[shezbut]

The title kind of explains it all.

I am actually gaining some self-esteem, which is amazing! At the same time, I am tempted to go back into non-existant & self-hate. Tempted to go back into the very dark side. WEIRD!

Hating myself doesn't please me, nor comfort me. Why does this feeling create so much ambiguity and fear??

[lynn P.]

((shezbut)) I'm happy you're gaining self esteem and feeling better. Old behavior/patterns are hard to break and even though it's puts you in a miserable place - it's a familiar place. You're not used to feeling good, your mind is restless. Just keep affirming yourself and enjoy this time.

First of all, I'd like to comment on how great it is that you've been feeling better. Awesome!

Second, I'd like to say that it's perfectly normal to be tempted to go back to how you were feeling before. Think about it: You're probably very used to your BPD symptoms, so it must feel a bit strange to be rid of them right now. The trick is to resist going back to living with those symptoms, even if they are what you're used to. I am currently struggling with this as well, and sometimes it's so tough I think I might explode! Sometimes it's actually scary to feel good, because we just expect that it won't last long.

You are a strong person. Keep fighting the fight, and I hope you are feeling good for a long time.

[Perna]

I think the temptation has a little to do with all-or-none thinking. Life isn't all good, self-esteem, "healthy" days, the other is in there too and needs to be to provide accent! As the Arabian proverb says, "All sun makes a desert". A "good" life is a balance between the two and not really about how you "feel" but about the total package, your ability to accept that there is good and bad and boring and scary, angry and graceful and that You stay the same through all these feelings.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

Think about it: You're probably very used to your BPD symptoms, so it must feel a bit strange to be rid of them right now. The trick is to resist going back to living with those symptoms, even if they are what you're used to. I am currently struggling with this as well, and sometimes it's so tough I think I might explode! Sometimes it's actually scary to feel good, because we just expect that it won't last long.

Thanks melissa.recovering

That does make sense ~ nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with this concept. One would think that if we were healthy, we'd just be happy, but it isn't that easy!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think the temptation has a little to do with all-or-none thinking. Life isn't all good, self-esteem, "healthy" days, the other is in there too and needs to be to provide accent! As the Arabian proverb says, "All sun makes a desert". A "good" life is a balance between the two and not really about how you "feel" but about the total package, your ability to accept that there is good and bad and boring and scary, angry and graceful and that You stay the same through all these feelings.

Perna,

As always, your seemingly simple words are very wise. I must work upon remembering and accepting them in everyday life.

Thank you!

[Michah]

Shez,

The more light you try to bring to the dark, the more the dark will fight to stay dark. It is a trick. Know it for this and know that the dark is very sneaky and tricky. It will make you feel uncertain and fearful. It wants you to stay in the habit of feeling negatively about yourself.

The strange thing is in my experience, is that the more you love the dark, the less like dark it becomes. Forgive the dark and bring the light in gently. Don't fight it, but don't give in to it either.

Whenever there is battle within between light and dark, I talk to it. I tell the dark that I know it is there and I respect it. I tell it that it is important and I am not trying to get rid of it, nor am I afraid of it. I just tell it that the more it tries to take over the less I am listening to it. I tell the dark that there must be a balance. That the light is just as important. Most of the time, it will retreat without complaint and be still and strangely comforted.

The dark, afterall, is the terrified part of us, the "child that wasn't hugged enough", for want of a better expression. Give it a hug, tell that child that it is okay and safe. Provide the buffer for it to thrash itself around, without hurting itself. Eventually, the fear will subside and the cycle starts again. It does get easier over time, the better you become in trusting yourself to feel safe.

Take care dear one. You are at a very important juncture in your healing. It is both painful and liberating, but you can do it.

Michah

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( shezbut ))))))))))))))

[shezbut]

Wow, Micah, that's a really interesting way to look at it!

I don't know what else to say... I'll have to print your post to remind myself not to fight negative emotions. I have a tendency to automatically "clam up" whenever I feel fear or sadness.

For example, one of the DBT facilitators was talking to us a couple of weeks ago about how she is moving into another area of the clinic. Then, during mindfulness, I was overcome with deep sadness. Part of me felt like bawling, yet the stronger part yelled that I needed to "let it go" or "stop it!" and focus on my breathing. I really do struggle with allowing myself to express any sadness and fear.