[Rachie]

Ahhhh im so pissed off and annoyed right now. All i want to do is sit on the lounge like a lump and not move, but never fails as soon as thats all i want to do my son annoys the absolute crap out of me! He jumps all over me kicks me, punches me, yells and screams like an idiot, tries to change the channel on the tv, whinges for food every 5seconds(he NEVER stops eating) keeps letting the dog inside just silly little things that annoy the hell out of me. Fair enough hes only 2, nearly 3 actually. But he is the only child i have ever met in my life that cant sit still and shut up for 5 fcuking minutes. I swear he has adhd! And it doesnt help that my bf has gone away for 2wks for work and i miss him and have pretty much no time alone for the next 2wks. I hate it! Sometimes i really really hate having a child. And no i cant take him anywhere because you know how you see them kids in shopping centres that kick and scream and whinge so bad? Well those kids are angels compared to how my son acts when you take him somewhere and i just dont have the energy to deal with that! Sorry for the rant just needed to let off some steam!

[krazy_phoenix]

Dear Rachie,
Wanted to congratulate you on a great job - venting, ranting and raving, loudly and harshly here...safely for yourself and your boy.
My son has 'put me' through the ringer the last 18 months. He is 3.5yo. I hear your frustration, sense of suffocation, of wanting of bit of yourself left for yourself, of needing some calm and serenity...stuff only mothers understand. Don't for a second kid yourself into thinking that those 'perfect' mothers don't have days like we do - their days may not run into weeks or months, but they do have them nonetheless. No child is perfect 100% of the time. And I wrote 'put me' in talking marks, because, even though it feels and seems like our children are doing their stuff to us, in reality they are simply mirroring us, our anger, hostility, frustration, hurt, fear, frustration. They have been walking this earth this time round for such a short time, they are not yet equipped with rationalisation, common sense, manners, subtlety, nor ability to quantify and qualify emotions or thoughts. They are purely sponges with a mirrored finish, teaching us about our weaknesses, strengths and exposing buttons we didn't even know we had.
Please remember your boy never asked you to be here. And most of all, he is not responsible for you or your feelings. He didn't do 'this' to you. Being a full-time parent is the hardest job in all of mankind and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Keep venting here, we will listen. In the meantime, muster the depths of your energy into being, talking and acting calm and serene with your son. He will soon start to mirror this back to you, with the occasional outburst that is simply part of growing and learning and of being 2!
Good luck, be kind to yourself, and love the little miracle who loves you unconditionally...you can never get this time back.

kp

[Rachie]

Thank you so much for understanding! When i read back over this post just then it sounded so mean! Of course i did feel much better after writing it and having a little rant, i try my hardest not to get angry at my son but sometimes i just cant help being cranky around him, and i hate being cranky around him because he does pick up on it. I think im starting to learn how to get over being cranky more quickly, i just try and focus on something else. I have found that making my son laugh makes me less cranky very quickly bos come on who can resist smiling at the cute little laugh kids make when you tickle them thanks again your response means alot to me

[Michah]

Rachie, babe.......laughing is proven to lower blood pressure and lower heart rate.......so it has physical benefits.....

You are not alone......do you have support while your partner is away? Sometimes a circuit breaker is good.....take your son to the park and let him run around......

Raising a child with BPD is infinitely difficult......while you are trying to help yourself navigate the difficult and terrible terrain of a personality disorder, you are also trying to not consciously commit the same atrocities your parents or significant other inflicted on you. We have to be "double parents". Doing all the normal parents stuff, while not becoming our parents......hhhhmmm. Well, that is how it was for me. Took a lot of therapy to get to a comfortable parenting plane. There were times when my son absolutely terrified me.

The fact that you can vocalise it, is definitely a good thing.......it means you are aware.......

Be safe, be kind to yourself and it will undoubtedely rub off onto your son......take the best care you can sweets.......this too, shall pass......we are with you

[Rachie]

Definately got the double parent thing going on. Whenever i get cranky around my son im always thinking to myself i cant do that i dont want to be like my mother and i dont want my son growing up with the same problems as me! Thanks michah