Bipolar Check-in #83

Thanks for the responses guys, @Nammu - I am definitely calling the pdoc - you've known me for years and all I've gone through; things have gotten so much better, but they can get real bad real fast if I don't watch it. Thanks for reminding me of that, I love you.

@Rosi700 - so sorry you're struggling, self-blame IS the worst - my diabetic medications did mess with the Lithium when I was on it, kind of threw me off balance for a while, so you may be on to something there - try to reach out to your doctor and see what they say. You know I love routines and they make everything better! Hope you get into some soon

@raspberrytorte - I know how hard it is with a toxic family member - I have distanced myself from most of my family over the years, I can understand your reaction to your mom reaching out now. It's kind of how I felt about my ex mother-in-law always calling me and telling me about my ex, it would always leave me distraught and disturbed after talking to her. I blocked her and I feel a lot better, not telling you to block your own mom, but you may have to cut communication if you feel that bad about it, and your hubby notices.

Trying to get some work done today - I did manage 5 1/2 hours sleep - much better than 3 but still bad. I hope everyone has a great Monday!

raspberry, I feel for you. I'm not sure about the legal end of your situation at all, but I hadn't talked to my dad in a while when he died (no one I kept in contact with had) and I didn't even find out until I headed there and the place was all fked up and some dude he used with told me what happened. Quite a relief really. I know for me it was good to detach as much physically, mentally, and emotionally as possible the earlier the better.

Got some sleep but feel like I’m drunk. Ahh. Fudge. Be good if pdoc was today, he’d see what’s wrong, no need to say a word.

Hi and THANKS for caring! I feel so down that it feels impossible to describe. Kids grown up, not living close to me. I have struggled with SI thoughts for weeks now, and only see vague hopes for my future.

But I got an idea! I think it is possible to make some sort of a map where I map what I want at different areas in my life. What is possible and what is not possible? How often is it possible for my family to visit me. If it is not possible for them to see me more often, may be I have to move to feel that I have a value.

The word value is the important on here. One get kids, raise them and so one day they are out of the nest to work with attractive jobs of their own interest while their mother sits alone as an used and drained potato. (If you ever have seen a mother-potato) it has scrumped into almost nothing in the earth, when new good potatoes from the mother plant are "blooming!

As I was driving to my T's office my Gi doctor called. She said my GI doc tracked down my Pdoc on Friday and they went back and forth a lot and my Pdoc finally agreed to let me try the evlail for 7 days. Hes worried I'm going to feel too good on it or something and take more then prescribed. Idk. But I see him today in a bit and I hope hes not pissed at me. Since I didn't actually do anything.

Then I saw my T and I talked to her about feeling jealous last week. At first she had no idea what client I was talking about. Then she figured it out and said she shouldn't have been talking about her other clients. We talked about how I've never felt jealous before and I told her that was the day after I took the evail and then passed out for 5 hours after our session. So I told her I thought I was just having an off day.

Anyways, we talked through it. My moods and anxiety have been fine all day. My stomach is a bit upset right now but it could be nerves.

My mom texted with the results of her CT scan. She's developed more nodules on her lungs but the doctor said they're small, they will just keep an eye on them. But it still has me worried because previously she only had one nodule on her lungs, now there a re multiple? I'm trying not to get too worked up about it.

I swear, sometimes I think we live in a day & age where we have too much information.

Hey there @Nammu - I get the hangover feeling with some of the meds I used to take. I didn't see on your other posts, but I thought I see sometimes that you take Ambien? Some of those give that hangover effect or the "drunk" feeling, I used to get that a lot, I feel you. Hope you get some answers from your pdoc.

@Rosi700 - The word VALUE means a whole lot to me too - that was the whole reason for me cutting off my best friend, I no longer felt valued in that relationship, so I had to move on. I love that MAP idea too, I think I need to draw up something like that too of what my goals are and where I want to be in life - things are good and busy, but I have no sense of direction. I have all these things I want to accomplish but absolutely no time to do it. LOVE the idea!

@Mountaindewed - glad you are feeling better and worked things out with your therapist - I have often found that if there are unresolved feelings from sessions it can spill over into your week until you get them worked out - maybe that's why you've had so much anxiety this week until you saw her.

As for me, my anger issues are getting the best of me - just really stressed out with bills this month and overspending. I need to watch it, and not let my manic mind let me spend my rent money, geez.

So now I'm really confused. This was AFTER talking to psychiatrist lady about how sertraline is causing me to have sexual dysfunction. Now I'm starting to think I was just psyching myself out because I didn't stress about it, and it happened. I feel ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER. 😊

Anyway, my appointment went fine. She wanted to put me back on Cymbalta. I was like, "Lady, that stopped working for me!" Luckily I had my therapist to back me up. She ended up cutting my sertraline in half and raising my Lamictal from 200mg to 300mg, which I'm not particularly happy about because higher doses of Lamictal turn me into a MORON, like forgetting words, forgetting how to spell words. This is NOT good when you're a writer!

I told her this, but she just said, "You've been on 200mg for a long time. You build up tolerance to side effects."

The second I forget how to spell a simple word I'm telling her I'm NOT taking 300mg! Not to mention higher doses of it make me feel so fukking flat over time it's ridiculous. 😒 Whatever. At least she's not taking me off everything and switching everything around. I am VERY thankful for that!

Thank you scary psychiatrist lady!!! 🙏

Oh, and I spoke with my therapist about my mom. She recommended writing another letter/text to her, expressing my feelings (don't have to send it of course). She said I'm totally not obligated to reply to my mom if I don't feel comfortable doing so. We're going to talk more about it at my appointment on Friday. I'm just so upset I feel like I'm going to start bawling. 😭

I’m on such a roller coaster. I was hoping haldol would help fast but it’s not. Anyone know how fast it helps typically? I am sleeping most of the night though now so yay!

I’m feeling very overwhelmed by life. I just wanna disappear for a bit.

I saw my Pdoc. He knows about the med but claims he never talked to my GI doctor. Idk. Maybe it was his NP who did. He said he is fine with me taking the med and it might help my depression in addtion to the GI stuff but its a high risk med or some shyt so my mom needs to be in control with my history of taking too many meds.

@halliebeth
How long have you been taking the haldol?

Feeling hyper all day. Texting so much! Talking on the phone for hours! I texted my case manager but it may be too late.

I’m still a bit down. Morning here.

I’m going to book an appointment with my psychiatrist next week Wednesday soon. Hopefully see him around mid day. Maybe I just have treatment resistant depression. It’s been months. Lithium and Effexor just not doing what they’re meant to be doing.

I think once I have booked the appointment I’ll go to smiggle and buy a writing book and gel pens. My son has a 6 year olds birthday party this weekend and I have no idea what else to get.

I see my psychologist on Thursday this week. He’s normally quite booked out. I think I caught a cancellation or something. I was lucky.

I have a lady ringing me tomorrow to tell me more about hypnotherapy for anxiety that she does. I’m sceptical because the last time I did hypnosis was for quitting smoking and it didn’t work at the time. I’m now 3 years smoke free. Thanks nicotine gum.

@HALLIEBETH87

For me haldol works almost immediately for my psychotic symptoms, but can take a few weeks to completely bring me down from a mania. At least, that was my experience.

I'm feeling better, not as low as a couple of weeks ago.

Of course there has to be a down side, and that's my anxiety - it's increasing.

But I'm in a better place now...I feel I can cope.

Basically I had to agree to a safety plan and have my mom hold onto the med and only give it to me at the exact same time everyday.

The stuff does work like a benzo. So I can see the issue.

Been in the increased dose since Friday. No more hallucinations but still so irriritable

Had a really good Bible study tonight with my good friend, so things are a bit more in perspective for me. Still feeling irritable somewhat, but I need to "Be Still" as God is always asking me to do. Harder to do that I think, it is difficult with a racing mind.

Glad you had a good time! @raspberrytorte - I know how much having "that" can put us at ease, lol. @Blueberrybook sorry to hear about your mom, hopefully everything gets resolved. I feel like we definitely have way too much information we're exposed to sometimes; it can drive us really crazy. Sorry you are still down @Crazy Hitch - hopefully the hypnosis works, I've personally never tried it, but I know the power of suggestion can really change things for some people. @Mountaindewed - so glad you got some kind of resolution from your pdoc - watch those benzos I agree, they are no joke - coming from a former addict I know how that goes sometimes. @HALLIEBETH87 - I hope the Haldol works for you - I was on it for a very long time, almost 10 years I think; it helped control my manic mind, but it honestly left me feeling flat for a long time too - maybe that's what we need to mellow us out, I don't know.

im not sure i feel "flat'" but certianly not euphoric or happy. i just wanna run away from life

Very, very anxious again today. My PRNs did nothing. I just have struggled all evening. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working well. I don't even know why I'm anxious. I just am. I'm about to take a gabapentin but I'm scared it will make me sleepy in the morning and I need to get up for therapy.

The biggest cause of the anxiety I can pinpoint is that I run out of clozapine in a week. I'm having a hard time getting things coordinated between my pdoc, the pharmacy and the computer system that releases my meds. I have no desire to run out. My pdoc has been out of the office (I'm pretty sure anyway) and tomorrow she works from home and I don't know if she can access what she needs to from there. So tomorrow night I'll call their system and leave a message so they know all day and not just when I wake up that I am running out of time here.

I hate that part of clozaril. It can be so stressful.


But at least my therapist is back and hopefully can talk me through this somehow.

@raspberrytorte I'm sorry your mom treats you that way. I hope the med changes your scary psychiatrist lady gave you work out!

@Rosi700 I'm sorry you're struggling with SI. Hang in there-we're here for you!

@BeyondtheRainbow Sorry to hear you are having such a headache with getting your meds. In this day and age, you shouldn't have to deal with it!

One of my classes really made me laugh today, so that was nice. They all cheered like I had given them a million bucks when I squished a little bug that was on the board. Except for one kid-he pretended to cry his eyes out.

Something at work caused the SI thoughts to sneak back in though. This time around with these thoughts, my faith has been helping me (I usually have some sort of faith crisis every time I experience SI because I don't typically feel God's presence). This time around, I actually feel like He's helping me and is showing me different ways people would miss me if I was gone. I'm trying to hold onto this instead of letting the thoughts spiral.

@HALLIEBETH87

I'd give the haldol a couple more days to bring you further down. Just be patient. I'm sure it'll work.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Anxiety sucks. I hate anxiety. I'd rather be anything than anxious! I hope you get relief soon. I'm happy to hear your therapist is back. I don't know what I would do without mine, even if she IS obsessed with hormones. I'm starting to feel like I rely on her TOO much if I'm being honest. If she wouldn't have been at my appointment today to back me up and bring up things I totally spaced I would have been shyt out of luck. And she's the one who told me about writing another letter to my mom... I didn't even think of doing that again. Going to work on that tomorrow.

...

My husband is getting sick. 😫 Which means I'm going to get sick, and our daughter's thirteenth birthday is on Thursday. Hopefully we're both well by Thursday. I'm so excited for her birthday! Her cake is going to be AWESOME. Oh, she's going to be so mad... lol. And we got her everything on her birthday list. And next Monday we're going pumpkin picking. REALLY excited for that! Should be fun, and of course Wednesday night is KMFDM. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. Lol.

Scary psychiatrist asked me how much sleep I've been getting and I've consistently been getting, on average, four hours a night 🌙, with an hour long nap in the morning because my morning meds make me a tad sleepy. And she was just like, "WHAT?!" I told her I'm not tired so it's fine.

@June08

Thanks 😊 I just hope the lamictal increase doesn't turn me into a MORON like that dose has done in the past! The minute I forget how to spell something simple like "hoodie" I'm calling and telling her I want to go back down! I texted my hormones obsessed therapist about this afternoon and she told me to just give the med changes a chance, so... we'll see how it goes! Yay!

I guess vraylar isn't for me on week 3 of no meds. My head is killing me, I'm not sleeping, and it's loud.