[ladygnomes]

Well, I just discovered this forum, and usually for me I don't talk to anyone about my bipolar issues with much of anyone with the exception of my doctor, and my husband. I thought I would share a bit about my expierence through out life having this, and not knowing completely either. Growing up as a kid my father had severe scitzophrenia and I had to live with both him, and my mother all my life, she always supported him even though he was sick on and off, he had treatment at the Va facility, but I was still exsposed to his behaviour which was quite crazy at time, which caused increasingly big arguments with me, he said alot of things while my growing up that were pretty horrible, that I considered mental abuse, which my mother had enough on her plate with him alone. I tried throughout my early childhood years to get some form of help because, at one point as a child I held a knife to my throat just to get him to take me seriously so he would stop his mental tourment towards me, however that didn't work and I got laughed at, as a kid I had rapid thoughts in my mind, and was what I always thought "thinking out loud" but, in reality I was hearing things, I tried to tell myself all this was normal, eventually my father died when I was 14, and 2 weeks later my grandmother died, and 2 months following her death my other grandmother died, she had a heart attack while I was with her in her kitchen and immediately fell dead on me. This was very stressful, and I became increasingly irritated, and basically felt like I was shut down, and away from the world, although I had alot of temptation out of the blue to do things like running for no reason at all, and not because I was a runner, it was like a strange thought that would all of sudden pop in my mind, and I had to do it, shopping, i had to have the best things, and another thing throughout my childhood even when I was as little as I can remember I would always want to do something like get into drawing because, I seen someone do it in elementry school and thought it was neat, then quickly changed to another hobby, then another, and it got so bad I couldn't make up my mind what my real interest's were, I know something had always been wrong with me, and my attempts at school were to try and get some form of guidence and help through counseling the school provided however, when it came down to it and the counseler would call my parent's when I got home, I was yet again put down, yelled at, and sometimes hit because, I was not going on no med's, i didnt need to see a doctor, and my parent's refused the fact I had something wrong with me, and dad didn't want me to have any problems either. When my father died, out of my stupid mistakes I was 14 got caught up smoking pot, which I knew was wrong, and I drank alcohol twice, also knew that was wrong, during that periode I was raped, because I do not even like using the word, this was no short then 2 years after all these people died..Well, due to my mothers state of mind, and how depressed she was I never told her what had happend to me, I locked it up inside and kept it there. From that point on, I started getting even more increasingly irritated, and I could not stop thinking at night, I was completely restless sometimes 24 hours or more, and just rapid thoughts seem to continue even worse, along with my temper. I got in alot of trouble throughout school because of my temper and, after the rape I quit hanging around the girl I smoked pot with, and things and tried to straighten up my life, even though i had a problem I still figured I could handle it, after all I had all those years, I was forbidden any kind of mental help. Eventually, my life turned around and I met a man who I feel inlove with, and he's a police chief, and I felt very safe with him, and because of his psychological education he had from his education for his job, I felt very comfortable to sit and tell him all these problems that have been apart of my life, and thank the lord he had been very understanding and helpful out of the 5 years of marriage with him, I started getting worse when I moved down to north carolina with him, because I had to eventually face all the problems I kept inside from when I lived up in Pa, the deaths, the rape, etc. I started seeing a regular physician about shakeyness and panic like attacks I was having, the shaking would not stop, the increased paranoia of being hurt again, and knowing some day I would have to tell my mother, I had always wanted to, and when I escaped from my home state, into north carolina my life began to change, and I felt like a better person with less problems surrounding me, and more time to get me right. At any rate my Physician said he couldn't officially diagnose this for me, but he thought I had scitzophrenia and I needed help with a mental health doctor, i accepted this and went to the doctor which I was very hessistant to tell him everything about me, just because I had not with anyone but my husband. However, I knew I needed help and accepted that and I just couldn't deal with any of the problems no more, so...I sat there for a couple hours just telling him from as early as I could remember life and these problems and even the most horrible parts of my life I locked away to the world I thought this was a bit necissary considering he was helping me for all these problems I grew sick of, he put me on several different medications for which was for scitzophrenia, and I tried them, which takes alot of willpower to do cause ya get tired of it after awhile, and start to think I think he's using me as some kind of lab expierement, which was quite the opposite, my mother inlaw had passed away and I got even worse on the medication he had me on, extremely depressed rapid thinking and just had a complete break down and went straight to him, I had increased thoughts of suicide after her death and felt like I couldn't handle life at all anymore, which was a bit scarey and I knew at the same time this was not normal I didn't have suicidal thoughts really prior to this, and read about the drug he had me on and that was a side effect so I went back to him, he talked quite a bit with me and thought I should be committed to a hospital for a couple of weeks to be evaluated and watched, I total disagreed with him and pleaded he let my husband be liable for me, which he was very impartial to but none the less let him do it, which meant monitoring me 24/7 and, my husband agreed to this. (I'm glad he did). While I was at my visit my dr prescribed me a medicine by the name of Lamictal, I thought to myself this is just going to be the 8th drug he has put me on, and it's not going to work, boy was I ever wrong! Within two weeks I began to slowly see a big difference with me, for one thing, my temper I didn't really have anymore things didn't bother me like they did before, the rapid thinking went to a hault after awhile, and I actually began to be optomistic about life and was feeling like a completely different person, everything literally had changed with me, with just this one pill, and this mans help, and my trust and willingness with him changed my entire life, I have been on 200mg of Lamictal for approx 1 year, and still haven't had problems like I did before, infact I got so comfortable with opening up that wall I had up before, i told my mother what happend to me 8 years later, I feel like there are no more secrets, I will not lie to you and tell you this has been easy because, it was months until the dr, and I both found the right medication for me, but it has changed my life for the better, I also have a sleeping pill I take at night which helps me sleep, and I take xanax 3 times a day which helps with my shakes in my body and inside I get alittle panic like not because, I'm depressed or irritated I just very excited feeling is the best way I can put it, and so I take that as well, I just wanted to let someone out there know, there is a certain doctor for someone who does care, and there is a certain medication out there for someone and it's just the perfect one, medications like Lamictal aren't cheap and I currently have no prescription plan so, my Lamictal is $400.00 a month for 90 pills. However, I can't go without it, i'm not willing to go back into that lifestyle. I've read alot about people with the diagnoses I have who stop taking the medication and such, I'm quite the opposite, I guess after having these problems for 20 years or even when I was born possibly ya get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I thought I could enlighten and share my story with you all, and give you some hope if you need it. I hope everyone finds there way of happiness and peace, and if ever you need to talk send a message my way, I know how you feel. Thanks for reading.

[bizi]

Thank you for sharing!
Ya know they just came out with a generic lamictal, runs 145 a month. Maybe that is what you use now?
I am so happy that you have stabilized...what a success for your family.
It is wonderful that you were able to tell your mother the truth.
My gentle comment would be the xanax use....any way you would consider switching to klonipin? It has a longer half life which is easier to keep the dose on an even keel...not sure if that is clear.
again I wanted to thank you for sharing your story...
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[MyBestKids2]

Hi ladygnomes

Welcome to PC. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, I imagine that can be quite hard. I also take Lamictal (150 mg 2x a day). The generic is available now, my full cash payment has dropped to $250 from $400.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

Take care,
Dee