[Rachie]

I still havent told my parents i have BPD. Im going to have to do it soon because i need my mum to babysit for me on the 28th because i have an appointment with a T and my pdoc. I dont know why im so worried to tell them. Its not so much my dad im worried about telling but my mum. Maybe because she had alot to do with the way i turned out, im think im scared she will think im making it up for attention because of course i make up everything. Hmmm whenever i think about telling them i get so nervous and anxious. Can someone please help me figure out how to tell them. Thanks heaps in advance.

Rachelle

[anna342]

You don't have to tell her exactly what is going on, you could just say you've not been feeling so good, or a little depressed recently and that's why you've got the appointments, if you're worried about what they will think of BPD. But then again, it shouldn't be anything to be ashamed of, it doesn't change who you are as a person.

[Rachie]

I dont think she has ever heard of it, but she would definately look it but she has to know what everything is. I think thats the problem too, i dont want to be asked questions about it and also once she looks up what sxmptons are of it she will probably think im a crazy junkie or something. I dunno. Think the worse thing is she will think im a bad mother which i dont think i am at all

[confuzzed]

Hey Rachie,
It sounds like you still have your mom attempting to control you and in some ways you are letting her do this. If you do decide to tell your mom what your diagnosis you can also tell her that you need her to love you just the same and you do not need her criticism. You can also tell her you would appreciate her being supportive of you while you are working your way through all this.
You may find that she wants to be helpful, but you also need to make sure that you and (if you have one) your therapist are working through this and that your mom must understand that she cannot control any aspect of your treatment. If she chooses to be critical of you, remind her that you are an adult and you would appreciate her respect as well.
If you need to, don't talk to her for a while. If she calls you and starts in on you, just tell her that you are not going to listen to that criticism, you have enough stress as it is, and hang up the phone!!!
I have been through this too - with my mom trying to control every aspect of what I do even to the extent of her insisting that she attend doctor's appointments with me (I'm 50 years old!!!). I have had to and continue to have to remind my mom that I am grown, I have children of my own who are old enough to have their own children, and I don't need her telling me every move to make.
Yes, it's hard to stand up to your mom, but once you do and you start finding your own way you'll feel much better about it.
best of luck, and let us know how you are doing-

[Rachie]

Thanks confuzzed! Im sorry your mum is still trying to control you, it must get very annoying sometimes! Well i still have 2weeks to work up the courage to tell her. Ill let you's know how i go. Thanks again guys

[Michah]

Hi my sweet! Aahhh yes, the parental conundrum.........there are two scenarios.......they will be accepting and unconditional, or they won't. be prepared for it to swing either way.......

If she is the perpetrator, in a way, for this to manifest itself as borderline(as my mother with me) then she may get extremely defensive and will deny it. Especially as you said that she will probably research it for the symptoms and cause. Some parents just don't "grow" past the illness and refuse to accept it. My mother and I divorced for 10 years and my father stood beside me even though he had no clue what was going on. He tried to understand, but you know my opinion on getting others to comprehend....they cannot.

My mother, till this day, denies that I ever had Borderline. Although 15 years later, she has admitted to not "being the perfect mother" Ha! Yep, thats all i'll get from her. I don't need her to "confess"........I have already forgiven her. For me......

babe, there is no clear cut answer.......you either shout it from the rooftops or you put a cloudy "patina" over it. You don't have to spill your guts straight away.......at the end of the day, you are the one suffering, sacrificing and healing. Remember, it is a precious journey.......you get to choose who you share it with. And if you share it and they don't get it, or get hostile or think your a bad parent.......that is their experience, not yours and you walk away from the negativity.

You are number 1, forgive them for their flaws and the more resolve you show in your value system, the less they can hurt you. Eventually, they will come round. Being a mother and good person does not rest on whether your parents accept the dx.

You must find great courage in this to protect yourself, till this day, my mother is still the one who triggers me the most.......but to have her in my life(which is my choice) I have had to learn to unconditionally accept that this is the way that she is. But she doesn't frighten me anymore, she just makes me angry sometimes. Her value system is different to mine. Took a LONG time to get to this point. I do not need her to validate me anymore.

You take care my sweet........you are a proud person who is fighting the good fight.......be honourable in the process and rise above all that threaten to bring you down.......be still and breathe and others will follow......

Let us know how you go........

[Rachie]

Ah michah you always know just what to say thanks heaps lovely ill let you know how it all goes! Much love, Rachelle

[Rachie]

Well i told my mum, it wasnt so bad. She got a little upset cos she said that she thinks its her fault..was it wrong for me to feel happy that she felt that way?

[confuzzed]

Thats AWESOME news Rachie!
I don't think it's wrong for you to feel happy that your mom felt it's her fault - at least that's what some of the psych theories say - all of your problems are related to your childhood!
But here's your chance to be supportive of your mom.
Just tell her that you know she did the best she could in raising you, and together you both will get through this.
Hooray for you on some really good news!!!

[Rachie]

thanks confuzzed! Big hugs