[free_spirit13]

Well, it has been a little while since I checked in here-- my last posts are somewhere in the bipolar disorder forum. I have seen my new psychiatrist twice now, so not for very long. She has so far diagnosed me with Mood Disorder NOS, which actually is just sorta frustrating. I looked it up and there isn't much about it. Just basically that it is the "garbage bin" of disorders. In other words the name they give to the things they cannot name. That isn't really comforting. It's like saying, "Hey, I don't know what the hell is going on so I'm just gonna say that you are an outcast among the outcasts, okay?" I know it's early on and that from what I've read this is often an initial diagnosis that is changed into something more specific as your doctor gets to know you better, but from how she is talking it somehow feels like it is more permanent. I shared how I felt with her-- how I don't necessarily enjoy the thought of being diagnosed with something specific, but it seems more probable that it can be treated when it has a real name and symptoms, and she said something like, "yes, but what you have is more complex than that, and that is the short version." What's the long version? Anyone with Mood Disorder NOS that wants to add to that? Please?

Since I last posted I have also discovered that many of my symptoms fit in even better with Borderline Personality Disorder than Bipolar, as I originally thought. Not all of the symptoms for borderline fit me, but if I had to pinpoint any specific diagnosis as me, that would be it. Would anyone be willing to share their experiences with Borderline Personality Disorder? The DSM listing of the symptoms is sort of dry and non-explanatory and a more expressive explanation might help me sort out what I am going through. Thank you!!

[ECHOES]

Hi free_spirit13.

There is a 'sticky' posting above, at the top of the forum, that gives a different descriptioin of Borderline PD than the DSM, or the most common descriptions that I had run across. I don't know if you already read that, but if not you might find it helpful.

I was diagnosed for years with just depression or depression with anxiety. When I read "get me out of here" by Rachel Rieland, I was early in this round of therapy and I thought it fit. I asked my therapist, and she agreed. She doesn't thing diagnoses are too important; it is the symptoms that matter. She has asked me to not get hung up on the diagnosis.

It is a word that describes how I interact with myself and with others, the intense emotional storms that come on suddenly and seem far more intense than emotional reactions that others have to the same situation, but mostly it's about the fears and insecurities that I have that color my perceptions and my reactions, my interactions.

As for the personailty part of it, my therapist shrugged and said "What isn't part of personality?", yet also we have talked about how early development works and what happens if early development is not healthy and leaves deep feelings and fears that aren't even conciously known to us.

[free_spirit13]

Thanks-- I did read the description and part of why I felt that Borderline fit was because when I read people's personal stories online I connected so strongly to some of them. My therapist also seems hesitant to get hung up on a definite diagnosis, though that could be because it is so early on in therapy. There are many of the symptoms of borderline that fit me but there are some that don't, and others I have that might fit another so I guess it is a little complicated.

Also, I don't know if I really understand what a dissociative episode is. I know what it means-- like to disconnect from yourself, but I'm not sure how you are supposed to feel, or in what way you are supposed to have done that for it to qualify -- I think I may have but everyone feels disconnected at times, right? Would you (or others) feel comfortable telling me about your experience with that-- if you have experienced it, that is. Another one I am a little confused about is the unstable identity, or sense of self. Is that something you feel about everything, or can you know what you believe or think about certain things without changing, but constantly fluctuate in other things? And again, to what extreme, because, again, doesn't everyone do that?

Sorry for all of the questions I guess if anyone feels okay about explaining their experiences with borderline-- particularly regarding the above symptoms but others too-- it would help me a lot. Meanwhile I will check out that book

[ECHOES]

Yes, everyone feels disconnected at times. Plain old daydreaming is an example. When you are so engrossed in a book or tv show that you are unaware of time or your surroundings is another example. Driving and thinking about something intensely, like financial worries, then arriving at your destination and realizing that you don't recall specifically all the parts of your driving there is another.

Also, when you are feeling something in the moment that 'belongs' to another time and place is an example. In therapy my therapist might touch on something and I respond by retreating mentally, because I have been stimulated by something other than what is happening right in that moment. Something makes me afraid, and I retreat. It can be many things and each time it is something to explore. I may be afraid to speak my thoughts because of an old fear that my spoken thoughts will be used against me, for example. This takes time and work and it is slow, but enlightening.

[free_spirit13]

Yes...sometimes though I have looked in the mirror, and all of a sudden I feel extremely disoriented-- panicky almost. It feels like all of a sudden that I am realizing I am me-- that makes no sense, but there is this overwhelming sense of "this is real, this is your life" that scares me and almost makes my image shift or something, as though the rest of the time what I do and say is someone elses life, or something I'm reading in a boo, does that make sense? Is that what dissociation feels like, or could that be something else?