[cluelessgluten]

For a long time now I have gone thru life on an emotional rolled coaster. My wife has threated to leave on countless occasions. Why she has stayed is beyond me. I love her very much. She tells.me all the time I need anger management. I once smashed a chair on the table because I burned some cookies. Who does that. I always feel silly afterwards, but can't seem to control myself in the moment. I have hit myself in the head during arguments with my wife. I have attempted suicide once. I still contemplate it. I often wonder what it would be like if I were gone or if anyone would even notice I was gone. My wife figured out my fear of abandonment. I didn't see it but once she mentioned it I realized I what I had been doing. I had been abandoned by both my parents and had lost my grandfather. So I pushed her away but wouldn't let her leave. I loved her and hated her at the same time. Poor woman why did she put up with me. There is so much more but too much to right here. Knowing this and controlling it are two different things. Even though I know what is wrong I still do it. I need help but don't know what to do. I am afraid to go to the military doctors because they might kick me out but if I don't get help my wife might divorce me. I just don't know were to go.

[bpd2]

First, I can relate to the horror of destroying committed relationships. I'm really sorry this condition is taking you to the brink.

Second, go to the PsychCentral home page, go to resources, then go to either bipolar or personalities (then to borderline). There is a wealth of help in either place--all over the site.

Third, you can get help outside the military system. But, if you got help within it, maybe the help would be more specific to any work-related pressure you continually face or have faced in the past. Just a thought.

In any case, please pursue getting help. Being landed with the condition is not an excuse for not doing something about it. Our loved ones deserve our strongest efforts, even if we can't see that we deserve them, too--but, of course, we do deserve help and healing. Go for it!