Borderline PD symptoms description

I like this description of BPD because it is more than just a list, and I suppose because I relate to it very much. Learning more about BPD has helped me slow down the processes and find words for what is going on.

When this diagnosis is offered, it isn't always offered as an explanation for how we relate to ourselves and others and the intense emotions that result.
It is a complex way of being, as one thing affects another..affects another. It is no wonder we often feel overwhelmed.
I feel so fortunate to have a psychotherapist who understands, accepts, and is kind and patient.

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from the site: Personality Disorders Institute, borderline personality disorders, psychotherapy, psychiatry, and mental health, public

The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, mood swings, the use and abuse of drugs, alcohol, or food as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, phobias, feelings of emptiness and loneliness, inability to tolerate being alone.

In addition, these patients displayed great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; they were unusually impulsive, they fell in and out of love suddenly; they tended to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. A consequence of all this was that they typically looked for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see in borderline people an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to put up with, an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset, and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, through action, of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. What seems to be of central importance in the symptoms and difficulties mentioned above is that the hallmark of the "borderline" personality is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "What am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything—other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person."

The one word that best characterizes borderline personality is "instability." Emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly, often for no discernible reason. Thought processes are unstable—rational and clear at times, quite extreme and distorted at other times. Behavior is unstable—often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating with outbreaks of regression to childlike states of helplessness and anger, suddenly quitting a job, withdrawing into isolation, failing.

Self control is unstable leading to impulsive behaviors and chaotic relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder may sacrifice themselves for others, only to reach their limit and suddenly fly into rageful reproaches, or they may curry favor through obedient submission only to rebel, out of the blue, in a tantrum.

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing for which relief is sought at any cost—medicine, drugs, alcohol, overeating, suicide. Sadly, oddly, self-injury is discovered by many borderline people to provide faster relief than anything else—cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

The effect upon others of all this trouble is profound: family members never know what to expect from their volatile child, siblings, or spouse, except they know they can expect trouble: suicide threats and attempts, self-inflicted injuries, outbursts of rage and recrimination, impulsive marriages, divorces, pregnancies and abortions; repeated starting and stopping of jobs and school careers, and a pervasive sense, on the part of the family, of being unable to help.

So all of this is so me to a tee...but I haven't been diagnosed...kind of diagnosed myself and although it scares the crap out of me...when my husband says things like "you are sick" "you have BPD", etc...I get so enraged...I don't wanna be sick. I don't wanna have a mental illness....I just wanna be normal. I want to be able to control all the negative things that go on in my head. Its like there are 2 of me and I have no control of either. And as hard as I try...I fail, at least that's what my husband inadvertently, indirectly tells me, well I tell myself that too. I fight these feelings and emotions and thoughts...and somethings I succeed with my verbals words...but I still lose the battle.

My husband and I have been married 2 months and I have left him 3 times. I physically assault him regularly. (Now here is the justification for my assault, he is huge (Marine fit guy) and I am less than 100 lbs. I couldn't hurt him if I try, but I go into these uncontrollable rages over nothing, I mean nothing...and then the fight is on...and then I call the police and I beg them not to arrest him and then we make up and then we are great for a few days until I open my mouth again. And all he wants for me is to get better...and all I want from him is for him to shut up and quit telling me how I should be and what his opinion is and how wrong I am...oh my goodness I could go on for days....btw...he is a great man, he trys to be supportive and he loves me like no other ( I don't mean to sound so critical of him because he is so, so good to me.)

Anyways, I just want to fix me and I don't know how.