Bipolar Check-in #83

Damn it. I just made the mistake of looking back at old pictures of myself on Facebook. Now I'm going to start bawling. I'm so fcking OLD looking now and FAT.

😭😭😭😭

I hate getting old. It makes me cry. I'm haggard. I'm HIDEOUS.

Another night of crappy sleep. I finally fell asleep at 2 and woke at 3:55 with another nightmare. Now I'm awake and trying to relax enough to go back to sleep.


If anyone ever doubts that my cat is an ESA as soon as I came back from the bathroom after I woke up she came and curled up on my lap and is sleeping deeply there, making sure I'm taken care of and loved.

Do you take the Lamictal twice a day or just once? I found it easier on lamictal to take it in 2 doses, 1 in the morning, one at night. I'm on 200 mg in the AM and 200 mg in the PM.

@HALLIEBETH87
I'm so sorry about your cat. The exact same thing happened to one of our cats last December, kidney issues & we had to put her to sleep unexpectedly at the vet visit when we just thought she was sick and would get some medication and be OK. It was really hard. Losing a pet is like losing a member of your family.

@Blue_Bird
I am on propranolol for anxiety, have been for quite awhile. It helps a little though definitely not as much as a benzo. I also have prn hydroxyzine for anxiety, and that helps more than propranolol, still not as much as a benzo but makes me sleepier than klonopin did. I hope you get something to help.

Can you ask your pdoc for something to help with sleep at least temorarily? Not being able to sleep is tough.

Cats are the best

@raspberrytorte
I'm sorry. Old pictures make me feel that way too. I was SOO skinny especially when I was breastfeeding, absolutely could not keep weight on. Now I look at those pictures and wish I were back there (though logically I know I was too skinny then). Getting older is rough. Every day I look it in the mirror, it seems I have more and more gray hair. I guess the only positive is that I am blond and gray shows up a bit less with blond hair. But still...sigh. And OMG, I saw a wedding picture of me the other day. I was skinnier but not too skinny, had a lot fewer wrinkles and back then, not to brag but I looked a so much like a young Grace Kelly in those pics. Ugh. I miss those days.

I'm going to the dermatologist today, and I'm anxious about that. I haven't been since before the pandemic. Because of my coloring, she always finds moles to remove & biopsy. I know I have one, in a bit uncomfortable space that makes me nervous and moles change so slowly I can't tell if it's changed or not. But it's one of those flat ones, larger than a pencil eraser with a blurry circumference, definitely one of those to make me nervous.

@Blueberrybook

I take 150mg in the AM and 150mg in the PM.

I think I'm having a midlife crisis or something because around midnight last night found me wail bawling on the kitchen floor about how old I am and my life is half over and I'm hideous and look like I'm 65, with my husband sitting by me and saying, "No you you don't. So what. We'll grow old together!" I don't know what's wrong with me. But I only got three hours of sleep last night and I'm wide awake and can't sleep and just want to start crying again.

My kitty sleeps on the top of my pillow while I’m in bed. I love her!

I slept awful. I wanted to selfharm all night. Why can I just get stable again

My mom just texted. Her cairn terrier, 10, is at the emergency vet on oxygen and getting X-rays. She's had a worsening cough since she got some teeth pulled yesterday. I’m at Panera drinking coffee crying.

I went last night with my family to hear a performance of Mozart's Requiem, featuring the Mendelssohn choir.

The performance was just great. I noticed that my anxiety was pretty high when we arrived, so I allowed myself to get lost in the music and my anxiety reduced.

The music has a very dark tone, and I felt Mozart's desperation to try to finish the composition before he died. But at the same time, the music is very hopeful and forward looking, especially the parts from the choir.

If you're interested, here's a YouTube from another performance which is also very good...

I'm so sorry @HALLIEBETH87! Be kind to yourself and try not to withdraw into yourself too much. Talk about it with your T to help you process your loss.

Well, that dermatologist appt. was a bit more of an ordeal than I'd planned. The dermatologist thought the mole I was suspicious of needed to be biopsied and said she wouldn't be surprised if it came back precancerous and if the margins didn't come back clean, I'd have to go back to the office for an outpatient procedure. Ugh. And the thing was so large, I had to get 3 stitches after she cut it out, so now I have to go back in 2 weeks for the nurse to remove the stitches. I've never needed stitches from the biopsies in the past, and the whole thing made me very faint & slightly queasy, so they made me wait lying down an extra 30 min. I just HATE needles. Now I have to wait on the biopsy results. I have a pounding headache after everything.

My mom is sick too. She had a 103F fever yesterday and was throwing up, and I'm worried about her. She had her chemo port removed in an outpatient procedure earlier in the week, and it's been hurting and infected, and the nurse said the doctor was out sick too and didn't really give my mom advice. My mom took a COVID test and it was negative, but she also could have got a false neg or tested too early. Or she has an infection from the port removal. I wish she'd see a doctor! My grandmother is also sick and needs to see a doctor, but I don't think my mom will be able to take her. Then, my mom fell out of bed last night & hurt her knee & leg too. It is so hard when your parents & grandmother get up in age

I had to leave work
Early bc my tummy is in knots.
Still
Hearing shots

So I've come to the conclusion my care team thinks I'm manic. My husband agrees that I'm not for about a month they haven't wanted me to do anything that builds stress. My t is worried I'm not on any medication while still psychotic but I'm getting use to the voices. Scientist may have found a reason for about half the population that hears things. It looks more physically so I don't know if new medicine will come out. I finally slept. Now tonight I try just the vraylar.

@Blueberrybook I used to be on hydroxyzine a long time ago for anxiety. It was helpful if I’m recalling. That gives me two options then. Honestly the hydroxyzine might be better than the propranolol. I’ll ask my psychiatrist when I see him next Tuesday.

I slept okay. 5 hours., tossed and turned a lot. I took a very short nap too this morning. Which was nice cause I get very tired in the mornings from my meds. It was like drifting off on a cloud.

I got on the treadmill today. I feel like daily exercise is really important for my mental health. I dropped off it for a couple weeks but I’m back to it now and I’m glad. It really helps my mood, my sleep, my anxiety/stress levels, and irritability. It’s very calming, and it’s healthy.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. More EMDR. Hoping to not dissociate on the walk home from there.

Anyway, I feel good. Been journaling a lot. It’s helpful. I have both a digital journal and a physical one. There’s something about the physical act of writing in a journal that can’t be replaced by digital though. It’s more effective for my mental health. Especially when I’m anxious. But I do both cause I like being able to add pictures and videos and stuff from my phone into my digital journaling app, and being able to create tags for my entries so they’re easy to sift through when I’m looking for something in particular.

So yeahhhh, I need to get back to practicing violin. I’m taking a couple months off lessons to catch back up.

@Blue_Bird - There's buspirone (Buspar) for anxiety too. I'm on that also. I'd rate it's effectiveness for me as better than propranolol but not as good as hydroxyzine. Though maybe the buspirone works a bit better long term and the hydroxyzine more for calming intense panic & panic attacks. Ugh, I'm on a lot for anxiety now that I'm on not on clonazepam.

I see t at 4 today. Somehow he had an appt