High Risk Bpd(dunno where to write really so i write here)

Saw my care co-ordinater today.They decided supporting housing wouldnt take me and want to put me in what they call a nursing home.They have said "Blair House" and there is a place available.I will visit next week.
I'm a bit sad.Reality is setting in.
I have to give up my house Because im such a high risk to myself.
I dont take things serriously enough.6 psych admissions in one year!
Amongst many serrious things that have happened.

I dont want this,im just a failure,I'm all wrong!

(((hugs))

I can understand that you're feeling sad. It would be nice if you could move into something more independent. But, realistically, maybe you aren't quite ready for more independence. A part of you is yelling out for help, and that's the part that they're listening to. Before the negative outlook part grows any stronger ~ you need some help building positive strengths. Positive, safe ways of dealing with daily stressors. It shouldn't take very long before you begin to see how far you're coming along.

Try not to focus on the negative aspects of where you are. Use this opportunity to get help in working through your difficult emotions and building self-esteem. Try to simply take one day...one moment at a time. I can understand how you may be feeling about yourself. It isn't easy.

Very best wishes to you! Gentle hugs ~ take care!

Dear Princess,

I thought Shezbut post was Beautiful!!! Shezbut that was Awesome!
It all depends how you look at this Princess what perspective or view you will take. This could be the best thing to happen to you!!!

for ex. same happened to my friend, she got involved in activites & groups. They offered her a Full Time permanent position with great benefits & a good salary!!! It's you choice.

Warmest Blessings,
Holmes

Thankyou Friends.
I'm actually starting to feel ok about it.And that it May be a Positive step.I've had a REALLY difficult week with many upsets and it would of been nice to come home and speak with someone instead of dealing with it on my own in a cold empty house.
And then theres the constant panic attacks,terrified someones going to break in.
I had a really bad night last night and no phone or internet to seek help.
I thought someone had got in the house.I was so scared I couldn't breathe.I kept telling myself I was safe and it was my mind playing tricks.but a few months ago someone did try and get in and I thought it was my mind playing tricks At the last minute I realised it was real and called the police.they caught the guy in my garden.And thats after a more serrious incident that took place in my home.

I dont socialise,I dont leave my house unless i really have to.I'm scared of people.So i am pretty scared of moving somewhere there is others.
But not just that the staff will really see whats it like for me everyday,i do my best to carry on and i hide things.But people think im really ill now imagine what they would think seeing me 24/7.
I Have to give up nearly everything i own.

I see my Care Co-ordinator this week we have something serrious to talk about as well as this.
At the moment it really feels like the whole world is against me

My mood is getting difficult now.The panic attacks and the tears are more difficult to cope with.I get so scared I can't breathe.this last week its got more intense and more frequent but I can't think why.I'm struggling now not to self medicate or harm myself.Every night I'm terrified someone is going to break in.I don't feel safe.I get so distraught and upset its really really difficult.
I'm trying to keep going and get through it.I know right now I don't want to die I just want to be well.

Check the survivirs of abuse thread(tommorow i will tell)

To write about what you have been through will be healing, I feel

I spoke with my care co-ordinater 'V' this morning
I will be visiting the nursing home on wednesday.Meeting the staff and some residents and having a look round.
I'm a bit nervous. My Support worker 'E' will be coming with me.
My care co-ordinator 'V' explained to me about the place being for people with severe mental illness and i will be the youngest one there.She said though we need to look at how i will be supported and my needs.She told me it is very like being on the psych ward.So in some ways im not looking forward to it.She said the staff are really nice.And that i should be honest and ask questions.
Giving up my house and pets to go into a hospital type place.Its not nice.But as i said to my care co-ordinater "Its just a stepping stone" a good friend said that to me once.And she's very right.Its a stepping stone to getting well,i may lose my balance a few times though.
I also discussed with 'V' my panic attacks theyve been alot worse and ive struggled to cope.There not just panic attaks though.Sometimes i see images(flashbacks)Automatically i want to take pills to make it go away.But ive resisted.I also havent self harmed for nearly 3wks.
The pill thing is difficult though i see horrific things in a flashback,nightmares except im awake.Its so real.I cant breathe,my heart starts pounding like its going to burst through my chest.And i would do anything to make it stop.I use to grab a handful of pills so that they would knock me unconious so that i couldnt feel.But I'm trying to stay away from them.But it feels like its worse.The reality is ive been blocking things out for so long with pills now im not taking them there coming back to me at once.
But i can do this,I will do this.
I wont let the past destroy me anymore.
I wont let those Evil abusers win.
And if i succed,If i can do this that means you can to

I sincerely hope your stepping stone, steps into a wonderful new phase of your life.....................

I go and Visit the mental health nursing home tomorow.
I've been feeling poorly today and where i live its snowing quite heavy.
My apointment is at 9am and i will be picked up by my support worker at 8.30am.
I just have a bad feeling that somethings going to go wrong.But it wont will it.
We wont be snowed in,i wont vomit everywhere and we wont crash the car. Will we?

Anxious

I went to visit 'Blair house' on wednesday.I met with Staff and saw some residents.They gave me a tour of the place.It reminded me alot like a hostel.Except it was bigger and clean.
I dont know if your able to but heres a link to it http://www.blair-house.co.uk/
They have said yes to me moving there.
I'm a bit scared.But it looks ok,The staff are lovely.I will have my own room which has its own shower and toilet.There even going to repaint the room before i move in.
my care co-ordinator is going to ask if Bob and Betty(goldfish) can come with me.If not my sister will look after them.Sophie(dog)is going to go back to live with my parents.
i have to give away/sell most things.i mean moving from a 3bed house to just a room!
I'm doing ok.Its helpful to have something to focus on.I'm looking forward,looking towards a positive future..
my main fear is people! I mean im so not a social butterfly.People scare me.but ive asked all the right questions about security/safety etc.I'm always scared im going to be attacked again which is kinda why ive been hiding in my house.The plan is to move me in there the last week in january.so quite soon.

Thanks for sharing the link Princess Butterfly.

The place does look very nice! I can understand your fear of being around lots of people. I'm not real sociable either. It does seem to have lots of nooks and crannies though. Several areas for small groups of people to hang out in. To me, it appears pretty intimate.

I'm sure that you'll make a few wonderful friends there ~ and that will be a good thing for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the change goes easily. Best wishes!

starting to get a bit low.
very tearful very tired thinking about self harming alot

Lots of changes can be so stressful.

Do talk with your T about the frequent thoughts you're struggling with. There are LOTS of positive tasks you can do to take up time, and not let your mind wander to the "dark side". Exercise, word search, puzzles, music, art work (coloring, painting, crafts..).

Best wishes!!

Princess Butterfly I really admire you for what you are doing and I think you are doing it for the right reasons. Blair House looks like a really nice intimate place and I dont think for a moment you will feel any threat to your privacy there. Shez is right you need to distract yourself at the moment. Good change is coming your way and I hope for all good things to happen in your life as a result. You deserve it. Keep posting here and let us know how you are coping.

Take good care of yourself

Paddy

Shezbut i dont have A T.
Ive been trying really hard to distract myself

I'm struggling.
Tearful,hate myself and want to cut.
Finding it difficult to cope with the panic attacks and flashbacks.
I just want pills to take my pain away,I want to take pills to calm me down,I want to take pills to stop me from harming myself.
I want to block my feelings and thoughts out.
I just want this pain and upset to stop

(((((((((Princess butterfly)))))

There is a self harm forum with ideas of others things to do to calm yourself, I'll get you a link in a second........

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=10310

hi, if ok to ask, when are you going to move in? maybe to make a list of things that you would like to do before moving in?

Thankyou friends
I popped in to see my care co-ordinator today.we had a light discussion about things and i'm feeling a bit more reassured.She said they have asked to move me in the 1st feb.

I'm actually doing well,struggle everyday but gone about 5wks without any destructive episodes.Which is the longest time for me.
i'm just trying really hard to keep this up.But have realised with speaking with 'V' that i'm putting to much pressure on myself.I want to be perfect i dont want any slip ups.
But 'V' tells me if i do slip up i mustnt let myself go down hill and think ive failed and that ive ruined everything cause i havent.She says i need to understand its part of my condition.She says i'm doing really well at the moment but i am serriously ill which is why im going into a home.
i am starting to realise more and more the reality of things but its much easier to think im not that bad.Sometimes when i hear 'v' say how serrious and life threatening my behaviour/condition is, it doesnt regisiter that she talking about me.
this is a tough,frightening step.But it is a step forward.