[littlematchstick]

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago and with treatment I got a little better. Then I moved and things took a downward spiral. I just started going back to therapy, and I'm looking for an online support group to get me through the days between my therapy sessions. I'm excited to meet new people who understand what I'm going through!

[littlematchstick]

Originally Posted by littlematchstick

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago and with treatment I got a little better. Then I moved and things took a downward spiral. I just started going back to therapy, and I'm looking for an online support group to get me through the days between my therapy sessions. I'm excited to meet new people who understand what I'm going through!

I didn't have much time to really explain my situation so I'm going to expand on it.

I'm 25 years old and was diagnosed around 23. I just started going back to therapy about 3 weeks ago. I have been out of therapy for over a year. I had to move home (from college) and I have been isolated since then. I can't find a job.

Since my downward spiral began, I have been struggling SO much with this disorder--it is completely taking over every aspect of my life.I am always anxious (to the point of physically shaking sometimes when things are overwhelming). I can barely read a book because I can't concentrate. I have panic attacks almost daily. I feel trapped in my house, but as soon as I leave I just want to come to back cause it feels safer. I've ruined almost every friendship I've had because no one can deal with my crazy mood swings and my neediness. One member of my family thinks I just *want attention*, another has severe mental issues and can't really deal with me at all, and the other I suspect has a form of autism and isn't really mentally capable to deal with me either. I feel like I have absolutley NO ONE in my life who can help me. I've considered calling a suicide hotline just to have someone to talk to when I'm *freaking out*. I'm finding it harder and harder to control my anger (I threw a salad dressing packet in a restaraunt the other night because I couldn't get it open--I didn't even realize I had done it until after it was over). I get mad at people, then feel bad for being *mean* to them, but 10 minutes later I get mad all over again. I just can't control anything in my life. It doesn't help that my mother is over controlling and manipulative on many levels..I don't do anythign right in her eyes. There is no way I can move out of her house right now, so I feel trapped here with her yelling at me constantly. It's frustrating. I go back to my second therapy session tomorrow but I fear that every 3 weeks just isn't going to be enough because my daily stress and craziness is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I need to be committed for a while just so I can be in a new environment to sort things out with some help but AWAY from my mother. But I don't have insurance or money for something like that--so again I feel trapped. I just feel like theres not enough resources out there to help me. I hate it. But I'm going to quit rambling now before I drive everyone else crazy. Just wanted to explain my situation and myself a bit more. Thanks for listening.

[humors1]

Hello and welcome, I am kind of new too but I read what you are going through, I am sorry and can completely understand as have felt much the same way at times. Have you told your therp. that you need extra sessions? Maybe they can see you more often. Also NAMI is an organization that provides services for the mentally ill, they have groups and stuff in my area. I find when I can go to a meeting or something sometimes I cant get myself to leave the house, I dont know if you have that problem, anyway, nice to meet you, maybe talk again
Take Care, humors1

[littlematchstick]

Originally Posted by humors1

Hello and welcome, I am kind of new too but I read what you are going through, I am sorry and can completely understand as have felt much the same way at times. Have you told your therp. that you need extra sessions? Maybe they can see you more often. Also NAMI is an organization that provides services for the mentally ill, they have groups and stuff in my area. I find when I can go to a meeting or something sometimes I cant get myself to leave the house, I dont know if you have that problem, anyway, nice to meet you, maybe talk again
Take Care, humors1

My problem is that my mom won't really take me anywhere like that and I don't drive or anything..its just hard to find a way to communicate with people outside of a computer (and my therapist). I tried talkign to my therapist about getting in more often but they are just swamped. I went today and don't go back again until August 9th...which seems like a lifetime away..its just frustrating..I feel like I have no support system between sessions with my therapist.

[humors1]

My therp. is backed up too....it gets kind of hard and seems like I wont make it, i don't know about you but that happens to me. The computer has been a great way of bridging the gap and sometimes after I talk to someone on here or post something I go to my blog and it kind of helps my therp. know what is up between sessions...if you want to talk you can email me at live2u.from.mentalhell@gmail.com I try to check it every day I usually come here first.
None of my business but how was your session today?
take care, humors1

[littlematchstick]

Originally Posted by humors1

business but how was your session today?
take care, humors1

It went ok, Although extremely frustrating. She says I'm high function (which I am in some situations). But I get the impression that she feels that since Im more high functioning that i can handle things better--which isn't always necessarily the case. I also feel like, she knows Im a psychology major in college--and since I know the information--I think she feels that I can just weed through everything better then most people. But I just don't feel that way. Sure I know the information--but that doesn't make it any easier to apply it to myself...kinda like most people don't always take their own advice but they're great at giving it out. I just feel like its a conflict of interest to try and apply my knowledge to my own situations. I dunno.

I mean I'm smart and did pretty well in school...but my day to day life is just a wreck. When I'm with her I'm calm and not *crazy* like I am when I'm dealing with my life. I feel safe with her so I don't deal with the anxiety and the crazy intense emotions when I'm around her for some reason..so I just don't think she sees the real me...so to speak.

Now I could be totally off base with my impression of her and how she feels about me. ...cause its possible that its my defense mechanisms going up thinking she's not taking me seriously and that she thinks I'm faking or something..I don't know.

I made a list of all the things I feel that are bothering me, or I'm having issues with..and she just kinda skimmed over them.

I also think she just thinks that my problems are situational based...I have a really horrible home life..which does cause me extreme anxiety and depression. But even when I lived on my own I had a considerable amount (and I was even on medication at the time). I had a lot of trouble getting through school (even though I did well most of the time) it was real struggle for me.

I dunno..maybe the psychologist (or BPD) in ME is overanalyzing HER impression of me...

And now today I'm still sitting here wandering what she thought of me and how I should portray myself to her to make her understand..I just feel like no matter how I act or what I say..no one will ever trully understand ..I feel so trapped in my illness...its scary.

Thanks for asking though--sorry I wrote a book in response here..lol!

[humors1]

I'm sorry, how frustrating I would be so pi***ed (sorry the language, I try not to use it but) your therp just passed over your list Sounds a bit like my therp. I have been dealing with mental health problems my whole life so" "she figures" that I use past techniques (i cant spell, sorry)that is just the way I feel she has never said that, I am too scared to ask, I too think it is the BPD in me but that is what I am there for among other things!!!...I function well enough but it is the times when I am not in session or at night or whatever when my functioning would be questionable. Does she consider those times when you suffer?

The list of issues was a great idea, even if dismissed by your therp....but I think (and im no therp by any means) everything you listed is a valid issue....you talked about your home life, but that does not make the problem that's bothering not a problem just because of your situation..it still needs to be addressed because it is bothering you and you are what matters. im just saying that what you listed is hurting or bothering you and should be seen individually...i hope that sounds right

it must be frustrating working with people in mental health when you have gone to school for it.....I have worked in the medical field my life so I kinda feel like that with medical people. I know enough about a problem to be concerned but not enough to fix it and I am an amputee. But when I was having the problems with my foot and leg I thought they may think I am faking it for pain meds or my mental health problems.

when is your next session? my home situation has been turned upsidedown recently and I have not been able to get an appt and it has been a rough time...I know we just started talking but talking to you has helped, thank you. I had better go...sorry so long...take care and I will talk to you later

thanks again

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty for sharing, littlematchstick.

I too am frustrated with therapists and therapy.

And my bpd is so pervasive and taking-over, too.

I relate to my functioning not being too good at night or when left to my own devices.

I too can give better advice to others.

I can tell ppl to love themselves but I can't love myself.

ty,

Billi

[humors1]

hello Billi,
I like your quote
gosh...you put to words like I feel, nice to meet you
take care, humors1

[sisu]

Okay, you definitely need a community,a nd someplace to work on getting whole. Do you work, even part time?

You also need to be able to drive, etc., and this is a subject your therapist may be able to take up with your family, getting you some more autonomy.

You are right about your life causing you some of the stress. I've been there- in my early twenties, too. Tell your therapist to recommend someone who can see you more often. You don't have enough sanity left to risk losing more.

You might try starting a blog about your experiences under an assumed name. You might also try joining an online community about another interest of yours, it would provide you at least some community other than your home life and here. It's important for you to create some stability right now by any means you can.

have you considered re-enrolling in school? I k now it would be hard, but if you only did one course at a time, it would at least get you out of the house and into other people's company in a non-drama setting...

[humors1]

Hello, I do volunteer in the community with youth drug, alcohol, and violence prevention....there are no mental health services within 20 miles of me. I had a therapist but the program was cut and my husband was driving me 45 minutes to get there. I am in a wheelchair, I am able to drive, but due to chronic pain I can get my chair apart and back together only a couple times a day.
You are very right on a lot of points but it is easier said than done. I have been on Social Security Disability since before I was 18....there have been several times I wanted to try and go to school I just have not found the courage.
I guess it is a try a little at a time.