Bipolar Check-in #83

Good morning. I slept decently, got 7 hours. It’s not my ideal I tend to do better on like 9 hours but it’s a ton better than nothing. I had to get up early and start getting ready because I have my volunteer shift today with the rescue cats.

I’m enjoying my new earbuds. And tablet.

I’m trying to make more of a night routine so I have an easier time sleeping. Like reading or listening to an audiobook for an hour before bed instead of scrolling on my phone cause that ends up keeping me wide awake.

So far today I took a shower, ate breakfast, took out the trash and took my morning meds and brushed my teeth. Now I’m just enjoying some coffee and music till I have to go get the bus in an hour and a half to get to my volunteer shift.

I printed out a reference pic of a character I’m trying to draw, so I might try to draw a bit later. That’s about all that’s going on today.

I finally caved in and took that new med. Then I was out like a light from 1-7:20. I feel ok right now. I'm not groggy and I'm not having any side effects from it. I told my mom I took it and and that my pdoc was just being a horses ***. She thought that was funny and figured I need something until I can get something else prescribed. I'm going to get some Pepto Bismol capsulses from Walgreens. Those work decently for nausea.

Overall I'm ok today and my energy levels are decent and my anxiety and moods are fine.

Still having racing thoughts. I put away dishes, showered, put away groceries. I still need to have breakfast though my appetite is not really there. Probably because I still didn't exercise today. I don't want to make my pulled groin muscle worse. It may be slightly better today, well after taking Tylenol I seem to have less pain than yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday I can take a short walk around the block.

It’s a beautiful day today. I’ve been outside enjoying some sunshine and fresh air.

I had an appointment with my psychiatric NP. I’ve gone back up in dosage on the Clonazepam. Not only does it help with my generalized anxiety disorder but it takes some of the stress off taking care of an 89 year old woman with pronounced dementia. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mom. It can just get a bit stressful.

I ran into the serotonin syndrome that my NP warned me about. Thoroughly unpleasant. She wanted me to go to the ER. No thank you. I slept most of it off and it was gone in 48 hours. We’ve decreased my AD now. I’m using my sunlamp more frequently instead.

Savoring October - my favorite month. Making fall recipes, using lots of pumpkin flavor and decorating for fall.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

You have to talk with your husband about these things.

My wife used to do the same with ignoring alarms, playing videos etc. It's much better since we talked.

Don't make it confrontational, just start by saying that we need to talk about alarms and videos and take it from there.

Had a good volunteer shift , waiting for the bus to go home now

Had a wonderful sleep, some wild wacky dreams, too. Oh I love dreaming. I did take two ambien. I’ll run out early at this point but I see my pdoc Wednesday. T- 3 countdown. I’m am much less irritable getting better sleep. I still don’t mix with people as much as I once did.

Today is show and refill day. I must say I’m really hungry for pancakes. Maybe I’ll go to the pancake place.

Went to a famous diner with a friend I hadn’t seen for months because she had strep then mono. The food was good but nothing special- I had corned beef hash that had hash browns in it with sunny side up eggs and toast. Edible but not the best ever. Now I’m feeling lonely. Cat next to me. It’s nice to pet her.

Should I get a winter beanie that says FREAK on it or one that has red cat ears and safety pins? I have to pick one. Neither is not an option. Haha. So you can't say neither. I would just get both, but I'm not made of money here.

For reference: I really am a freak (lol) and I have a lot of black clothes (well... ALL black clothes) and a lot of them have red on them and I have black and red bracelets and black and red fingerless wrist warmers.

Husband suggested I take a black marker to the discolored spots on the buttons on my new winter coat.

Having another lazy day. Really need to get my booty in gear and get in the shower and clean the apartment. Say no... TO FLEAS!!! Little bastards. I think we're winning the war. I haven't gotten a flea bite in days. Yay!

Ended up texting my mom back. Sigh. Sent her a picture of daughter and I together, then a pic of all three of us, then a pic of just Husband and I with 💕. She hates my husband. I'm sure that pissed her off. She hasn't responded. She didn't ask how he was doing. Just Daughter and I.

The picture is really funny though because Daughter is so much taller than me (she's 5'5" already and I'm just barely 5'3").

Not inviting my parents over for Daughter's 13th birthday on Thursday. They trigger me so much. I have complete shut down whenever I'm with them, and my mom and Husband's mom would NOT get along. I've disowned myself. I'm sure my parents are blaming everything on my husband, but it's me. I don't want to see them. You trash my husband, the love of my life, the one who has stood by me through everything miraculously enough, my best friend, the father of my child..... FUKK YOU.

I was thinking of getting a hoodie that said
Depressed
Bored
Horny

I need to get my own *** in the shower. I have therapy at 10 tommorow and a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I don't want to take a shower 2 days in a row.

Good on you for not inviting your parents over. The whole "blood is thicker than water" bs is, well, bs.

I'd go for the FREAK beanie myself, by the way (that's really the main thing I wanted to say but I didn't want to quote your whole post to say only that )

Lol.

You should get that hoodie, but only if it's black.

🥰

Still haven't done anything. Complete lack of motivation today. My mom texted me back. Said we should get together sometime. I archived it without responding. DO NOT want to see her. She really fukked me up big time.

TW: at this point I'm putting any election-related politics in a box


I'm kinda wondering if I'm starting to head up or if I'm just adapting to meds and fall and whatnot. I was sleeping an average of 9 hours (although broken, filled with nightmares, and not restful), but over the past few days it's been decreasing a wee bit each night. Last night I got about 6 and I have more energy than when I was sleeping 9. Waking up before the alarm. I spent two hours going through free calc lessons I've found online (I remember a lot which is weird because my last calc course was almost ten years ago of course haven't used since because it's calc and I'm not a STEM employee. Yet I don't remember what I was supposed to be doing right now. I know it's prepping for whatever my mom really wanted for dinner, and she's peeling potatoes, but I know if I ask her anything without tip toeing I'm going to get yelled at for not knowing/remembering and right now I just don't feel like I can account for tact in oral communication right now.). I also went to the library earlier and took out A Tree Grows in Brooklyn as per my IP NP's recommendation. I know it's kind of a "must read/watch" book/movie, but I have never read nor seen it. I had no clue what it was about but I read the back of it and I'm starting to notice patterns in these books she recommended me Cyborg that develops trauma, half Native American being shunned everywhere she go and seeing shyt go down, and now this crap. (It's not crap, I've enjoyed everything she's had me read so far, but I hate that her recommendations have sorta this theme).

I'll probably post later but I think even now I'm getting the anger for not doing anything so...

Thanks 😊 lol

I wish I could show pictures of the beanies on here. I want them both! I showed pictures to Daughter and she said I should go with the cat one. I'm going to text some more peoples and see what they think.

I feel pretty good today. I'm tired though. I'm gonna let myself sleep in tomorrow because I have nothing going on tomorrow. I need to clean but that's it really. And that shouldn't take longer than an hour and a half, 2 hours tops. I need to start getting back on the treadmill. I took like a week or so off it because I wasn't sleeping and wasn't doing well mentally. But I'm doing better now and ready to get back to it. Also gotta start practicing violin again. I'm taking a few months off lessons. Resuming them in February. I need the next couple months to catch back up on my practice.

Friday I have a therapy appointment and we're gonna do more EMDR I guess. Saturday I'm walking down to that Italian bakery/cafe and treating myself to a caramel macchiato with the leftover money on that gift card I won.

I need to buy a Christmas tree soon. And new shoes. I've had my current sneakers over a year now. Definitely need some new ones these are getting really worn out because I walk everywhere for the most part.

Muddy - a tree grows is about cream in your coffee.

I wonder if I need an ultrasound. This **** isnt getting better and I've heard ultrasounds show different things then endoscopys. I don't get how this much pain and other stuff is normal. I'm starting to get my 3rd migraine this week.

Now I have these like really bad stomach pains.

Idk. Maybe its just nerves about the anniversary of October 7th and the new hurricane.

Finally caved and took a prn hydroxyzine which helped my thoughts calm enough that I could finally settle down to read. Thank God. I need to try not to have coffee in the the morning or to drink the decaf stuff. But it's hard.

Raspberry,….get the cat one! Not that I’m partial to cats or anything! lol.

im finally sleeping on haldol but tody i was all over the map crying about everything. any one have any ideas of why i might be doing this?

I told my friend I have a friend with benefits earlier and now he’s not responding to me. Eh probably my imagination as he’s married.

I've noticed that a no reply can also mean an acknowledgement.

Sometimes things are so clear or blunt that there isn't really much to reply to. Sometimes I say that when I watch horror movies too, when someone yells "helloooo??", like, what did you expect 🤣

Yeah. I asked one of my friends who is also a cat lover, and she told me to go with the cat one. Lol. Husband said both, which isn't very helpful. Maybe I will just get both, though I really don't NEED two winter hats.

I hate making such decisions!!! Fukk!!

The cat one IS super cute though.

@raspberrytorte if it helps....another vote for the cat hat. Which is probably not surprising since I'll talk about my Abbycat to anyone who will listen so I'm sure she's come up on here a time or two

Things have been really crazy, and now I am not sleeping and getting headaches. Cutting my best friend out of my life hurt A LOT more than I thought it would. I have such bad anger issues, and I do lash out at people if I feel I was wronged - have done it in the past and lost good friends because of it too, you would think I would learn. *Shrugs* Anyway, it is affecting me a lot, my heart feels broken, even though she is the one who wronged me, but I feel I should have handled it better.

Yesterday was completely nuts. Went to work in Raleigh, then checked into a hotel downtown, (it was so nice but I didn't get to enjoy it because I was hardly there) - I stayed overnight because my friend was getting an award for her service work in recovery and helping women in the justice system - I was there to support her and got her a gift - It was a big banquet/benefit/fundraiser - pretty fancy, but I was feeling unsatisfied and very on edge. I don't like driving at night especially downtown, it feels too much like Manhattan, and what do you know, a crazy driver almost hit me not once but TWICE! It was Saturday night so I am figuring some kind of impairment was involved, but scary, nonetheless. Had to have my wits about me and practice all that defensive driving I learned from living among all those crazy drivers in NYC, lol.

I haven't been sleeping either. Every night I am being woken up at around 3-4am and can't go back to sleep, even with my CPAP. It's really bad. I need to do something, maybe have a conversation with my pdoc. Mood is up and down, but I think that's due to the lack of sleep.

@raspberrytorte - I am going to jump on the CAT HAT bandwagon - I think it would be so cute on you - @Blueberrybook - hydroxyzine does wonders for me with the racing thoughts, maybe you should take it a little more often if it helps, I am sorry that you've been struggling with it.

I really miss posting more often, but I haven't really been home the past two weekends - life is busy, which is a blessing, but sometimes I think I just need rest.

Big hugs to those who need one today.