snakeswithhats

This is a rant!! I will be discussing my issues with my insecurities as well as talk about anxiety, bulimia, and sh!! Please don't read if that can trigger you, I'm only posting here to get my thoughts out of my head and look back on my experiences when I'm hopefully in a better place.

Apart from the horrible feeling of living in my body and looking at myself, even on days when I'm more comfortable with my appearance, interacting with people makes me feel awful. Combined with social anxiety, it's absolute hell. For the first time I posted a picture of myself on the internet, about a month ago. I just wanted to find friends and maybe some sort of approval but I feel like a part of me was hoping for a trigger. I got compliments but nothing seems real. Just conversation starters or someone looking for a fun time. I was disgusted by myself any time I was attracted to someone. I feel embarrassed, like I'm some creep and I shouldn't be attracted to anyone. Even finding a celebrity attractive makes me cringe at myself. I notice that my mental health severely declines when I start finding someone attractive. I think how disgusting it is that someone like me could be attracted to someone like them. I start thinking that if I told anyone who knew me personally about wanting to date or finding someone attractive, they'd just laugh and judge. I hate the way that I'm almost 18 and have never had a relationship or even a friend, apart from on the internet. I don't feel normal. I feel like a failure. I just want to be able to eat, walk in public, and express my emotions like a normal person. I wish my thoughts even allowed me to have some sort of self expression but change makes me anxious. I can't change anything about myself without being more uncomfortable and hating it. I'm used to wearing the same color all the time but I can't wear anything different. I hate my hairstyle and really want to change it but I feel like I'd look dumb with a different hairstyle. I want to accessorize but I feel like it'd be stupid if I did. I just want to experience life without being controlled by mental illness.

Yaowen

So sorry that you are suffering. Wish I knew how to help but I struggle with body issues and haven't found anything all the helpful so far. My heart goes out to you.