Living in constant fear

June08 · Sep 28, 2024 at 10:38 PM

Does anyone else struggle with living in constant fear of your bipolar diagnosis?

One way this comes out for me is, every night, I take stuff into my room to have in case it messes with my sleep. I'm fortunate that since starting meds, even when manic, I usually sleep and yet I feel like I have to bring stuff to my room just in case. I take stuff to my room so my roommate wouldn't know I was up in the middle of the night.

But, I'm also constantly terrified of the SI thoughts I get (whether I'm struggling with them at the moment or not) and that one day I will have symptoms that are so bad people will find out that I have bipolar disorder. In my mind, if that happens, my life will be completely destroyed. This fear is bad enough that, in my mind, hospitalization can never happen because then people would know so, no matter what, I'm going to have to manage with nothing but pdoc and counselor help (if it ever gets to that point).

I think I fear people finding out and SI thoughts most of all.

Nammu · Sep 28, 2024 at 10:46 PM

That sounds like catastrophizing, a disadvantaged coping method. It’s not part of bipolar but a coping mechanism that can be unlearned with cognitive behavioral therapy.

Blueberrybook · Sep 29, 2024 at 02:20 PM

I did have this fear...until my first hospitalization happened...after that, it didn't seem to matter to me so much since everyone pretty much already knew after that. Before that, I felt I HAD to be perfect and that included staying out of the psych hospital. I guess I was lucky too in that there were not open beds in the nearest actual psych hospital when I needed to be hospitalized and I was sent more to a sort of halfway house/crisis house sort of place which in retrospect I now realize was quite a huge step up from an actual psych hospital so the whole experience all around wasn't as bad as I had feared.

I still get uncomfortable with the thought of people I don't really know knowing about my bipolar and mental illness, such as H's friends or work acquaintances, but H tends to be of the view that he's not going to lie or be secretive about it and often does tell these people. Which really, I don't even know why I care since most of these people I haven't even met in person at all, but IDK, it still does have a way of making me feel ashamed about it. Ugh.

Victoria'smom · Sep 29, 2024 at 06:10 PM

I'm quite, it's easy to tell something is wrong with me because I have flat affect.

June08 · Sep 29, 2024 at 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Before that, I felt I HAD to be perfect and that included staying out of the psych hospital.

This! This is exactly how I feel.

Tart Cherry Jam · Oct 06, 2024 at 12:19 AM

June, it does not appear to be a fear of the bp dx per se. It is a fear of being found out.

Is your roommate your friend or essentially a complete stranger?

raspberrytorte · Oct 06, 2024 at 09:57 AM

Nah. Everyone knows I'm crazy 🤪, including my daughter's friends because she shared with them my diagnosis and people my husband works with because my husband shared it. And the first time I overdosed my friends drove me to the ER. The news has spread like wildfire!

June08 · Oct 06, 2024 at 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

June, it does not appear to be a fear of the bp dx per se. It is a fear of being found out.

Is your roommate your friend or essentially a complete stranger?

My roommate started out as a random person but I consider her a friend now. She knows I see a psychiatrist and counselor, she just doesn't know all of the reasons why.

Tart Cherry Jam · Oct 06, 2024 at 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June08

My roommate started out as a random person but I consider her a friend now. She knows I see a psychiatrist and counselor, she just doesn't know all of the reasons why.

Is she herself mentally well? I used to live with a roommate who, it turned out when we did a mutual sharing, had an MDD. It was so much easier, such a relief, not to hide from him anymore. I now live alone but he is still a dear friend of mine.

But if your roommate is herself well, then I won't necessarily recommend this approach of simply sharing and unburdening yourself.

June08 · Oct 07, 2024 at 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Is she herself mentally well? I used to live with a roommate who, it turned out when we did a mutual sharing, had an MDD. It was so much easier, such a relief, not to hide from him anymore. I now live alone but he is still a dear friend of mine.

But if your roommate is herself well, then I won't necessarily recommend this approach of simply sharing and unburdening yourself.

She has her own mental health struggles too, including anxiety and ocd (maybe depression too?). She does't talk much about it, but she has been to counseling and pdocs on and off since I moved in with her three years ago.\

I'm glad you had a positive roommate experience with your friend!

MuddyBoots · Oct 08, 2024 at 08:36 AM

I was the last to know I was bipolar when I got diagnosed haha. I ended up telling a close friend after and she said she already knew that, and that exact scenario has happened more than once after. So, no, not super afraid of people finding out. I've been known to dabble with substances too, so I kinda prefer explaining things with a legal crazy than all the bs that comes with "ay, Sammy's on meth again! We can [too triggering to post] and she'll never tell because that'll mean ratting herself out!"

but I do understand how someone could have that fear, and I don't blame you at all for wanting to hide stuff from your roommate. If she has struggles too, though, that could be something you could put your toes in the water with and kinda feel out for yourself if you really do have to hide, and she'll probably feel more comfortable around you with mental health too if it all goes well. If she's been in and out of treatment, chances are she's not one of those "fix depression by mooning the sun" people, so you already have an advantage there.

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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 15,318 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,636 hugs given	Sep 29, 2024 at 06:10 PM #4 I'm quite, it's easy to tell something is wrong with me because I have flat affect. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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