Bipolar Check-in #82

There is nothing like good sleep!

Oh, good news! I managed to sleep good too, but not that long, just 7 hours. But for me that’s great.

It's been a pretty productive morning. I have some laundry going, sewed a few buttons onto a couple flannels missing them, called SS, Medicare, and Well Sense to straighten some shyt out (ok, so my hep med was SUPPOSED to be covered by Well Sense but something went wrong, and they're fixing it and I should get something in the mail soon). I'm my own rep. payee now too, apparently. I don't know when that happened, but the money wasn't being deposited into the rep. payee account (which is my mom's but kinda not? I don't really know how it works and we didn't use it the way it was intended so...instructions unclear, got stuck in a well). She called and asked about it and they just said I was my own payee now. Thanks for a notification? It'll be cool because now I'll actually know what I have and have access to it and won't have to take a wild guess and hope I'm putting down the right income on housing stuff and hope I'm not spending more than I have. Or constantly get yelled at for asking if I have enough money for tampons and lotion (man, have I noticed the air getting drier) (I also like to know if I have money for gas should I need it to get the "anti-bleeding-skin-substance").

I'm pretty proud of myself for those buttons though. My vision is shyt (thank you, meds. Never before have I been so happy to have common sense to know the speed limit sign says 30 and not 80 because my eyes want to trick me into a ticket (I think at that point they arrest you, especially when "practical speed limit" is 5-10mph over legal). I'm just picturing myself thinking I should be going 85 on a road like three miles long and two stop signs in that span meanwhile following someone lost but likes looking at pretty leaves doing 25. "Come on, lady, you're only going 55mph under the limit. I understand being careful in unfamiliar locations, but this is just unacceptable." Oh yeah, overcoming the tremors and motivation, energy, and organization difficulties also made me feel pretty good about those buttons.

Speaking of vision, meds may have worsened my vision too in that I had to have cataract removal at the age of 44 which is considered quite young to need cataract surgery. My eye doctor told me it is thought AP can cause cataracts, and I had been on mostly on Seroquel for 20 years (minus pregnancy & breastfeeding).

Good news is cataract surgery gave me awesome vision! I had been horribly nearsighted my entire life (from 4th grade on) to the point where my contact lens prescription was something like -11, and now I am slightly farsighted. I need to wear glasses for reading, but I don't have to wear glasses or contact lenses for anything else, can even drive without corrective vision. It's wonderful!

So, IDK, in my case, maybe it was a nicel thing to have AP (possibly) screw up my vision!

I used to have better than 20/20 vision. Now I have bifocals and a cataract forming. They are keeping an eye on it. But yes I understand part of it is age and part of it might be all my reading, but I blame meds for a huge part of it. I also blame meds for my metabolism disorder and think it was my vegetarian lifestyle for years that kept me from getting diabetes.

I went grocery shopping. Got everything on my list. Plus a pumpkin log dessert thing. I got a bag of apples. I’ve been really enjoying apples lately. They’re so good especially in the fall.

This is what I got

- [ ] Bananas
- [ ] Strawberries
- [ ] Oatmeal
- [ ] Yogurt
- [ ] Butter
- [ ] Chicken Patties
- [ ] Hamburger buns
- [ ] Cottage cheese
- [ ] Apples (a bag of them)
- [ ] English muffins
- [ ] Eggs
- [ ] Buffalo sauce
- [ ] Ranch
- [ ] Shredded lettuce
- [ ] Frozen berries
- [ ] Spinach fresh bagged x2
- [ ] Sweet potatoes x2

Plus the pumpkin log that was an unplanned purchase but it looked good and it’s fall and I love fall desserts.

And yesterday I got some cocoa powder, coffee, and Splenda at the other store. I like making oatmeal with a spoonful of 100% cocoa powder unsweetened, frozen berries, and a packet of Splenda and mixing it up. It’s one of my favorite breakfasts.

And I have two cases of unsweetened almond milk and a big thing of protein powder being delivered later today.

It was way too busy in the grocery store. I’m glad I slept in but going to the grocery store during the times it’s busy makes me anxious. Which is why I prefer going at 6am when hardly anyone is there.

I'm tired and groggy as **** right now and I haven't been too hungry anyways today.

I had therapy this morning and I shut down midway but like not in an obvious way. She probably just thought I was tired from the evail. Shutting down is unlike me though but I was getting kinda jealous of her other client. Also not like me.

.

And I have had plenty of other stuff going on to get her attention.

Idk. Hopefully this shyt feeling passes.

My pdocs nurse called. Said pdoc doesnt want me to take the new med. But doesn't know why. She'll call back. Idk



My pdoc and GI doc are going to talk together and figure out something. I just have to sign a release form.

I need to avoid avoidable triggers already

I had to order food. H is sleeping. V's no help. I have nothing to cook with or to cook so I ordered. Had therapy today. She helped me make a list of things to tell pdoc tomorrow. I'd just like to stop getting sick from the medicine. I'm becoming adverse to taking it. I'm not sleeping well. I'm trying to decide whether I should get Coursera or a degree.

I see new pdoc tomorrow. im still iritabl as helland not sleep well nightly. should i ask to go up on haldol or wait it out?

I know I have a thread dedicated to this but I’m so happy I fired that therapist! She twisted things, adlibbed and insinuated negativity and trauma wherever she could! She had her own addenda and tried to fit my life into her personal crazy theories. God I’m glad my case manager is finding me a new therapist. This last one is toxic! She took my reality and added in her own twisted fantasy with her trauma thories.??she only wanted to talk about negativity and she interjected trauma where there was none!

I got out to my mental health drop-in in-person and it was good to see everyone. I only had an hour there tho, because of my dog's schedule. But it was still good to take a break from my problems, tho i wound up mostly listening to other people's problems. But that's still an improvement! It was nice to be supportive and interested and positive and engaged.

@June08:

I'm sorry to hear you are facing a future of struggling with SI. I've so enjoyed hearing about what a caring teacher you are and how you have real affection for your students. (Note that i realize Crazy Hitch is in a different situation, working in a rowdy public school, while June is in a private school, where working conditions are better.) You also seem to have a lot of energy and enjoy staying busy and have a matter-of-fact attitude to the trials of living with your roommate. I struggle with SI and acted on it many times in my early thirties when life fell apart. It just made life harder so i would encourage you to dig deep when those thoughts strike and not do anything to make things worse. I saw a guy on the bus once with the most compelling tattoo on his inner left forearm and i've always remembered it. In elegant script, it said, "This too shall pass."

I saw my new psychologist yesterday. A guy. He was good. Had me laughing a few times even though I’m depressed. He’s going to do cbt with me. I had to buy a brown notebook for our next session. I get nervous writing things down. What if my partner reads it by mistake? He’ll know how coockoo I am. Psychologist said he’s not clearing me for work in 2 weeks but it comes down to what the gp believes because the gp writes my certificate.

@Crazy Hitch I'm so glad it went well. I've had 2 therapists I got along well with and both were/are men. I think my current (male) therapist wants to change me to a woman when he retires in about 18 months and I'm not sure how that will go.


I understand about the privacy thing. I keep everything on my computer because it feels safer. When I've been IP and done a ton of journaling I've torn out and shredded all the pages when I've gotten home, even when I lived alone.


Do you get some sort of summer vacation? I have absolutely no idea how that works outside the US. My parents were teachers and I know even without BP they were always ready for summer (about 10-12 weeks off here I think).


I hope your GP signs you off for more. Can the psychologist contact him?

It’s going to be summer vacation near the end of December so quite a while to go unfortunately

The psychologist is writing my gp a letter but no idea if he’s going to mention the part about me not being ready for work but you would think he would.

So cool your parents were teachers too!

I fell asleep from 3:30 until 8. I was just a bit frustrated with things today and I felt sleeping was the best thing. I feel ok now. I'm kinda anxious but it might be heartburn too since I ate coffee flavored M&Ms for dinner.

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Husband and I are seeing Carcass and Hatebreed in Green Bay. We haven't been to a straight death metal show in ages, so it's going to be cool. 😊

Had bad dreams last night. Spent a good four hours tossing and turning. Luckily I didn't keep Husband up, remarkably enough. Part of them were anxiety dreams about being old. I REALLY need to get over it. I mean, there's nothing I can DO about it. Everyone gets a turn at each age (as my old coworker used to say).

Had fun playing soccer at the park with the family today and later on basketball.

Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. Hoping she can help me decide what to talk about with my psychiatrist at my appointment on Monday because I have no clue anymore. Since stopping taking Claritin on the daily my anxiety and depression seems to have lifted. I'm staying away from OTC medication, besides Tylenol! Behind the counter sudafed gave me psychosis like symptoms. Benadryl raised my anxiety. Claritin made me anxious, depressed and paranoid. Wtf man. I've decided OTC stuff is EVIL. 😈 Plus I was going to ask my therapist if she would come with me to my appointment. I'm still scared of this psychiatrist. Lol.

@BeyondtheRainbow I've never tried an MAOI and don't know much about them. It's good to know (and I'm happy for you!) that you haven't had any negative reactions to it. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

@JaneOnceMore Thank you for the kind words-they mean a lot!

@Crazy Hitch I hope your gp will give you what you need.

@raspberrytorte if you have to travel to get to Green Bay, safe travels! I've only been to Green Bay once-for my one and only Packer's game. Go Pack Go!

@Blueberrybook I hope your hip feels better soon so you can get back into your routine!

I hope everyone is able to sleep well (whatever that looks like for you) tonight.

Words cannot say how thankful I am for this community.

Last night, I went through this worksheet I received in counseling on Monday that has you reflect on what is out of your control vs in your control and actions you can take to be the person you want to be in the situation you are reflecting on. I did this with my bipolar disorder and was able to come up with more things that are in my control than out of it (when it comes to managing/handling things). The trick is to lean into what I can control and hope/trust that things can get better and fighting to get better is worth the fight, even though there are guaranteed bumps along the way because that's just how life works.

My students have been pretty goofy these last couple of days-it's been fun to see. Tomorrow, instead of teaching, I have to attend an all day curriculum meeting for one of the subjects I teach. I'm not looking forward to it; hopefully, it won't be to boring.

I went to the library after school today to pick up a few books. Traffic on the way home from there was wild! Hopefully, I'll like at least one of them (for some reason, it's hard for me to find books I like).

@June08

Luckily Green Bay is only about a forty-five minute drive from us. Yay! We don't have to drive close to two hours! (Which is what we have to do for Milwaukee or Madison. Makes for a loooooong drive home late at night.)

I'm sorry to hear about your SI/antidepressant situation. Do SSDRI's cause mania for you? I was just wondering because the first time I was put on sertraline it caused me mania, but when I was put on wellbutrin, effexor, and cymbalta, none of those caused me to have manic-like symptoms. What about the older antidepressants, like remeron? Of course, I'm sure you've tried all these already. If I were you I'd be devastated as well. That really sucks man. 😞