[bpd2]

I have spent the last 2 hours working on a computer problem for my daughter. The computer is the laptop I was using prior to this one. I still had an account on it, with all my therapy emails on it. As I was working on her problem, I found that she had deleted my account.

Two years of emails. All gone. These emails were often long, including long replies from my therapist. They were often profound. I looked at them awhile ago, knew I needed to take the step of printing them, didn't want to take the time, thought I would transfer them to an external hard drive, but didn't get it done.

Why didn't she ask me???

When I called my therapist to talk to him, he talked about the problem: "kids do that." No duh. What was and is distressing is that I want to destroy my daughter. I wish I had never had her. I spent the morning doing things for her, as I often do (baking muffins, running errands, paying for things for her). I even allow friends over when I hate having other people around.

So, I feel like I hate my daughter, and I feel abandoned by my therapist. And I hate myself for hating everyone, for being so lazy and not taking care of the emails, for needing a therapist who has no time for my emotional needs....

[billieJ]

Well, you don't seem to be lazy! Even though I can't know what you are experiencing without being you, I hear your anger and can understand the intrusiveness the thoughtlessness of what your daughter did. Could it have been an accident. Or perhaps she didn't understand what she was deleting, or at least all it's implications for you. Have you spoken to her about it. No need in doing so until you can reach a point where you hate her behavior, rather than her. Being a parent requires so much giving and selflessness for so many years. Eventually, however, you may well reach a point where it is her turn to be the caregiver, and you will be glad you had her. Re: your therapist: I, too, hate it when professional caregivers are not willing to be interested and compassionate. It is their problem, but it causes problems for others. Love yourself. Your feelings are understandable. billieJ

[Gus1234U]

ooooh {{{{bpd~!}}}} what a bummer~!! is there any chance that the emails are saved in a back up file ? you can try System Restore ? or ask a geek~ i have hear that things can be recovered,, i'll look for what little information i have and try to send it to you! in the meantime,,, try to sleep it off, avoid thinking about it,, soothe yourself as best as you can, use all the skills we know to Tolerate Distress~!! sending you all the energy there is~!~ Gus

[sugahorse1]

I'm so sorry - I can just imagine what a curve-ball this must be for you...

[bpd2]

There's more to this: last session (just over a week ago), my therapist suggested that I write a book about my therapy, using old emails and essays (we use the writing cure sometimes), and beginning with his death and using memories and experiences with a new therapist.

Feels pretty loaded to me......the death thing.

So, even though it was very hard to even begin to think about the logistics and the energy involved to write such a book (I've written two books, am at work on a third that is at least 1/3 done), I knew I needed to retrieve those emails. As soon as I got the computer back from the shop was when I was going to do it.

Then I discovered the deletion of my account.

Then I called him--you know the story about that in regards to the anger at my daughter.

BUT, at the end, as I was trying to say goodbye, he said, "They're just emails."

Even if they hadn't been emails I wanted to use for something specifically, it's a cold thing to say to someone....losing emails is like losing a diary, a journal, essays, poems...