Bipolar Check-in #82

I know I have a thread dedicated to this but I’m so happy I fired that therapist! She twisted things, adlibbed and insinuated negativity and trauma wherever she could! She had her own addenda and tried to fit my life into her personal crazy theories. God I’m glad my case manager is finding me a new therapist. This last one is toxic! She took my reality and added in her own twisted fantasy with her trauma thories.??she only wanted to talk about negativity and she interjected trauma where there was none!

I got out to my mental health drop-in in-person and it was good to see everyone. I only had an hour there tho, because of my dog's schedule. But it was still good to take a break from my problems, tho i wound up mostly listening to other people's problems. But that's still an improvement! It was nice to be supportive and interested and positive and engaged.

@June08:

I'm sorry to hear you are facing a future of struggling with SI. I've so enjoyed hearing about what a caring teacher you are and how you have real affection for your students. (Note that i realize Crazy Hitch is in a different situation, working in a rowdy public school, while June is in a private school, where working conditions are better.) You also seem to have a lot of energy and enjoy staying busy and have a matter-of-fact attitude to the trials of living with your roommate. I struggle with SI and acted on it many times in my early thirties when life fell apart. It just made life harder so i would encourage you to dig deep when those thoughts strike and not do anything to make things worse. I saw a guy on the bus once with the most compelling tattoo on his inner left forearm and i've always remembered it. In elegant script, it said, "This too shall pass."

I saw my new psychologist yesterday. A guy. He was good. Had me laughing a few times even though I’m depressed. He’s going to do cbt with me. I had to buy a brown notebook for our next session. I get nervous writing things down. What if my partner reads it by mistake? He’ll know how coockoo I am. Psychologist said he’s not clearing me for work in 2 weeks but it comes down to what the gp believes because the gp writes my certificate.

@Crazy Hitch I'm so glad it went well. I've had 2 therapists I got along well with and both were/are men. I think my current (male) therapist wants to change me to a woman when he retires in about 18 months and I'm not sure how that will go.


I understand about the privacy thing. I keep everything on my computer because it feels safer. When I've been IP and done a ton of journaling I've torn out and shredded all the pages when I've gotten home, even when I lived alone.


Do you get some sort of summer vacation? I have absolutely no idea how that works outside the US. My parents were teachers and I know even without BP they were always ready for summer (about 10-12 weeks off here I think).


I hope your GP signs you off for more. Can the psychologist contact him?

It’s going to be summer vacation near the end of December so quite a while to go unfortunately

The psychologist is writing my gp a letter but no idea if he’s going to mention the part about me not being ready for work but you would think he would.

So cool your parents were teachers too!

I fell asleep from 3:30 until 8. I was just a bit frustrated with things today and I felt sleeping was the best thing. I feel ok now. I'm kinda anxious but it might be heartburn too since I ate coffee flavored M&Ms for dinner.

Looking forward to tomorrow night. Husband and I are seeing Carcass and Hatebreed in Green Bay. We haven't been to a straight death metal show in ages, so it's going to be cool. 😊

Had bad dreams last night. Spent a good four hours tossing and turning. Luckily I didn't keep Husband up, remarkably enough. Part of them were anxiety dreams about being old. I REALLY need to get over it. I mean, there's nothing I can DO about it. Everyone gets a turn at each age (as my old coworker used to say).

Had fun playing soccer at the park with the family today and later on basketball.

Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. Hoping she can help me decide what to talk about with my psychiatrist at my appointment on Monday because I have no clue anymore. Since stopping taking Claritin on the daily my anxiety and depression seems to have lifted. I'm staying away from OTC medication, besides Tylenol! Behind the counter sudafed gave me psychosis like symptoms. Benadryl raised my anxiety. Claritin made me anxious, depressed and paranoid. Wtf man. I've decided OTC stuff is EVIL. 😈 Plus I was going to ask my therapist if she would come with me to my appointment. I'm still scared of this psychiatrist. Lol.

@BeyondtheRainbow I've never tried an MAOI and don't know much about them. It's good to know (and I'm happy for you!) that you haven't had any negative reactions to it. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

@JaneOnceMore Thank you for the kind words-they mean a lot!

@Crazy Hitch I hope your gp will give you what you need.

@raspberrytorte if you have to travel to get to Green Bay, safe travels! I've only been to Green Bay once-for my one and only Packer's game. Go Pack Go!

@Blueberrybook I hope your hip feels better soon so you can get back into your routine!

I hope everyone is able to sleep well (whatever that looks like for you) tonight.

Words cannot say how thankful I am for this community.

Last night, I went through this worksheet I received in counseling on Monday that has you reflect on what is out of your control vs in your control and actions you can take to be the person you want to be in the situation you are reflecting on. I did this with my bipolar disorder and was able to come up with more things that are in my control than out of it (when it comes to managing/handling things). The trick is to lean into what I can control and hope/trust that things can get better and fighting to get better is worth the fight, even though there are guaranteed bumps along the way because that's just how life works.

My students have been pretty goofy these last couple of days-it's been fun to see. Tomorrow, instead of teaching, I have to attend an all day curriculum meeting for one of the subjects I teach. I'm not looking forward to it; hopefully, it won't be to boring.

I went to the library after school today to pick up a few books. Traffic on the way home from there was wild! Hopefully, I'll like at least one of them (for some reason, it's hard for me to find books I like).

@June08

Luckily Green Bay is only about a forty-five minute drive from us. Yay! We don't have to drive close to two hours! (Which is what we have to do for Milwaukee or Madison. Makes for a loooooong drive home late at night.)

I'm sorry to hear about your SI/antidepressant situation. Do SSDRI's cause mania for you? I was just wondering because the first time I was put on sertraline it caused me mania, but when I was put on wellbutrin, effexor, and cymbalta, none of those caused me to have manic-like symptoms. What about the older antidepressants, like remeron? Of course, I'm sure you've tried all these already. If I were you I'd be devastated as well. That really sucks man. 😞

It's a very long day of traveling tomorrow for me. I have to get up at 4am, pack, and then drive for 2 hours.

After that, I need to return the rental car, get to the airport, take a 5 hour flight, go through customs, and finally get home by about 8pm. Long day.

I hope things go smoothly. They didn't go so well on the trip in, some really wild things happened and I really don't want a repeat.

My depression is still doing its thing so I'm feeling low, but I'm hanging on. This too shall pass.

I did have a chance to get into a really deep thought place. I focused on how I was feeling and for an hour, just let my thoughts pass by without feeding them. My mind eventually became much quieter and my body felt like jello.

I really want my therapists attention. I know theres the whole dress to impress thing. I could legit use a haircut too. I don't really need to do anything, I already have a lot going on that will get her attention.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. Why I sleep so much and have all these strong feelings all of a sudden.



My mom says I'm depressed.

It's 4:15 and I'm still awake. I know that I'll get to sleep eventually but I hate this. I hate this time of night. I hate the anxiety to get to sleep before daylight. I hate the fear that I won't sleep at all (I will, even if it is in the morning) because that certainly has happened but not when I was on these meds.


I don't know why I'm still so anxious. I thought it would go down when my therapist came back. It did some but I'm still quite anxious and still taking PRN Seroquel (just 12.5 mg twice a day) most days. Of course now it may be because of my SSDI review. I took that to the post office today so I've done everything I can. I just hated that I was filling it out without my normal amount of therapist of pdoc visits. i put a note on the form that explained my therapist who I usually see weekly had been on medical leave and my psychiatrist who I see monthly had cancelled on me so the form was representative of normal but who knows if they'll accept that.

Does anyone remember how quickly they heard back? I don't even remember my last review apparently so I certainly don't remember the time frame. Thanks!

My SSDI form had a place to list all recent appointments and then a comment section where I explained that my therapist was on medical leave and my psychiatrist cancelled on me, changing my usual routine appointments. But I can't remember if I filled out all of the top lines. I know I used my calendar to be sure I was accurate and I know I got my pdoc appointment on there but I can't remember if I went back through all of August or July if I had enough lines.


This is agitating me. I still haven't slept and I've had all the PRNs I should take (I can have more gabapentin but it's not ideal). It's now 6 AM. I feel like I should just get up but I've taken so much medication that eventually I'm going to crash. I can't spend the next month freaked out about this. Somehow I have to make peace with not knowing for sure that I filled the form out fully. I'm 95% sure I did but the 5% is powerful.

@BeyondtheRainbowI know it is awful not being able to sleep. Is the anxiety over the SSDI form keeping you up? Can calling your pdoc's receptionist or having them print out a form of your past appts help with filling out that portion of your SSDI form? Have you taken your prn Seroquel? 12.5 mg is a TINY dose. Heck, you could take 25 mg and that is still very small. Not that I'm advising you to take 25 mg without your pdoc's consent. You know, in the past, my pdoc used to prescribe my 25 mg Seroquel not for sleep but to help with anxiety & panic attacks. It doesn't work as well as a benzo, but it did help some. At night I'm on 300 mg Seroquel & that usually knocks me out a good 8 hr. unless I'm manic. Seroquel + trazodone is the best formula I've found for sleep. Are you on a med that usually makes you sleepy? What is your dose of gabapentin? I'm on gabapentin too and it doesn't do a thing to help me sleep. Have you gone awhile without good sleep or is it just last night (sorry, I can't remember)? When do you next see your pdoc?

I'm speeded up a bit this morning. I hope it's just having coffee.

I’m soooo bored. Had a pdoc appointment, but she scheduled a clinic appointment for me because apparently my finger is probably dislocated. I didn’t want to go home and back so now I’m just chilling at the park. Nobody is here! I’m in a sociable mood, but no one is picking up the phone or answering texts or even at the park (I know it’s Friday and people are working or they don’t come because their kids are in school, but still, there are a lot of self employed people or people that don’t do a typical 9-5 schedule here). I did head to the dollar store and talk to my cashier buddy, almost his break though and I’ll let him spend those 10 minutes peeing and having a snack.

Hi to all, I'm so much depressed!

"Never forget to structure your days! Be responsible: Paddle your own canoe in all circumstances!!"


So maybe I have to follow my own advice from the signature: "Structure my days and paddle my own canoe in all circumstances".

I think I have all the depression symptoms in "the book". I came here after feeling despair and hopelessness! It helps me to see that I have to do something.


I will go to the grocery shop. Take it easy after that and then plan my day for tomorrow! Structure, structure, structure ...

Good morning, I took a shower. Now am trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day. Probably gonna be a relax and play games day for me. I don’t really have the energy to get on the treadmill or practice violin. I’m taking a little bit of a break because I need to slow down, I was overwhelming myself with my excessive to do lists every single day.

I may have been a bit hypomanic the past few days. With the lack of sleep. The psychosis from lack of sleep. The overspending. The ridiculous amounts of energy, and not being able to slow down mentally.

I finally got my haircut. I really needed to get it cut. I last got it cut about 2 months ago, and I was starting to grow a mini mullet and my facial hair was out of control. We got there about 8 minutes before they opened. Some guy was being all passive aggresive and got out of his car and was waiting outside and tried to get in early. My mom and I just waited in the car until they opened. They had 2 stylist working so I didn't have to wait. The lady was nice and she did a really good job. I don't look like Elliot Page, I just look like a regular guy. Maybe not a 31 year old guy, but I do pass even if I do look a bit like a weenie.

I also feel a lot better physically I did have to drastically redo my diet. I had to cut out soda, fast food, pizza, and I can only drink one glass of iced coffee a day. I did fill out the form for my pdoc and I'm picking one up for my GI doc in a bit so they can talk about stomach meds vs psych meds.

But my anxiety is ok and I guess I feel fine about therapy. Although I hope she likes my haircut.

@Blue_Bird How did you sleep last night? Definitely it sounds like you were hypomanic doing a TON of stuff daily and if you were overspending too. I know if I start having bad sleep, I get manic and if I don't get it under control quickly, I get psychotic, and that is really scary for me b/c I have blackouts that last days with just flashes of things lasting a few seconds here & there and I always end up in the psych hospital.

@Rosi700 I'm sorry you are struggling so much. My concentration is the pits; I can't remember, have you seen your pdoc recently?

Took two ambien, was cold last night had the window cracked and my blanket on. I slept sooo goood.

Today is another drive to Rochester, hopefully the last dental appointment for a while. . Then I’m going to the dealership to ask how to do certain things on my car. Then maybe stop at my sisters, then home. Ohhh I’m nervous about all that driving.

I slept 2 hours last night then took an hour and a half nap this morning, so a total of 3 1/2 hours sleep