[struggling2010]

How do/would you ... interpret ... this song coming from your ex or SO?

The Beatles - In My Life

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

don't know what he's trying to do or say. is he just trying to ... pull me back in? WHY? if he doesn't really care or love me, why?

the last 3 weeks (i have not responded to any) consisted of the following, starting with (just days before Halloween):

learn from mistakes,regrets,wish change,alone

u don’t understand how i feel

then followed with an invite in the afternoon to Connect with him (yes i do not understand, i'm thinking explain it. but have not responded to any of these)

### has invited you to connect

couple days later his status showing Scorpions - No One Like You youtube link to the song.
followed by a few days after that

all i wanted is love eachother

Tuesday night again the
few hours later the Status with the link to the youtube song The Beatles - In My Life
then yesterday AM back to the
the song status is still there

so ... needless to say ... don't know what he wants / expects from me by doing these things. as it says really not much of anything without him actually explaining himself ... better.

My ... issue / concern / question, don't even know what to call it
is, is he just playing a ... game? i wonder if he really even cares at all what he did to be that was the end of all ends for me. After repeated telling me never to leave him, understand what it'll do to him if i leave him. to promise him i won't ever leave him. then he decides, whatever i said after i ... gave in and said I'll promise, just don't hurt me. he seemed odd, just adamant that I'm going to leave him no matter what i said.
then the ... attack.

so WHY is he doing these things now?
when's it going to be over and move-on? how long will this go on?
if he really loves me he'd not only get help but apologize to me. right?
i'm not special as the songs portrays. in fact he prob. did and said and gave all the things he's "never done with anyone else" are all lies? is that really the fact of the matter with BPDs as I've read? Really?

thus far, unlike b4 and times why i returned to him was the suicide threats. this time it's different. with the above things and no suicidal antics.

is there something i should try to understand that i wasn't able to before other then that he is suffering from a mental illness?

i cared about him deeply and can't help but still think of him ... apparently "naturally" as many are left ... dumbfounded and deeply enmeshed.

[struggling2010]

for instance, reading BPD Central on manipulation, is this true?

We believe that, in most cases, the BP's behavior is not intentionally manipulative. Rather, this kind of behavior can be seen as desperate attempts to cope with painful feelings or to get their needs met-without the aim of harming others.

borderlines who appear to be manipulative usually act impulsively out of fear, loneliness, desperation, and hopelessness- not maliciousness.

if true then i think they do love you and want you and ... yea, need you, put push you away even with the fear of such abandonment they so desperately do not want yet ensures it happens because ...?

i've read BPDs write somethings and it's so sad to read them b/c it's like they want what everyone else wants in a relationship BUT sabotages it. at an subconscious level too.
and yes, they do feel love. what they feel is in fact magnified. maybe it's not "true love" as some say you can't truly love another and know what true love when you can't love yourself first.

it's all painstaking for both parties though admittedly more so for the intensely feeling BPDs.

[bpd mess]

I don't think I can answer any of your questions, but I can give you the perspective of someone with bpd.

I don't know what your ex is thinking, but I do know some of what BPD can cause. I have a really hard time with the push/pull issue. I'll be afraid of being abandonned by someone, so I push them away, but then I'm afraid they'll really leave, so I do what ever it takes to keep them from leaving. It's not manipulation, it's all fear driven and it's really hard to reason your way out of it. From the outside, that sounds a lot like what you describe your ex doing.

As far as the love part goes, I know I love my husband and kids and would do anything for them. Do I love in a way that would be called "true love"? I don't know. I'm not sure how to define "true love". All I know is my experience. And it is hard for both parties. I know it's hard for me and I also see my husband struggle with me having it.

[struggling2010]

i appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.
yes, your perspective is the perfect way to say what i was seeking from members on here. thank you for that!
sometimes can't seem to think of the right words.

yes, i posted couple of quotes i found that describes the behavior and not really a purposeful act but what it seems to be the act because of the result in pushing away the person then to pull them back. but all driven, as you've stated, out of fear.

i've read about contradiction in the behavior. don't want abandonment yet end up sabotaging it.

i believe that you do love them as you say. how do YOU define love? if simply that it is "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection", to an extent that occurs. but some of that is lacking from what i've read, is that right? because of the fear, the devaluation (so lack of regard) and affection is lacking to push away ...

i'm probably not doing a great job in writing this out, so please bear with me. i am newly learning and still have lots of questions of course.

so far so many have said, basically do not engage, stay disengaged. Yet I read actual BPDs and some things in the books I've read and think but they need more from their SO and have to learn how to respond to their emotions which is differently then the normal knee jerk reaction otherwise it makes it worse.
then i read, doesn't matter, no matter what, they'll push you and pull it and continues ... to when is it the final end?

guess that's where my question really lies ... why is he continuing to do this, and it seems obvious it's to "pull" me back, but WHY? and how long will this go on? I've also read the push-pull cycle continues and the same thing happens with others who they decide (is it decide or ??? when is the next person the person to have the relationship with?) is the next person in their life to have the ... relationship with?

sorry, thoughts not all put together as I'm still trying to ... get it myself
what can the BPD ex do?

[bpd mess]

I don't really know what to tell you. I'm still trying to figure out the whats and whys of how I act. I would think that unless your ex is in some kind of therapy, it won't get better any time soon. I'm in therapy and I'm told I'm getting better. Since bpd has a lot to do with relationships, it is possible to learn new ways to relate and not be classified as having bpd anymore. I don't know about the question about love. I haven't really thought about it before except that I love my family and I have a hard time accepting that they could really love me. One of the things I'm working on changing.