Bipolar Check-in #83

I am trying to boost my mindfulness by noticing my body and how I'm feeling.

It has only been a few days, but I am starting to notice some patterns. I'm not doing anything about it just yet, just practicing noticing and acknowledging.

My depression is much better than a couple of weeks ago but my anxiety is up now (it was lower when I was more depressed).

I went out with family and friends last night to watch the aurora and after chasing them for a long time, I finally saw them! Got lots of pics (attached)

@Scooter9
What a gorgeous picture! I'm so jealous! You can't see anything like an aurora where I live.

@raspberrytorte How are you doing? I am worried about you too

@Scooter9 that's a great picture! They were beautiful last night, we got lucky that it cleared up. They had pictures of it from as far south as Bedford, NH!

We got a place.

Ughh I knew the post I just typed out would *poof* so I saved it. Except I didn't and just deleted it instead of copying it...

Anyway, I woke up 2 hours before the alarm after having trouble falling asleep, and here's a pic from a gorgeous day of hiking in rainy 40F weather.

@victoriasmom Did you get an accessible apartment? If you did that's wonderful!

we're in phase 2 the last step will be to sign the lease. It's accessable to me right now but not if I ever needed full time wheelchair use. It has a walk in shower, laundry in unit, open kitchen, pool so I can exercise and get stronger next year, fitness classes, a park on property, bus, and community activities so I don't isolate. It also has grocery store within my ability to walk too.

Now we're applying for moving assistance.

@MuddyBoots, that's a great view! Definitely worth the effort to get there.

I wasn't really sick last night. I just had a bad migraine and so I turned off everything and slept for 10 hours straight. I feel fine today although I feel like the migraine is starting to come back. I'm wearing my glasses. I wonder if its a med side effect or some ****.

But I felt badly enough for my mom to finally tell my brother to shut it and stop making so much noise at 11 because I was sleeping and not 100%

Feeling kinda good today. I hated being "that guy" but the slimy finance company we partnered with wouldn't dignify me with a chance to speak, so I did workarounds and has our DMS reach out to higher ups on their end to send the message down to get into contact with me. They are still trying hard to hold onto what they shorted us, but with all the hell I've given them over $200-- I think our chances may be better to get it back this time around. I won't bore you with the total drama saga , but basically I put a deal through (my first deal with them, and in general) to the finance company and my sales rep didnt reach out at all at any point beyond telling me what stipulations the customer needed to give still. What offer we accepted, and the customer, had a specific lender fee -- I made a small mistake in income verification type and they upped the fee (guy was military) by $200 thus shorting our check $200.

So, besides trying to get an exemption to get it back... I was a little upset we didn't find out until we got our check. They told me and showed me in underwriting they can change up to $250 without any notification to us. How slimy is that?

So, i'm just trying to get that money back. We did put down a refundable deposit we are supposed to get back soon... once we do, I think we're done with this company.



I have others to work with that are much better, and even an alternative that im currently trying to onboard with which I'm excited about. I'm kinda glad I had this hiccup early with this company -- it helped me learn the ropes of what to expect, what it means to be cheated, and how things should be done -- what I want and what I DONT want. So, lesson learned. (Also, it is a bit uncommon to have a lender require a deposit to ensure you send deals... that should have been my first red flag, but I'm learning.)

[P.S. if my message isn't making sense-- I should mention I'm a Finance and Insurance Manager at a small independent dealership for used cars my best friend started up. Big transition from my education career, but it's been ride so far!]

I’ve done a few entries in my book for my psychologist (negative events).

Not feeling great today mentally but what’s new.

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up a few times. Ughhhh.

Anxiety in the pit of my stomach this morning.

Did I not just have meditation yesterday?!?!

Heh I did some mindful practice and ended up falling asleep

It was a nice sleep though so I guess I succeeded in a way. It's all good though, I guess it's part of learning to be more mindful. Like a co-worker once said, "baby steps".

I just left a message for my pdoc on sleep stuff. Late in the day on a Friday haha, I’m good.

The lady I left the message with was a little confused as to why sleeping less but having more energy than usual isn’t a good thing in my eye, haha. I know how this goes though. Barely noticeable increases in elevation, and then BAM I’m sprinting up a 60% grade away from camp as darkness is approaching. I went nuts with the cleaning today. A week ago it took all my energy and a nap to do laundry and make lunch and today was like 40x more productive.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. Got in the car, she asked me how I was doing, and I immediately broke into tears. She was like, "Oh my god!!!" She immediately called the nurses and got me into an earlier appointment with scary psychiatrist lady in two weeks. She said she'd talk to the nurses and call me on Monday. She "unofficially" advised me to go back on my previous doses of Lamictal and sertraline. I got home and started crying again. I'd rather deal with mild sexual dysfunction than cry all the time and turn into a moron!

So hopefully now that I'm going back to my previous doses this weekend I'll start feeling back to myself and won't be crying all the time! Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I ordered 6 long sleeve shirts yesterday. 4 came yesterday. 3 black and a white. One red one was supposed to come today and one blue tommorow. But when I opened the package today I found 4 shirts instead of 1. So I have 3 extras. But at least the extras are black.

My headache went away and my stomach is ok. I took my GI med 15 minutes ago and I'm tired, but I've been tired all day. I haven't had any coffee. Just 3 cans of sparkling water with caffeine.

Omg what are the odds I go to a trauma informed ce event and the speaker mentioned a trauma. Thr exact same thing having flashbacks a lot this week

@Victoria'smom that sounds great! I'm glad you'll have a better place to live.

After just 2 more phone calls today (they had to re-send my bloodwork because it had been so long the pharmacy predictably lost it) I have my clozaril in my house!!!!! 3 days before I was going to run out. I am so grateful this finally happened. I've never actually gotten to the day I didn't have any left but I was starting to think this was the time it would happen. I felt like calling my pdoc's office to tell them I wouldn't be calling anymore!

I took my prn klonopin but I’m
Still hearing the sounds and feeling like I’m back at age 16 that day it happened

I'm officially on fall break, which is a four day weekend. It's nice to know I can sleep in on Monday and Tuesday, but I am a little worried about how it will impact my mental health because I don't have much to fill my time with. I have a little schoolwork to do because final grades are due shortly after we get back, but spending a lot of my time doing schoolwork wouldn't help my mental health either. I will also do some cleaning and let myself go to a coffee shop for an hour or two two or three times over break so I get out of the house. It's times like this when it's really hard being single, not knowing many people, and needing to live away from family for the sake of my mental health.

I have IV fluids scheduled for tomorrow. The first two times I went to the clinic, I didn't have to pay. But, I guess my insurance only covers two doses because I am getting charged $150 for tomorrow's appointment...I am going to keep the appointment but, after this, start going to the fancy IV place I was going to before because it's cheaper and the type of IV I got there lasted longer than what I get through my doctor.