[Abby]

i've had a bad realisation tonight.

maybe the reason everyone (best friends) cut me out and leave me all alone is because i am something below what they want.

i always made myself think that it was them, they were dysfunctional in some way, it was never me that was the problem.

what if i never find true friendship because i can never offer enough to people to make myself be relevant in their lives?

i always thought i could control people and situations. What if i'm nothing?

I don't know, i don't want to think this, the control part wants to yell me into submission, to degrade me till i know i'm nothing but the scum of the earth.

And i know she is right. But i'm so sad i thought i could be somebody.

Maybe i should give up and be all alone.

Maybe it'd be better for everyone.

In the long run.

[Phoenix1985]

having the opposing sides to ur personality sucks balls hey. its not u hun. if u get that feeling from them, maybe its because they are below u - are jealous of u being strong to live with BPD, and still be here, ALIVE.

Hugs hun, hope you start feeling better.

[Michah]

Hello, and welcome!!

Do you crave people because you think they will validate who you are? Are you a sociable person who likes to have good friends? There is a difference babe........you can survive without people, especially people who do nothing for your spirit.

People can never validate your experience.... they cannot be the mirrors of who you are, because it will always be distorted. They can never be a decent reflection because you are still trying to work it out yourself......you are on an important mission of self-discovery, BPD or no BPD. You must be selective on who you share it with.......it is too important to waste, my sweet.

You are not alone, and you are not unloved. You are NOT below those ignorant people who think they have it all together. You do not need a group of people to be friends. You just need one or two REALLY good ones to share a mutual and fulfilling journey of mateship. And they must be very special so you don't waste your experience on people who do not deserve it.

Be patient, do not give up, trust the process.......once you are ready, the universe will provide, get ready for thet day sweets for it will come and you will experience much joy(and pain, it is all part of caring).......I spent 10 years "alone"(I let people suck me dry spiritually or they ran away in fright!!). Once I embraced my need of solitude and anti-socialism, funnily enough, I started to meet some really good people who are my true friends, who accept my misanthropic self, just as I am.

Unconditionally and peacefully accept your true self, and others will too. It will take time.......and it will come.......be ready babe.

We are here......

[Abby]

Thanks Phoenix - it really does suck to have opposing sides within my personality that are constantly at war. I hate not feeling balanced and constantly feeling like friends are either ignoring me or boring me. It isn't their fault, i'm quite hot and cold.

Thanks Michah for your thoughtful response - i am both. A part of me is really fun loving and social (dunno where she's gone though as it's been a while since i've seen her around ). And a part of me only keeps people around so that they can validate me. I feel extremely guilty about this, i can seem so caring and involved when actually i'm very emotionally detached. I like people to be honest with me and each other, but i'm the main culprit for faking and lying.

I really want my friends to be mirrors of who i am/or who i am at that specific time. My emotions range from puzzled to intensely frustrated when they don't feel exactly what i feel. Logically i get it, they're are different people with different experiences, but emotionally, i really don't understand why people don't react like me - i mean it makes so much sense to me! So I get angry and i try and force them into seeing it my way. When they don't/can't i feel disconnected.

I don't share anything true with any of my friends anymore. I find it is more frustrating than it is worth! I wish i understood why good friends have walked away from me though, they never even came an explained to me what i did wrong! One friend was there one day and not the next (literally!) after 12yrs of friendship, and another friend drifted off quite obviously so that at one time i could have finished her sentence and the next i didn't even know what she was thinking! I understand things change, i'm not that emotionally dependent to want things to be the main person in their lives, but to be shut out completely. That hurts. At least i fake it with people and spare them their feelings!

It is really hard to accept what i don't know. It is hard to even know where to start with it all. I need to leave this hurt and rejection behind, but when the future is a blank it is hard not to hold onto something familiar. I always think i should have a whole fresh start, stop feeling like i have to play a part in friendships and just walk away from them all. I'm okay with doing that, it is just i'll need to change everything like my house, job etc in order to do so and that takes time and effort. Plus the problem is that although i love fresh new beginnings because it starts so darn well, i can garentee a yr later i'm in the same position as i am now.

[Fuzzybear]

It usually takes two people to mess up a friendship

(sorry so short, your post made me .... and as well but not at you)

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Thanks Phoenix - it really does suck to have opposing sides within my personality that are constantly at war. I hate not feeling balanced and constantly feeling like friends are either ignoring me or boring me. It isn't their fault, i'm quite hot and cold.

Thanks Michah for your thoughtful response - i am both. A part of me is really fun loving and social (dunno where she's gone though as it's been a while since i've seen her around ). And a part of me only keeps people around so that they can validate me. I feel extremely guilty about this, i can seem so caring and involved when actually i'm very emotionally detached. I like people to be honest with me and each other, but i'm the main culprit for faking and lying.get rid of that guilt, babe. As long as you do not intentionally go out to hurt people(as I did!!) you do not need to suffer guilt. No karmic dues to pay for being YOU. Even if it is not the YOU you wish to be. I often go through being detached and being attached in a breath! But it matters little because I know that that is ME. It is also not a true reflection of how I am feeling. Be kinder and more forgiving of yourself.......do not suffer unessecarily.

I really want my friends to be mirrors of who i am/or who i am at that specific time. My emotions range from puzzled to intensely frustrated when they don't feel exactly what i feel. Logically i get it, they're are different people with different experiences, but emotionally, i really don't understand why people don't react like me - i mean it makes so much sense to me! So I get angry and i try and force them into seeing it my way. When they don't/can't i feel disconnected.yes......I have struggled much with responding to emotion......when people get emotional quickly, I freak out irl. I am really good at taking care of people, but get quite frightened when people suddenly act differently(my T and I have discussed aspergers, for many reasons)......but I digress......people are strange creatures, but I spend little time now trying to work it out. I struggle sometimes when discussing the role of people in our lives. It is the one concept that I stumble on. Sorry babe, but I am intensely anti-social and misanthropic and think most people in the general population are relatively awful. I chose not to have much to do with them and love my own company. I do understand intellectually why this would make you feel very isolated.

I don't share anything true with any of my friends anymore. I find it is more frustrating than it is worth! I wish i understood why good friends have walked away from me though, they never even came an explained to me what i did wrong! One friend was there one day and not the next (literally!) after 12yrs of friendship, and another friend drifted off quite obviously so that at one time i could have finished her sentence and the next i didn't even know what she was thinking! I understand things change, i'm not that emotionally dependent to want things to be the main person in their lives, but to be shut out completely. That hurts. At least i fake it with people and spare them their feelings!

It is really hard to accept what i don't know. It is hard to even know where to start with it all. I need to leave this hurt and rejection behind, but when the future is a blank it is hard not to hold onto something familiar. I always think i should have a whole fresh start, stop feeling like i have to play a part in friendships and just walk away from them all. I'm okay with doing that, it is just i'll need to change everything like my house, job etc in order to do so and that takes time and effort. Plus the problem is that although i love fresh new beginnings because it starts so darn well, i can garentee a yr later i'm in the same position as i am now.

Sweets, are you getting some help with this? Some therapy from a good psychologist might be helpful in bringing you through this feeling of being in a rut. Keep talking.......we are here if you need us.....

Be kind to yourself babe......and know that all things DO change......sometimes we just need some help to do it

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I can't put into words my response to your post or to the feedback, but I am moved by it.
The way ppl react to us and treat us...boy...
Here one day, gone the next...and never knowing why...
I know...
what can I say?
And feeling like ppl are better off without me...
And the idea that it's *them* and not *me*.
I'd like to think that I should look at what I could be doing wrong in an interaction, but at the same, for me, it can be exhausting, always second-guessing someone, wondering always what I might have done to deserve certain treatment by them...
Billi