Bipolar Check-in #82

Bluebird that’s fun! An iPad! I got mine a year and a half ago. It was a Christmas gift.

Bluebird I LOVE my iPad. I've had it for years, maybe since 2015, 2016? I had another one before that, but on a visit to my inlaws in LA, I dropped it in the Pacific Ocean (along with my iPhone). Needless to say, I had to get both another phone & another iPad. Kinda put a damper on that visit to So Cal.

I'm still in the land of stability, pretty level & sleeping around 8 hr/night. I don't like how stability blunts my emotions (on the happy side mostly) though I guess in reality, I don't feel depressed either & of course, I'm not manic as well.

My life is starting to feel like that song "Every Day Is Exactly the Same" by Nine Inch Nails. I could change it up, drive to the beach or something since there is a nice beach an easy 15 min drive from my house and it doesn't get crowded once school is back in session. Or take my daughter clothes shopping because she needs new clothes. Or clean. I don't know why I tend to keep the same routine.

I really do need to clean, but I still have that scrape healing on my right hand from my face plant into the sidewalk last week. I fell last Monday, and this scrape still hurts like h*ll. So do the scrapes on my knees. I'm taking Tylenol every day for the pain and it dulls it slightly but not much. Really ready to feel better and stop downing Tylenol daily. I don't remember it hurting so much whenever I skinned my knees as a kid (and I skinned them a lot, mostly falling off my bike or jumping off things).

Ah well, all things considered, my life could be worse. At least I'm not depressed about things and reading is still fun & relaxing.

My groceries were delivered to someone elses house. So I had to call Walmart and get a refund. They are good about stuff like that and gave me a full refund. So now I have a pickup for 2PM. I was irritated about it but now that its all set up I'm fine. Someone got a nice bunch of groceries though. Because even if they called, Walmart would just tell them to keep them because of food safety reasons. Eh whatever.

I wish I knew how to snap out of this depression though.

I keep rubbing my face because of how frustrated I am right now with nothing in particular. Just life.

I think I'm going to have to stop the zofran again. Its just messing with my anxiety too much. I also just read that Pantropaloze can cause major depression in people. I'm still just sitting here rubbing my face in frustration with CNN on. I need to do something with my meds.

So they're gone. I'm not sleeping, irritated and confused. This is the first time my money is in sole my account and I've already spent like $350 and we haven't paid bills yet. I'm so ****ed. H doesn't know yet. I also spent all the EBT for the month. I kinda flipped out yesterday when everything was going wrong. Spent a ton, learned somethings but way over spent.

Spent the morning with the neighbor kids playing soccer. I try and talk to their parents during whatever causes half the town to run into each other some days, but I always say "fk this, I do NOT care to worry about random events I can't control," and end up projectiling a ball at a 9 year old. They love it (the parents are happy I'm not asking them questions that make them look dumb and the kids are happy someone's teaching them skills that may come in handy some day when they do not care to talk about things not fun to talk about and would rather run around with a pretty pink ball as well).

My med run person talked about helping me pack and other moving-related stuff with me this morning too, and said if I have a freak out and need to I can call her. I think they're trying to get me to think more about it so I do less procrastinating on everything and, well, actually plan and commit to this new place. I haven't signed any lease or paid the security deposit or given a move in date or anything. I haven't even seen a unit because it's being remodeled (will get a call when that's done to check it out), but it sounds like I'm for sure moving there. I just don't know if that's going to be within a month or within a year. I hate planning and prefer to pull things off spur of the moment (which is good and bad), but it's probably best I don't find out "ay, we can set up a move in date for next week" or whatever and I spend that entire week running around like one of those lions just learning to hunt that get confused when the group of gazelles splits off, and feeling like I'm doing a lot because I am using a lot of energy but slowing down and thinking about being efficient is a better method. I've been more able to do the latter lately (Ritalin?) just because I don't feel some sort of internal pressure to do everything as fast as possible (and screw it up because I'm doing it faster than possible). It's pretty nice.