Bipolar Check-in #82

The lack of sleep is starting to trigger psychosis symptoms

I feel like my meds are poison and that my doctor is trying to

I also don’t feel real

I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow though regardless because we need to do something about my sleep issues, Im just scared.

One night of missed sleep shouldn’t be doing this to me should it

When I got mine they didn't give me very much time either, but I think I had more time than that! Jeez. That IS cutting it close!

I’m trying to avoid going to the hospital because I haven’t had to go in 6 or 7 years , but I’m not sure what to do

Plan is to call the crisis line if it gets worse but in the meantime I’m gonna take my night meds and try to sleep

Good plan.

I see my new psychologist my gp referred me to in just under 2 hours. I feel nervous. I don’t want to dump it all on him in one go just how messed up my life is. Also, he’s a male and I’m used to females but I’m not going to let that prejudice me. I still have 2 weeks off work and hoping I can squeeze him in for one more session before I go back but I have been on q 3 month wait list just for today so that may be wishful thinking.

I’ll report back later after my new psychologist session.

I took the first dose of the elavil 1.5 hours ago. Its making me sleepy for sure. Calming my anxiety a lot and I'm not Starvin' Marvin' and ravenous.

But eh I'm fading though. Hopefully I wont be like. Ah whatever. I'm going to sleep. Stuff is knocking me out good.

Listening to a favorite CD. Mouth is dry today. Drinking lots of water.

My package came so i put all that awful anxiety behind me. But now i'm back to boredom. Having terrible trouble with boredom. I had a nice time chatting with my one close neighbor when we were both out with our dogs tho. I try and be grateful that i have safety and security and peace and quiet and privacy... But the day is long.

"They say boredom can't kill you. But you might wish it could!"

"My anxiety is like aerobics!" -- Woody Allen

Hugs to all in need!

I had a rough pdoc appointment, to the point where I sat in my car and cried for a bit when I got home (and I'm not a crier). My pdoc confirmed what I already knew and that's that he can't do anything to help me when I get depressed/suicidal because I don't handle meds well so there isn't really anything else we can try, especially since SSRIs are a no go. I knew this was what he was going to say, but actually hearing it really hurt. The thought of having to just wait it out anytime I get depressed/suicidal (which tends to happen at least a few times a year) fills me with so much dread and disappointment. I know people struggle with SI all the time and yet manage to live long lives but, to be completely honest, I don't fully trust my brain to not just give up one of these years.

My pdoc did give me his email though, in case I need to reach him asap, because he monitors that more than the online portal.

I'm really worried this very disappointing appointment is going to trigger the depression/SI thoughts that I had finally been getting a break from these past few days.

Trigger warning: appetite/food talk

@June08 Have you ever been on Emsam (or any MAOI, Emsam is just easier)? No ADs worked for me either but this does. I've been on it 15 years now and it still works. There are no side effects. At first when I was adjusting to it there was some agitation but that only lasted about a month and if I had followed the tapering schedule it probably would have been less. (The hospital wanted me on a low dose for a month; I convinced my family doctor who was filling in for my pdoc to increase the dose faster than that. I have no regrets but I did probably make it a little harder on myself).


Not all pdocs prescribe it. But if you haven't had success with anything else it might be worth asking about.

I typed a long reply about my new psychologist and it went blank because the server dropped. So annoyed.

I may have been wrong about the due date for my SSDI review. I looked at the instructions and it may be later this month. But 10/4 is on the top in big font so I'm not taking chances and will send it in tomorrow. I want it out of my hands ASAP anyway. I will worry until I hear back from them. I know that I can't work. I'm not awake long enough in a day to even fit into a shift. But every time I do this I worry. I'm also puzzled because it seems to say I did this 2 years and I have no memory of that. I thought reviews were supposed to be every 3 years? Which then makes me worry they want to kick me off...I'll just be anxious until that letter comes. I hope they are fast.

I passed out for about 6.5 hours. I did wake up to eat 11 caramel M&Ms because I had a dream about the caramel cold brew ones. They still make them. I might get a bag. I feel ok right now. Just still tired.

I hope you manage to fall back asleep soon

I got back to sleep for another 1.5 hours. I'm glad I decided to take the med so early though. Its going to take me a bit more to actually make it out of bed.

@Blue_Bird How are you doing this morning?

I'm resting my hip again today. Not exercising really drives my anxiety up. I think my hip did pop but I have quite a bit of muscle soreness from putting my weight awkwardly on that leg limping around. Might have to rest through the weekend, ugh! I'm icing it and that seems to help some along with taking Tylenol pretty much to the max daily on the bottle (but not to worry I am taking it spaced out according to the bottle directions). The good news for me is that it hurts less than yesterday. I hope that trend keeps up, less pain daily. I am going to try gentle stretching on that leg today though I will stop if it hurts more than baseline.

I slept well and hip pain didn't wake me last night the way it did the night before. I was at least able to read a ton yesterday. My mood is good except for the anxiety. I hope my mood is stays okay as exercise also helps with my depression.

I’m good! I managed to sleep 12 1/2 hours according to my Fitbit. I definitely needed it. I feel a lot better