Psychosis?

Yesterday and today I've had massive brain fog. Last night I was hallucinating but just a little and I knew it wasn't real. Didn't sleep. I'm getting that weird feeling in my head again where my scalp feels like it's someone else's. I'm doing the "look at a speckled pattern and vomit because it's too trippy" thing today too.

I swear this isn't right. I mean, obviously it isn't, but this "psychosis" I've been having on and off since I started Depakote is vastly different than before I was on it. Subtract paranoia and any mood episode aspects and add vomiting, feeling 100% brain dead, having zero appetite, and weird physical sensations.

Sounds like a nightmare to deal with @MuddyBoots. I hope you can get some relief soon.

That's odd. Have you told your psychiatrist? Maybe you need a dosage adjustment or something.

Oh, I forgot I was put on Ritalin at the same time as the depakote. But I've had periods of taking it every day and being fine and periods where I have skipped it and still had stuff like this happen, so that's kinda why it didn't come first to mind.

I just saw my pdoc Monday but before yesterday it hadn't really been bad enough to almost kill me for a couple weeks (yeah, I blanked while driving through an intersection, but luckily it was red for no reason). My valproic acid levels are right in the middle last they were checked so going up would probably just make the brain fog worse and going down has a good chance at adding mood instability. Ughh I hate that Depakote is literally my only option.

@MuddyBoots

Yeah. It does suck depakote is your only option. They put me on that once when I was in the hospital and I literally slept for eight hours a day for two weeks. I forget. Why can't you take Lamictal?

When I was on Lamictal as a monotherapy I was constantly manic and psychotic.

Oh damn. That sucks.

They don't watch me take my noon dose (Ritalin) or night dose (depakote) so I'm just gonna stop the Ritalin and ween off the depakote (it's ER, but split into three pills so it's doable). I'll just puke up my AM doses after they watch me which is gonna suck because my AM meds also include stuff for physical health (pantoprazole, lactulose, vitamin B and D).

I'm gonna tell them how the Depakote is doing nothing for "safety levels" other than switch risk of violence towards family to leaving stoves on, not responding appropriately to emergencies (and I live with a woman with chronic lyme and lung disease), and car accidents.

Compared to when my bipolar was at its worst, this isn't much better. Different beast, yeah, but if I knew I could be off meds and not have to constantly question if tomorrow I'll have the mental energy to check myself from throwing chairs at people who sniffle in a doctor's office, I would.

But ya know? I'm having cramps, and every time I get my period it seems I land in the hospital because its two weeks of wishing I had a sound proof room to live and scream in 24/7, so I probably won't even make it to the stupid freaking info session for my program. I swear, next pdoc appointment I'm going in and telling her I have PMDD (I did tell her a couple months ago that I think my cycle affects my moods way more than it should). I'm not one to self-diagnose in most circumstances, but there is no way there's a coincidence that I was in the psych hospital for all 6 periods I've had in the past two years. I do think I have bipolar independently from that though since I've been in the hospital without these fking hormones going wild, but, I don't know, maybe for those who menstruate there should be a bipolar-specifier that it is exasperated by their cycle. Maybe they're two separate things, but if I didn't have cramps right now I would swear it's 100% mixed episode, and if I didn't think I was bipolar I'd say it's 100% angry reproductive system episode.

I was talking to a friend about it this morning, and you know what she said??? HAVE A BABY!! WHAT THE FUUUUCK?!? I get like $900/mo as income that has a chance at disappearing in the next four years and I live with my mom. Oh, and I'm on an anticonvulsant with a black box warning for causing birth defects. Let's not forget the personality disorder that causes splitting, unstable relationships, and impulsivity. You still think that's a good idea? Would a broke *** addict that doesn't stay with a partner more than 6 months straight and can go from loving someone close to them to hating them over something as simple as how quickly they turned a doorknob who has a higher chance of forming an offspring with a major birth defect or passing on a genetic disorder that makes you want to die be a good candidate for being knocked up? Really? REALLY?!?

I don't even know what my plan is. If I'm in treatment, I can't be in treatment because the treatment keeps me from physically partaking in the treatment. If I'm out of treatment, I'm going to be forced into treatment because that's the stupid nature of mania.

I would advise you not to stop your meds. Your PMDD is likely messing with you. I know it did me. Menopause helped me tremendously. But listening to the PMDD is not helpful. You’ll be worse off if you quit meds. I think you are more frustrating with them doling them out and not giving them to you weekly of monthly and the PMDD is affecting your thinking. You’re finding reasons to rationalize you quitting. Hormones suck man. But don’t let them win.

I almost got into two accidents this week just coming back from morning doses. Keep me incapacitated? Fine. But I’m gonna make them add me to the med run, switch to solely telehealth, and blame them for being constantly suicidal because I never get far enough away from this place. If they don’t agree to that, not taking them.

Oh, and let’s not forget that I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea to put someone with liver damage and isn’t well into her alcoholism recovery on a hepatotoxic drug. That’s probably why I’m throwing up and pissing cola. Do they give a crap? Noooo. My VA levels are average so who cares about the enzyme tests?