[adieuolivaw]

I go from being a lifelong introvert (I think) to being an extrovert, when my euphoric "moods" hit me. I thought the extroverted behavior and the euphoria were only a defense against the impending depression which I knew would always arrive. Now I really wonder.

Could I be a BP-II?. I have no BP diagnosis so far, probably because I have never seen a pdoc and never discussed these symptoms. I have only told my internist about my depression and received SSRIs from him, which make the depression manageable, but just. I would like to brush my teeth on a daily basis, for a change. And it might be a good idea for me to stop hitchhiking when I'm into my happy moods.

In the distant past it's true that I self-medicated and engaged in risky behavior. Suicide did seem an option when I was at the very bottom of a few very bad cycles --- and totally unmedicated. I would get ADs and take them until I felt better, then stop. Now I follow medical advice, however.

These days I have no intention of giving up my meds for depression. There is always the unfortunate possibility, however, that the ADs have thrown me into hypomania, because I never had these extremely extroverted behaviors before except at certain times. Now I connect those times in the past with when I was taking ADs.

This was my previous thinking --- that I have a depressive personality, and that I am a very introverted and reserved person. At the time I am convinced that is my "real" personality.

When the euphoria arrives, however, I believe that my "real" personality is extroverted, talkative, assertive, even directive, and very open.

This is EXTREMELY stressful to me. I want it to stop. I feel I am becoming a fragmented person. It takes so much energy to deal with the changes in myself --- that I am at the mercy of them. I cannot wake up to alarms. I cannot keep appointments. I cannot plan ahead.

I don't believe I dissociate, however, because I still know what I'm doing and I'm aware I'm the same person. I remember what happened no matter which personality I am under the influence of at the time. It just doesn't seem that these two so very different people could co-exist.

Adieu

[TgrsPurr]

Hello Adieu, first I want to say I'm glad you posted. Second, I want to say that you seem very self-aware and that's a good thing. Third, you're very articulate and I like that.

Now, on to business, nobody here can diagnose you, but I do believe that you really ought to talk to a dr. about this. You already have a relationship with your internist, so perhaps you could *start* with him and see what he has to say. He even might be able to give you an informed referral to a pdoc. You have raised many points that really ought to at least be looked into. You owe that to yourself. And you are right, the AD meds you are currently on *could* be causing you to cycle into mania unneccessarily. I do understand the "stress" factor of it all. It's exhausting trying to keep up with the drastic changes in mood, personality and behavior. What you've said here, is exactly what you need to tell a pdoc. I wish I could be more helpful than this, but please know that we are here for you in any way that we can help. Support. Encouragement. Understanding. Answer the questions we can. You've already taken the first step by reaching out and posting here, so good for you! And if you are diagnosed as BP, it's not the end of the world. In fact, it's the beginning of a better life because you'll get the meds, therapy and support you need. It might take time to figure it all out, but you are NOT alone. If you need to talk more privately you can always PM me. You had posted a response to one of my posts earlier relating to what I had to say about my personal experience with BP, I'd be happy to share with you on a more private basis if that will help you any. At any rate, please keep us posted on what you decide to do and what you find out.
Oh, and it would be a VERY good idea to stop hitchhiking no matter what mood your in. Pah, Pah, Pah, PLEASE!!!!! That is some seriously high risk behavior that could cost you your life Hon. I'm not just asking, I'm begging.

Keep in touch. TgrsPurr

[vacantangel]

Adieuo

I think that TgrsPurr pretty much ran the gamut of good advice to give you, there's not much I can really add to that. I'm glad you've decided to come to the BP section and post. You'll certainly get a lot of support and understanding here and maybe see a lot of similiarities in what we're experiencing to what you are. I hope you'll continue to post here.

[adieuolivaw]

TGRSPURR: Thank you for the response. It may be some time before I can afford to terrorize my poor internist with my might-be-BP symptoms. Many other medical problems and tests and evaluations are already in the mill with specialists. I'm just trying to remain together enough to suit up and show up. I'll check in here when I can.


Adieu

[adieuolivaw]

ANGELGIRL: Thank you for the welcome.

I feel very strange, because my symptoms haven't much meaning and I can't be helped until some doctor decides I fit a pattern with which he is already familiar. Then I get the label and can possibly be helped.

On the other hand, there's always the possibility of being wrongly diagnosed and labeled, which has happened to me already. Have you ever tried to get a specialist to change his mind? The more devastating to you his wrong call has been, the more entrenched he may become in his error. Especially when the diagnosis itself undermines your credibility. It's only your word against his.

And the primary doctor is highly influenced also by the specialist's diagnosis, right or wrong. Additionally, my internist was very influenced by having seen me once at the bottom of the pit of darkness. Unfortunately, being in that pit can be interpreted as part of so many different "diseases" that it's a crap shoot.

This is for both you and TigersPurr to read. I was burned badly the last time I trusted a doctor. Now I'm seeing another doctor, in an attempt, possibly futile, to undo the damage the first doc did. If the news from the second specialist is good, I'll take it to my internist and then we can discuss the possibility of BP. *sigh*

Is there any help other than medication? It takes so much energy for me to modify my behavior, to act appropriately when I'm out among them, that at home I only have energy left to eat, browse the forums, and then crash. I'd like to change that.


Adieu