Bipolar Check-in #82

So I've been agitated all week. My therapist was going to have a conversation about sending the boy home this week but that's already happening this weekend. She's concerned if I don't get my stress under control that my symptoms will get worse. Basically she wants me to sleep, eat and do relaxing things. Build a routine around that. No school or anything like that. I really wanted to finish my course now that he's leaving. So IDK. I know she has my best interest in mind but I do have to get back to life.

I took some PRNS today and Im btchy with Ben. I dont mean to be. Im jus irritable is all. hes being annoying.

im so agitated omg he asked me for a red markers and now hes using all mine up on some dumb poster hes making for work. guess im buying new markers nxt week

fahkin' A, man.
I fell asleep at 7 and woke up an hour ago (10) and I am abso-freaking-lutely raging. People complaining about "only" sleeping 5 hours THE PREVIOUS NIGHT insinuating that's an abnormality. I'm pretty sure there was a point I had barely more than that in a week. Hell, I probably went on a meth binge once and didn't even get that (my fault though, and ofc followed by days of sleep).



And people say "everyone's a little bipolar." Pshhh. Yeah, everyone spends days/weeks/months straight on 0-5 hours of sleep a night while also uncomfortably energetic, cannot keep their thoughts straight, and thinks they're superior to everyone else, but also spends weeks/months at other times without energy regardless of sleeping 0 or 18 hours a day or anywhere in between that and have no desire to do anything. Anything. Showering? Fk that. Walking to the bathroom to pee? No. Eat? Why? I get literally nothing out of that but survival and guilt and the guilt of survival, and I want none of that.
Yeah. Go back to calling it manic-depression, and then we'll say "everyone's a little manic-depressive."

I don't know what my problem is as of late. I don't know why my anxiety has been so out of control! I don't know if it's the change of seasons or what. I feel like I'm withdrawing off a med, like I'm IP and they haven't given me my meds in two days or something. I feel light headed and dizzy and like I'm going to lose control. Hacked off all my beautiful long hair tonight and am filled with regret. I suppose it'll grow back. And my hair grows pretty fast thankfully. I haven't dyed it yet because I ran out of time.

My anxiety is rising to intolerable levels, and I don't know why! I blame sertraline. Luckily I see my psychiatrist on October 7th. I'm going to make her listen to me. I know she'll just say, "Well you're on both gabapentin and diazepam. Those should help your anxiety." Apparently at the moment they're not, lady. I just feel sick. I've even lost my appetite, which is bizarre for me because I have a fat *** and am usually hungry all the time.

I don't know. Guess I just needed to vent.

Mourning the loss of my hair.

😭 😭 😭

@MuddyBoots Yeah, that about sums up why I struggle with such anxiety when it comes to relationships. My dad left twice and I've had little consistency with adults in my life I could look up to growing up and being able to have/keep long term friends. Thanks for the food for thought!

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope your appointment is helpful!

Thinking of all of you who are struggling.

Today was an alright day, all things considered. It went fast which I'm grateful for. I'm noticing I have been putting off going to bed later and later because of how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning because of being depressed. As I right this, I haven't even begun my nighttime routine and I've normally been in bed by now for at least 30 minutes.

I'm worried about how my mood will be this weekend because of down time. I have a TON of grading to do so that will keep me busy. I also have an infusion scheduled and might see a friend on Sunday.

Oh, the friend I was so worried about said no worries to what I said so that has me feeling a little better.

Today has been okay but now that I’m back home doing nothing anxiety is sky high again!

We went to the mall. Mt partner got his hair cut and my son and I picked up something to eat. Went to visit his dad in hospital who continues to lose a lot of weight. But he looks like he’s got more colour than last week. We then went and had a coffee with his mother at her house. We went to the beach and my son played in the sand and I got a lemon meringue pie slice. It was delicious.

Now we’re back home my partner is doing the lawn and I’m lying here all anxious and everything in between.