare!

Then I had my first OD. Then I had my first psychotic break. Then I had multiple ODs over the span of four years, until, the summer she was four I had the worst manic episode of my life, got really psychotic, OD'd while alone with her, lost everything, including my family and my job, gained the family back, but it was clear I couldn't work, so now I'm on SSDI. This was seven (eight?) years ago.

I'm a lousy housewife too. I don't do anything! I don't even help pay the bills or make meals (well, I do when it's just my daughter and I home alone). I can't drive anywhere. Most of the time our daughter goes to my husband's mom's house (her choice. I think it's because there's not really anything to do here).

The only thing I really do is clean and take care of our cats.

My husband is always telling me that my biggest job is to take care of myself but I feel so bad! He's always telling me he wants me home with him and our daughter and not in the hospital and I'm always like, "WHY? I don't DO anything!"

Idk what people are going to do when they have to go back to work if things go to hell next year and they start cutting everything for everyone.

I got my new med so I'm hoping it helps me stop puking because I have planned so many times to go back to work before some BS medical issue comes up. My mom and my therapist have to tell me to stop looking at indeed. Like dude, just let me barf behind the dumpster.

Luckily things have been calm these last couple days.

I worked all kinds of jobs, a CNA, College tutor, education counselor at school for the blind, I forget what the job title was but I set up store displays, worked at Target( I thought less stress would help, but no) most jobs I held required a degree but I was 3 classes short of my degree but got hired anyway with work experience. But an episode always interrupted my work. The places I worked wanted me back but I was too embarrassed to return. So I was on SSDI for a long time. It’s embarrassing the times I didn’t work cause what do you say? But now I’m of retirement age and can just say I’m retired. My last job was working for the city of Austin. That job I quit to move in with mum and help her out. They texted me and wanted me to commute! They didn’t realize I moved to Minnesota! That was lol.
It’s nice that my work wanted me back, I only got fired once and that was bogus.

I do understand blue bird, blueberry and raspberry.

Horrible sleeping again. One more week to see pdoc

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

Even if you (feel like you) don't do anything, if he/they are happier with you at home, that's what counts

I am at a restaurant and tried eating a salad with acetic acid in the dressing! The very same stuff in the mint sauce that made my mouth burn so bad a month ago! Luckily I have Benadryl in my purse. My breathing is fine. It just really hurt my mouth! Funny that I just saw the allergist. He couldn’t test for acetic acid or vinegar but I am allergic. I ordered something else!

They will cut retirees too. My mom has a nice amount of money. We sold our house well when the market was good in 2021. I will inherit the house and the money when she is gone.

Now I’m eating a steak.

Ended up taking an hour and a half nap.

I feel like the act of being "fired" is arbitrary. I've literally been caught high on the job and not been fired, but got fired because I threw up and had no voice and it was affecting the way the work area at DD was run (when I tried calling in and it was "if you don't come in today, don't bother coming in again")
---
My therapy "session" lasted like 10 minutes, mostly silence, and it was pretty much "I'm tired and I don't quite know why, but there's a million reasons, and I bet at least three are in play." "You have a pdoc appointment this week, right? How you feeling about that?" "I don't know. I have no clue what's going on. Feel like something is off more than just had a few nights of interrupted sleep from nightmares, but I haven't a clue." I don't think she's super stoked to have me as her client (as in, I'm pretty sure she likes days like today where I barely talk and she gets to hang up and do something else for another 40 minutes because she gets really frustrated with me and then hates me, and she probably has weekly therapy on Wednesday evenings for herself because Wednesday days are when she schedules her "problem clients," but what do I know? I'm sure some of that's wrong, but I do bet she dreads our appointments and has Thursdays off for a reason.)

Made vegetarian chili though. Not the best I've made. I'm starting to wonder if I'm anemic again. Kinda feel that way and I've been bleeding quite a bit so wouldn't be surprised.

I feel like complete **** for some reason. Just flu like. Fatigue, chills, headache, nausea, no appetite. No fever though. Idk its just some new thing going on this past week or so.

Do they send you to the psych hospital for serotonin syndrome?

N3 suggested it might be my chronic dry mouth reacting to the acid and to try citrus fruit. Except grapefruit because it interferes with my medication.

I just got my SSDI renewal paper. Of course it comes when I haven't had a ton of appointments. I am so nervous about those things. Every time I get one I get scared. At least it's not the big 5 page one they used to use.


I'll fill it out today and take it to the post office tomorrow. They sure don't give you much time. It says it should be done by 10/4. That seems a little close.


And then the waiting begins....ugh.

Wow that is a short amount of time!