[shezbut]

I am trying to be mindful.

Stay in the moment. Focus upon me, and what I'm doing. I am so freaking irritated with a stranger beside me, I want to scream! Very strong, negative impulses to damage everything.

Why do I have to be so reactive? Why can't I just take a breath, and let it go? Instead, I swim in the intense emotions & fill my head with negative ideas. Is this a common situation for those w/ BPD?

Shez

[Michah]

Absoluely Shez.......how you feel is completetly within the scope of intense feelings......

Mindfulness, or the practice of, is infinitely hard......consider shaolin monks who practice a certain kind of mindfulness through meditation......it takes them many years to reach levels of consciousness through meditation. Mindfulness is no different......maybe in its intensity, but it is still a skill.

Frustration is a common thread through all types of therapy.......I remember my T bringing up mindfulness about 2 years ago.......she is predominantly a CBT Therapist, but uses other methods if need be. It took me 1 year to be "mindful" for 2 minutes.......that is without reacting to thoughts and going off on tangents. Mind you, I am also dealing with endocrine malfunction which does nothing for concentration.

So, shez.......don't be too had on yourself. I know how hard you are working......it is in the trying, is it not? And like creating habits, mindfulness is a healthy habit......it is a mode of thinking. It takes time, practice and patience I bet you are doing real well with "acceptance"......another fascinating method of DBT......I find that part quite easy

DBT is based on Buddhist principles......maybe spend some time, not so much on mindfulness, but on gratefulness(if you can), stillness, and listening to yourself.......mindfulness will then come.

Take care babe.......your hard work will pay off tenfold

Michah

PS. The anger will come and burn like fire........then leave. Tell yourself this......make no effort to process, judge, or react. Just observe.......as with all things, it will change. Do not become angry with the self because you are angry in general. Embrace it, talk to it. Tell the anger tht you see it, but you wil not act on it........this is not repression, it is acceptance(with a bit of mindfulness thrown in).......you can do it!

[shezbut]

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Michah

"I bet you are doing real well with "acceptance"...I find that part quite easy"

The acceptance phase has definitely been the most difficult concept for me. Although I recognize it to be a necessary aspect of good health, I don't want to accept the past. I hate it! That very thought gets me back on my merry-go-round of emotions. I feel as though I simply cannot let go of the self-hate, guilt, and resentment. Those emotions are the ones I know well and am more comfortable accepting. Fun, peaceful emotions aren't real comfortable for me yet. I resist feeling those, as I expect them to be taken away and replaced by the horrible yet again.

That's where I am right now. Thanks for sharing your wisdom

Shez

[Michah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Michah

"I bet you are doing real well with "acceptance"...I find that part quite easy"

The acceptance phase has definitely been the most difficult concept for me. Although I recognize it to be a necessary aspect of good health, I don't want to accept the past. I hate it! That very thought gets me back on my merry-go-round of emotions. I feel as though I simply cannot let go of the self-hate, guilt, and resentment. Those emotions are the ones I know well and am more comfortable accepting. Fun, peaceful emotions aren't real comfortable for me yet. I resist feeling those, as I expect them to be taken away and replaced by the horrible yet again.

That's where I am right now. Thanks for sharing your wisdom

Shez

Hi shez,

My apologies,......I feel that might have sounded contrite......I usually do not make assumptions babe....slipped up with that one

When you speak of acceptance of the past, that involves a certain amount of forgiveness. Ahhhh forgiveness......INFINITELY hard.......when I speak of acceptance I am more referring to accepting the moment. Not judging, just observing how you feel at that given time. Applying acceptance to the past is a whole other kettle of fish.

Do not accept the past if you are not ready to......I found it took many years of VERY hard work to forgive my mother.......and I forgave her for me, not for her. Forgiveness worked for that, acceptance works for the times that she triggers me now. Just know that the work you do now, will add to forgiveness over time. I have not forgotten what my mother did to me, but I realised that the more rage I felt towards her, the more she was winning......everyday. My self-righteous feelings of intense retribution were hurting me, not her.......till this day, she still does not believe that BPD even exists........she said to me a few weeks ago that t was all about me "behaving badly".....Hah!! Yep, had a good laugh at that one.

So we come up against negation, hostility, and grief......but that is their bag, not ours.......No one knows really, what I have had to do to stay alive and heal......no one has to.

Take care, babe......again, my sincere apologies for assumptions.....

Michah

[easy goer]

very interesting, useful thread. Thank you both.