Manic?

I’ve been using the cream but the whole area burns! Even in the shower with plain water.

I finally see Pdoc later this morning. I feel calmer. I slept from 5 pm to 9 pm, texted with my therapist friend and finally slept from 9 pm to 5:30 am. I hope I can stay on the Vraylar 1.5. I feel good on it. Evened out good not mania good. The mania from at its worst on Sunday has calmed way down now that it’s Wednesday.

My long time friend Peter died. Just heard. The person who told me was crying and hugging me but I feel indifferent or emotionless. This makes me feel cold hearted.Am I numbed by the meds? I cried recently about something! Last night.

Psych nurse put me on gabapentin. I'm running out of meds I can take. We had an hour appointment! Mostly looking for meds I can take. Used the genesite info! Looking for meds I can take. We are keeping Vraylar 1.5 and she refilled a few others. I pick up my new med packs tomorrow. She said if this med doesn't work my next option is electro convulsive therapy! That surprised me. Im pretty much out of meds I can take. Too many bad side effects- urinary retention is one that a lot of meds seem to have as a side effect. My mother is not supportive. She thinks all I need is a new therapist. They are still looking for one for me. Case manager is going to file the report on my ex therapist that was so terrible. My psych nurse was floored when I told her that she said trauma causes hallucinations! She immediately explained what your brain does when you hallucinate but now I forget exactly what she said. But her point was made!

Today has been a lot to take in.

Moose, I'm so sorry about your loss. You aren't coldhearted. I'm sure it came as a shock and you'll react more as the shock wears off. The thing about grief is that no response is wrong. There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. Being manic won't help you focus on your feelings. You'll get there, whatever there means for you.

I'm sorry

I talked with a couple friends about the friend that died. Calm conversation about him. I just don’t feel sad. That’s weird isn’t it?

When the man who was more a dad to me than my own dad died I didn't cry. I'm not sure I've ever cried about his loss and it's been 4 years soon. I was sad at times but preferred (and still do) to talk about funny things he said and did and just who he was. I loved him, still do, but that's just not how grief has been for me. I'm not sure I've ever been through grief where it was just a lot of crying and sadness. I remember when my grandma died we were at the visitation and this sweet old lady from church said "I made sure I got purple flowers for Eleanor. I know how much she loved purple". My grandma HATED purple and we had all wondered who sent such a weird arrangement. After the viewing was over all the cousins walked back to her house and we were laughing so hard you'd never believe we were coming from a viewing or anything sad.


So no, I don't think it's weird. Everyone grieves differently. Don't add guilt to the grief.

Ok well I’m chalking it up to my extra long med review this morning which told me if this current set of meds doesn’t work I’ll have to do ECT. That scares me.

That makes sense too.

Is it possible to get a 2nd opinion from a pdoc at UM before undergoing ECT or before you have to make that decision? I know that going to a big hospital has opened up some options for me I wouldn't have had otherwise. I just know that if there were one more med or combination option that might not have been considered (and it does sound like your NP has tried really hard to find that out) I'd want to know. Even at the big hospital when things got really bad my pdoc consulted 2 other pdocs to see if they had any ideas before I had to do ECT. Which someone did and while their suggestion didn't work out it led us to clozapine which has worked and I've avoided ECT after all.

Good! I can’t take clozapine unfortunately.

So far Gabapentin plus Vraylar 1.5 is working out. I took too long of a nap and now there’s nothing to do. Been petting the cat which she loves. I did the dishes. I still got up early and went to Panera. N3 and his gf showed up. Still no acceptance email! Could take into December to hear. So N3 says.

Second dose knocked me out! I fell asleep while texting a friend!

All that manic charging made my credit card balance high and I just got a notice that my credit score’s gone down!

Is guilt related to anxiety? I can’t figure out which I’m feeling. The gabapentin is supposed to take care of the anxiety but it’s a long time till bedtime.

What do you feel guilty about, Moose? I'm not sure if guilt and anxiety are related. When I'm anxious I normally don't feel guilty, and when I'm guilty I'm not usually anxious, but I'm sure it's different for everyone.

I don’t know! I just took a very long nap. Hope I can sleep tonight. I don’t feel guilty anymore. I think I’m still catching up from being manic.

Took my meds at 8 and meant to take the gabapentin out of the blister pack to take later so I could be awake when Caleb called. Well I took all the pills in the blister pack without thinking. Caleb called at 8:45 and I was well and truly zonked/sedated. Long nap didn’t hurt my sleep at all. Waiting for Caleb to call back. He went out for breakfast like he always does on the weekends but found a brand new place so I think that’s where he is.

Peter’s memorial service is at his church about 20/30 minutes from here this coming Saturday. I’m ambivalent about going. He was often not nice to me then he’d turn around and buy me things like bedding, a cd/dvd player and a diamond ring. Unfortunately I don’t have the ring anymore. I pawned it when I was mad at him. Wish I still had it now but it reminded me of the mean things he used to do. Even Caleb commented on how he wasn’t kind to me. Odd thing is he used to profess his love to me and complain that I didn’t feel the same. We were better as starbucks friends.

I got my bipolar study money in the mail today. It’s going into my account and straight onto my visa that I racked up during my episode.

I'm sorry, but "bipolar study money to pay off debt from mania" is perfect