[MuddyBoots]

4 10mg pills of PRN valium a day he gave me, and he knows I fking hate taking pills and if I was in a place I was willingly taking 40mg of valium a day without the motivation to "behave to escape" I'd probably be in the same state of mind of needing to go to rehab or the morgue because I'd be mixing it with stuff.

He gave me a PRN IR Adderall too "if you want it in the afternoon or evening, maybe it'll help you sleep."

This makes no fking sense.


Not even on ANY kind of real mood stabilizer/AP/anticonvulsant that actually treats BP (not like there's any that make things better). And I ask "do you even think I'm bipolar" and they say, yeah, definitely.

(I still don't think they should ask you to take your pants off for ECT either)

(I also don't think the beach makes you happy because salt has positive ions. Half of salt is negative ions. Shouldn't it make you feel neutral, or conflicted? Pretty sure "positive" in a physics or chemistry vocabulary has a different meaning than "positive" in a psych field. My fking hepatitis test was positive, that POSITIVE test didn't make me happy. My mom's POSITIVE test for lyme disease doesn't make her happy. Hydrofluoric acid has positive ions, can I inhale that and be happy? Won't have a problem with fking hypercalcemia that's for sure. Fking moron hippie counselors)

The sun is coming up and I haven't slept and pretty much just sent a million messages to random freaking people on how my case manager is a POS imbecile and only someone as desperate as the state to keep costs low and do the bare minimum to attempt to look like they're offering help would keep her as an employee. DHHS sent me a survey and I told them all about how I waste so much time in the lobby and at our meeting spots when people don't show up because they "forget to put it in their schedule" like we've been supposed to meet every fking monday for like ever and there's no way I'm not frustrating enough to be forgettable, that's like forgetting to pull your pants up after you take a dump. She's just shytting her pants and throwing them out the window (I'm her pants) because cleaning fecal matter off of some fabrics is a PITA just like me. I know it. She's encouraging it too. I'm going to save all my really cool stuff for Mondays, and when she calls saying she's outside I'm gonna be like "sorry, forgot it was Monday so I did something that doesn't enrage me and make me have fantasize of felonies and am watching this cool waterfall after yesterday's big rain, here, listen: [sounds of really loud gushing water]. I gotta go, because I want to forget it's Monday again and forget I'm supposed to deal with you and hate everything today." (I know it's Tuesday today, but we couldn't meet yesterday...I was doing BETTER STUFF like getting the **** out of the zoo, except instead of listening to tigers roar someone has to put on the news and we get to listen to someone talk about homicide, rape, the rise of authoritarianism, the downfall of education, etc. etc. which is 100% allowed and appropriate but we can't watch Untold Stories of the ER even though by rating it's not blocked because "it can be triggering to people" (yeah, because listening to some chick explain her brother raping her isn't or watching democracy be threatened isn't or listening to how we may have passed the climate change tipping point already isn't stressful AT FKING ALL.)

I swear to fking God I'm want to light this refrigerator (flammable refrigerant) on fire and get vodka and make smores and make a bigger fire with my flammable vomit. This studio fking sucks, there's like noises and bugs and mice and they're about to turn our hot water off for a week (maybe more), I wish I could've just stayed at the homeless shelter whenever I wanted to and not pay rent for a place I almost never am at because I'M ALWAYS TIED TO A FKING BED IN THE HOSPITAL WHERE AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO PAY 8 QUARTERS EVERY TIME I WANT MORE CLEAN UNDERWEAR AND I'M NOT FORCED TO EVER TAKE A STUPID FKING ELEVATOR and I don't have expectations that get let down that the windows open.

At least I generally have hot water here I guess (and a fking bathroom door that shuts even if I can't lock other people out). Cold showers with low pressure at the hospital.


You know I've heard "I love you" from different psychiatrists more often than I have my father?