[bexter]

I mentioned on this forum back in April that I, an alcoholic of long standing, had become aware that I was probably bipolar. A few weeks later I was officially diagnosed and was put on Depakote.

Things went okay for a spell. I kept up a steady string of correspondence with the woman I am in love with, a good friend of a good friend who at the time lived 1,000-plus miles north of me. We spoke daily and had plans to meet, but didn't want to hurry things, each of us believing that I needed to reach some arbitrary sobriety milestone before I headed north for a visit. (I'd had a bad bender between mid-March and mid-April.)

In June I had a weekend-long binge and wound up in the hospital, which I also mentioned here. This knocked a scheduled 4th of July trip to Philadelphia out of consideration. I dusted myself off, re-started meetings and the Depakote (which I believed was helping curb my hypomanic tendencies), and decided to move back to Virginia from Florida.

That has proven a disaster. I chose I city I'd heard great things about, but where I knew no one. Since arriving in late July, I've had several hospital trips, a couple of drunk-in-public arrests, and a stay in a homeless shelter.

Most recently I had again gathered myself together and gotten an apartment. It's a dump, with my roommates being considerably younger and kind of loud, but seemed like a place where I could get back to my freelancing. But this only lasted a week and I was drinking again.

The last couple of weeks have been harrowing, culminating with two things that happened on Thursday and Friday that have thrown me into suicidal depression. One may seem trivial, but it's not to me--I lost the upper dental plate I wear somehow. The next was out of the blue and a horrible blow: I have an old credit-card bill that went to collection, and unbeknownst to be the law firm representing the company won a judgment against me back up in New York. This meant that my bank account, to my shock, stood at $0 when I went to withdraw rent money on Friday. They'd gotten a subpoena and my $550 was gone, or not accessible.

I'm told that any money I put into that account immediately goes into the hands of the law firm. However, I was NOT informed about a judgment having been won against me, so that may help save me in the short term.

Having been homeless and hospitalized lately, I have not, needless to say, been working. With no access to funds I couldn't eat all weekend, but I really didn't care. I didn't want to leave the apartment anyway owing to embarrassment about my top plate being gone (probably forever).

I'm half-prepared to deal with this today (Monday) by phone through Legal Aid or whatever, yet I'm really much more inclined to give up and jump in front of a truck or off a bridge. The proximate issues I can sort of deal with, but I'm just so exhausted at 38 for being the person I am that I'd really rather just get it the hell over with, and have no apologies for feeling this way. And that will be the subject of my next post.

[momofboys321]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. The important thing to remember is that life, no matter what kind, is worth living. Think of all the people that would miss you. Keep your head up high. If this is a bottom, you can only go up from here. Good Luck!

Holly