Bipolar Check-in #82

Bluebird that’s fun! An iPad! I got mine a year and a half ago. It was a Christmas gift.

Bluebird I LOVE my iPad. I've had it for years, maybe since 2015, 2016? I had another one before that, but on a visit to my inlaws in LA, I dropped it in the Pacific Ocean (along with my iPhone). Needless to say, I had to get both another phone & another iPad. Kinda put a damper on that visit to So Cal.

I'm still in the land of stability, pretty level & sleeping around 8 hr/night. I don't like how stability blunts my emotions (on the happy side mostly) though I guess in reality, I don't feel depressed either & of course, I'm not manic as well.

My life is starting to feel like that song "Every Day Is Exactly the Same" by Nine Inch Nails. I could change it up, drive to the beach or something since there is a nice beach an easy 15 min drive from my house and it doesn't get crowded once school is back in session. Or take my daughter clothes shopping because she needs new clothes. Or clean. I don't know why I tend to keep the same routine.

I really do need to clean, but I still have that scrape healing on my right hand from my face plant into the sidewalk last week. I fell last Monday, and this scrape still hurts like h*ll. So do the scrapes on my knees. I'm taking Tylenol every day for the pain and it dulls it slightly but not much. Really ready to feel better and stop downing Tylenol daily. I don't remember it hurting so much whenever I skinned my knees as a kid (and I skinned them a lot, mostly falling off my bike or jumping off things).

Ah well, all things considered, my life could be worse. At least I'm not depressed about things and reading is still fun & relaxing.

My groceries were delivered to someone elses house. So I had to call Walmart and get a refund. They are good about stuff like that and gave me a full refund. So now I have a pickup for 2PM. I was irritated about it but now that its all set up I'm fine. Someone got a nice bunch of groceries though. Because even if they called, Walmart would just tell them to keep them because of food safety reasons. Eh whatever.

I wish I knew how to snap out of this depression though.

I keep rubbing my face because of how frustrated I am right now with nothing in particular. Just life.

I think I'm going to have to stop the zofran again. Its just messing with my anxiety too much. I also just read that Pantropaloze can cause major depression in people. I'm still just sitting here rubbing my face in frustration with CNN on. I need to do something with my meds.

So they're gone. I'm not sleeping, irritated and confused. This is the first time my money is in sole my account and I've already spent like $350 and we haven't paid bills yet. I'm so ****ed. H doesn't know yet. I also spent all the EBT for the month. I kinda flipped out yesterday when everything was going wrong. Spent a ton, learned somethings but way over spent.

Spent the morning with the neighbor kids playing soccer. I try and talk to their parents during whatever causes half the town to run into each other some days, but I always say "fk this, I do NOT care to worry about random events I can't control," and end up projectiling a ball at a 9 year old. They love it (the parents are happy I'm not asking them questions that make them look dumb and the kids are happy someone's teaching them skills that may come in handy some day when they do not care to talk about things not fun to talk about and would rather run around with a pretty pink ball as well).

My med run person talked about helping me pack and other moving-related stuff with me this morning too, and said if I have a freak out and need to I can call her. I think they're trying to get me to think more about it so I do less procrastinating on everything and, well, actually plan and commit to this new place. I haven't signed any lease or paid the security deposit or given a move in date or anything. I haven't even seen a unit because it's being remodeled (will get a call when that's done to check it out), but it sounds like I'm for sure moving there. I just don't know if that's going to be within a month or within a year. I hate planning and prefer to pull things off spur of the moment (which is good and bad), but it's probably best I don't find out "ay, we can set up a move in date for next week" or whatever and I spend that entire week running around like one of those lions just learning to hunt that get confused when the group of gazelles splits off, and feeling like I'm doing a lot because I am using a lot of energy but slowing down and thinking about being efficient is a better method. I've been more able to do the latter lately (Ritalin?) just because I don't feel some sort of internal pressure to do everything as fast as possible (and screw it up because I'm doing it faster than possible). It's pretty nice.

Sorry about your iPad and iPhone falling into the ocean! That had to be really upsetting, I would be so upset if that happened to me. Glad you got new ones though. And it’s awesome that you’ve had your current iPad since 2015 or 2016, so I guess they hold up well then? I was wondering how well they held up over the years since I never had one before. The one I got is a renewed one from Amazon, so it’s refurbished but most of the refurbished tech I’ve ever gotten from Amazon comes looking/working like brand new , so I figured if I could save some money I’d go with refurbished. Amazon does a good job with their renewed products in my experience.

Sorry that things feel like every day is the same. I feel like that sometimes too. Which is why I’m trying to get myself to get out and do more things to kind of add some excitement to my life, since it does feel like everyday is a repeat of the last a lot of the time

Had my violin lesson last night. It went well. I have a lot of material to work on between now and my next lesson. Probably gonna wait a month between now and my next lesson to work on stuff. Usually I do 2-3 lessons a month but I think I’ll take a 4 week break cause there’s a lot of material to work on right now and it’s gonna take me some time to do.

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow night with the rescue kitties. Looking forward to it. Always love seeing and playing with the kitties there. The next two Sundays I’m gonna be training someone new to volunteering there. So that should be interesting.

I drew again today, Chimchar which is a character from Pokemon. Pictured below

I have to be somewhere super early tomorrow so I’m probably gonna pull an all nighter. I try not to do that often but I can’t miss this thing so I don’t want to risk oversleeping. So I’m just gonna stay up and watch some shows.

Bluebird, assuming you don't drop your iPad into an ocean (or other body of water), they hold up REALLY well. It is super expensive to buy one, but IMO it is worth the investment I am sure you will enjoy yours!

Sorry your days are repetitive too. It gets old, but then I remind myself, hey, it could be worse. And at least I'm not depressed.

I love your sketches

Waiting for N2 to show up. I don’t know how far she is away but she just texted that she’s leaving now. We are celebrating her birthday which is later this week- 25!!!!

I feel anxious. Probably because my pen pal hasn’t written back since my admission of my psychotic break back in March. I’m afraid his reply isn’t delayed like sometimes but not going to show up at all.

I had a 2nd generation iPad for over 10 years. It still worked, but was slow. Then it said it couldn’t upload the new features anymore and I finally traded it in. With iPad you can send in your old one and get credit toward a new one. Mine was so old I didn’t get much credit but at least I didn’t have to pay to dispose of it. I love my iPad.

Hallelujah and rejoicing! I ordered from a meal delivery service and i just had the first one and it was transporting! It was the chickpea bowl. Delicious. They deliver fresh meals. Just heat them up in the mic for two minutes. The only thing is you have to order a minimum of ten meals and there are only four vegetarian options so i had to order multiples. It's okay tho because my diet was pretty limited between the grocery store and ordering-in. Don't know if i'll stick with this service forever, but we are off to a good start! WOWEE!!! Can't believe i had a nutritious and delicious meal in my own home!!!!!

Oy! I took my Sunday shower, I like hot, hot showers, had my head under the water and took a deep breath though my nose. Ow, I think I burned the inside of my delicate nose! Oh, that stung. It fine now but oy! Showers should be banned, bring back tubs! 😂 lol

It’s 8:00am and I’ve already showered (hallelujah) been to the grocery store and filled my car with petrol. Feeling anxious, but accomplished!

My early, 4-hour allergy appointment is tomorrow. N1 is taking me there and N3 is taking me home.

well another weekend has come and gone. sigh. i like sleeping in lol haldol as been making me sleep and im not as irritable!!!

Several months ago I thought my Brita pitcher was leaking. I changed it out last week and there was still water on the fridge shelf. I just took a look at the top of the fridge and it is dripping water all over. I assume the freezer isn't working properly. I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a new fridge. This one is only 10 years old which doesn't seem old for a fridge given the price. i just want to cry....

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I'm so sorry to hear of your fridge malfunctioning. I worry about mine as i've had it for 19 years and who knows how long it was here before that. The thought of replacing it is overwhelming, so i certainly sympathize. You're right, ten years doesn't sound like a long life for a fridge. Hoping it goes as smoothly as possible! Life just seems to be one obstacle after another sometimes... I'll keep a good thought for you!

I took a 4 hour nap. I woke up completly confused on what day it was. I ate a banana for dinner and watched the Oprah weight loss episode of this series on CNN. Last week was Murphy Brown. Next week is the Ellen coming out episode. Its a series about TV moments that set the world on edge. I feel a bit better maybe because I didn't take the zofran this afternoon so my anxiety is ok.

@BeyondtheRainbow sorry about your fridge.


I'm happy with how today went. I got coffee with the friend I was spiraling a little bit about early this week and everything was fine. She also might have POTs so, while I feel bad that she has it, it was also nice to talk with someone who gets it. A different friend, who is hit or miss when it comes to responding to my texts, also responded to something I sent her and we had a nice mini chat so that was also nice.

And, at Mass today I had an older lady (who I've never talked with) walk up to me and say she missed me last week. I had to sit in a different spot last week and, apparently, she noticed I wasn't there and thought I was gone. The fact that this complete stranger noticed I was gone and even came up to say she missed me, even though we've never talked, is wild. Definitely something to reflect on amidst the SI thoughts I've been struggling with-those thoughts haven't been as strong today thankfully.

I've decided the fridge thing is ok. Even if (and it's likely) I have to replace the fridge it is so much better now than it would have been if it happened in the middle of the move we aren't doing bc the in spectator found numerous big issues. It's hard to leave a brand new fridge to move away and in that place have to buy a new one. I would have hated spending all that money on something I was leaving behind.

I just hope it's easy and the repairmant comes quickly.