[dueNorth]

It started a couple of days ago, when my son asked me if I would have problems with him going to visit his mother that lives 5 ot 6 hours south of us now. I had told him no I don't, that I would never stop him from visiting his mom.

He is planing on going with his friend that has a car, and supposedly he may be leaving this thursday or saturday. I reminded him that school was starting the second of next month, and he can't miss the first day.

Especially the last couple of days, the thought has been pounding in my head, along with everything else that normally is, that 1) his mother is going to do her best to talk him in to moving in with her, ect and 2) I am almost wishing she did and that he took her up on the deal.

I feel both terrible and ashamed of feeling that way, not to mentioned selfish. But on the other hand he is not helping matters here at all. Refuses to help around the house, the `office` and his bedroom are complete disaster areas.

Yeah I know what your thinking, it can't be that bad. Well his bed room is far worse then the office, and he has a litter box (just as I do in my bedroom, I have 3 cats besides the dog.). And when he does not take care of it, the one cat will pee in his bed. Which of course, is a bad thing, but he does nothing about it. And sleeps in it, does not clean up after the cat and refuses to take care of the litter box. In his mind, it is beneath him. Yeah I know, I should pick up all his mess, and take care of everything, but at this point I can't even step in the door with out getting sick to my stomach.

When I try to get him to clean it up, and even offering to help him ( which does little to help) he gets abusive and usually gets me pined to the wall. He is 6'2" and about 230 lbs , while I am not even half that. Last time it happened, I tried calling 911 but he took the phone away and I could not get it back until `he cooled down`. Then we have the same old talk, and he goes 'yeah, I know, I'm sorry, you know I dont mean it,ect'

Don't get me wrong, if I lost my cool through the whole mess, I could drop him and put him in the hospital in about 3 sec (corps training), but I do not want to hurt my son, even if he is my step son.

It just seems every one has abandoned him except me, and if I have him move out he will look at it as if I abandoned him. And too I had given my word that I would never give up on him, and in my mind that is exactly what I would be doing.

I know I have issues, bipolar, panic attacks , major depression, ect... but dog gone it. If feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can't win... any ideas?

[sabby]

You sound like a parent that is feeling all the normal thoughts about their child. Why would you be abandoning him if it's HIS choice to visit his mum and if HE decides the grass is greener and wants to stay with his mum? Sounds to me like that would be his choice....not something you brought up and asked him to do.

The other thing that really stands out to me is that he is bullying you in order for him to get away with being a lazy slob. If you are the one who pays the rent, feeds his need, provides his room and gives support then I would say you have every right to expect him to do his share...and it doesn't sound to me like you are being unreasonable here in your expectations of him.

Regardless of whether or not you could hurt him when he lashes out at you, he is bullying you and you have every right to defend yourself and teach him some respect. Maybe you could find some help in your community as to how to deal with his outbursts and lack of respect. Many times it's a matter of the parent changing and the child follows suit.

As a mom, I certainly do understand that danged if you do and danged if you don't feeling. What I try to tell myself when I'm feeling that way is to follow my gut instincts. They never let me down and are always right on target!

Too bad kids didn't come with a manual eh? Wishing you luck and I hope you find some peace through this issue you are having.


sabby

[Schatje]

Hang in there. What you are describing that you are feeling sounds totally normal and not warped by anxiety or bipolar.

[bizi]

This sounds awful....
You can't continue living like this.
It is your house, your rules, if he doesn't follow them then that is his choice, I would give him 30 days notice...
bizi