Bipolar Check-in #82

It's a very long day of traveling tomorrow for me. I have to get up at 4am, pack, and then drive for 2 hours.

After that, I need to return the rental car, get to the airport, take a 5 hour flight, go through customs, and finally get home by about 8pm. Long day.

I hope things go smoothly. They didn't go so well on the trip in, some really wild things happened and I really don't want a repeat.

My depression is still doing its thing so I'm feeling low, but I'm hanging on. This too shall pass.

I did have a chance to get into a really deep thought place. I focused on how I was feeling and for an hour, just let my thoughts pass by without feeding them. My mind eventually became much quieter and my body felt like jello.

I really want my therapists attention. I know theres the whole dress to impress thing. I could legit use a haircut too. I don't really need to do anything, I already have a lot going on that will get her attention.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. Why I sleep so much and have all these strong feelings all of a sudden.



My mom says I'm depressed.

It's 4:15 and I'm still awake. I know that I'll get to sleep eventually but I hate this. I hate this time of night. I hate the anxiety to get to sleep before daylight. I hate the fear that I won't sleep at all (I will, even if it is in the morning) because that certainly has happened but not when I was on these meds.


I don't know why I'm still so anxious. I thought it would go down when my therapist came back. It did some but I'm still quite anxious and still taking PRN Seroquel (just 12.5 mg twice a day) most days. Of course now it may be because of my SSDI review. I took that to the post office today so I've done everything I can. I just hated that I was filling it out without my normal amount of therapist of pdoc visits. i put a note on the form that explained my therapist who I usually see weekly had been on medical leave and my psychiatrist who I see monthly had cancelled on me so the form was representative of normal but who knows if they'll accept that.

Does anyone remember how quickly they heard back? I don't even remember my last review apparently so I certainly don't remember the time frame. Thanks!

My SSDI form had a place to list all recent appointments and then a comment section where I explained that my therapist was on medical leave and my psychiatrist cancelled on me, changing my usual routine appointments. But I can't remember if I filled out all of the top lines. I know I used my calendar to be sure I was accurate and I know I got my pdoc appointment on there but I can't remember if I went back through all of August or July if I had enough lines.


This is agitating me. I still haven't slept and I've had all the PRNs I should take (I can have more gabapentin but it's not ideal). It's now 6 AM. I feel like I should just get up but I've taken so much medication that eventually I'm going to crash. I can't spend the next month freaked out about this. Somehow I have to make peace with not knowing for sure that I filled the form out fully. I'm 95% sure I did but the 5% is powerful.

@BeyondtheRainbowI know it is awful not being able to sleep. Is the anxiety over the SSDI form keeping you up? Can calling your pdoc's receptionist or having them print out a form of your past appts help with filling out that portion of your SSDI form? Have you taken your prn Seroquel? 12.5 mg is a TINY dose. Heck, you could take 25 mg and that is still very small. Not that I'm advising you to take 25 mg without your pdoc's consent. You know, in the past, my pdoc used to prescribe my 25 mg Seroquel not for sleep but to help with anxiety & panic attacks. It doesn't work as well as a benzo, but it did help some. At night I'm on 300 mg Seroquel & that usually knocks me out a good 8 hr. unless I'm manic. Seroquel + trazodone is the best formula I've found for sleep. Are you on a med that usually makes you sleepy? What is your dose of gabapentin? I'm on gabapentin too and it doesn't do a thing to help me sleep. Have you gone awhile without good sleep or is it just last night (sorry, I can't remember)? When do you next see your pdoc?

I'm speeded up a bit this morning. I hope it's just having coffee.

I’m soooo bored. Had a pdoc appointment, but she scheduled a clinic appointment for me because apparently my finger is probably dislocated. I didn’t want to go home and back so now I’m just chilling at the park. Nobody is here! I’m in a sociable mood, but no one is picking up the phone or answering texts or even at the park (I know it’s Friday and people are working or they don’t come because their kids are in school, but still, there are a lot of self employed people or people that don’t do a typical 9-5 schedule here). I did head to the dollar store and talk to my cashier buddy, almost his break though and I’ll let him spend those 10 minutes peeing and having a snack.

Hi to all, I'm so much depressed!

"Never forget to structure your days! Be responsible: Paddle your own canoe in all circumstances!!"


So maybe I have to follow my own advice from the signature: "Structure my days and paddle my own canoe in all circumstances".

I think I have all the depression symptoms in "the book". I came here after feeling despair and hopelessness! It helps me to see that I have to do something.


I will go to the grocery shop. Take it easy after that and then plan my day for tomorrow! Structure, structure, structure ...

Good morning, I took a shower. Now am trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day. Probably gonna be a relax and play games day for me. I don’t really have the energy to get on the treadmill or practice violin. I’m taking a little bit of a break because I need to slow down, I was overwhelming myself with my excessive to do lists every single day.

I may have been a bit hypomanic the past few days. With the lack of sleep. The psychosis from lack of sleep. The overspending. The ridiculous amounts of energy, and not being able to slow down mentally.

I finally got my haircut. I really needed to get it cut. I last got it cut about 2 months ago, and I was starting to grow a mini mullet and my facial hair was out of control. We got there about 8 minutes before they opened. Some guy was being all passive aggresive and got out of his car and was waiting outside and tried to get in early. My mom and I just waited in the car until they opened. They had 2 stylist working so I didn't have to wait. The lady was nice and she did a really good job. I don't look like Elliot Page, I just look like a regular guy. Maybe not a 31 year old guy, but I do pass even if I do look a bit like a weenie.

I also feel a lot better physically I did have to drastically redo my diet. I had to cut out soda, fast food, pizza, and I can only drink one glass of iced coffee a day. I did fill out the form for my pdoc and I'm picking one up for my GI doc in a bit so they can talk about stomach meds vs psych meds.

But my anxiety is ok and I guess I feel fine about therapy. Although I hope she likes my haircut.

@Blue_Bird How did you sleep last night? Definitely it sounds like you were hypomanic doing a TON of stuff daily and if you were overspending too. I know if I start having bad sleep, I get manic and if I don't get it under control quickly, I get psychotic, and that is really scary for me b/c I have blackouts that last days with just flashes of things lasting a few seconds here & there and I always end up in the psych hospital.

@Rosi700 I'm sorry you are struggling so much. My concentration is the pits; I can't remember, have you seen your pdoc recently?

Took two ambien, was cold last night had the window cracked and my blanket on. I slept sooo goood.

Today is another drive to Rochester, hopefully the last dental appointment for a while. . Then I’m going to the dealership to ask how to do certain things on my car. Then maybe stop at my sisters, then home. Ohhh I’m nervous about all that driving.

I slept 2 hours last night then took an hour and a half nap this morning, so a total of 3 1/2 hours sleep

So about 1/2 of my trip is done - long drive, returned the car, and finished security. Mostly uneventful, which is good.

I slept in the airport for about 30 min because I was so tired.

Now a 4 hour flight, customs, and find drive back home.

I had a good trip, made some new friends, and captured amazing pictures. I also learned what 110 degrees feels like

I’m at Pdoc office waiting room. So scare. What if Satan attacks me through him?

Just an emotional couple of days - I don't talk to my best friend anymore because when my dad was having surgery, she decided that being with her boyfriend was more important even though she promised she was coming to be there for me, and meet my mom. I was so pissed, I just cut her off. I don't need to have a friend that doesn't value me, eff that.

Just really angry and not grateful for anything even though so many wonderful things are happening the next few days. I have to really get my mind straight that I have a lot of freedom and my life is so much better than it was a few years ago. As far as everyone was talking about working again when you're struggling with mental health - I know it all too well - I wasn't able to hold down a job for years, until I went to jail and became homeless. Two and half years of that really shook me into reality, and I won't say it cured me of being bipolar - but it certainly changed things for me both mentally and physically.

I empathize with you all though, I know how hard it can be - definitely don't recommend putting yourselves through anything extreme but for some reason after going through all that I did, it changed my mental health condition forever. I still have horrible days, yes, but they are further apart than the good ones.

I hope all of you have a fantastic weekend ahead - there are two hurricanes brewing off the coast, hopefully they don't set their sights on us this weekend.

I got my second migraine of the week. Kinda unsure now whats going on. Kinda concerned just because I seem to have a slight change in behavior and I've been taking long naps.

Ugh. SO anxious. 😟 I only drink coffee once a week and it's when my therapist and I go to the coffee shop together for my appointment and each time I regret it afterwards because coffee makes me so damm anxious! I even took my prn Seroquel and had a nap, and I just ate some vegetables and am chilling in the bedroom listening to Sleep Token trying to calm down. Jesus Christ. That latte was poison! I knew I should have just gotten a diet coke this week.

We talked about my appointment Monday and mostly about the sertraline side effects I've been experiencing, and we decided we're going to ask scary psychiatrist lady about latuda.

People who have or are on latuda, what was or is your experience with it? I guess I wouldn't mind tapering off seroquel. I'd probably lose weight. That would be nice. I don't know though. We'll just see what scary psychiatrist has to say.

I'm really uncomfortable talking to her about my sexual dysfunction on sertraline, but my therapist assured me that it's nothing she hasn't heard before, so it's fine.

I'm so anxious about this appointment!!! 😫 I think I'm going to have anxiety diarrhea just thinking about it (of course, I'm already anxious from the latte I drank at 9AM!!!!).