[WANM]

Hi, first off let me thank you for taking the time to read this! I've been having a really hard (and when I say "hard" I mean HARD) time with my mental problems lately, and I'm past the breaking point. I've been past the breaking point for a very long time. I don't think I will ever be a danger to anyone but myself. The biggest threat to my survival, is unfortunately, myself. My behavioral and pyschological problems have always been present, ever since I was a baby. My parents described me as a very strong willed, dramatic, rebellious child, even at the young age of 10 years old. Everything really intensified 10x when I entered the teen years. Which is when Borderline Personality Disorder starts to manifest itself. I'm terrified that I have it, when I say "terrified" I mean scared to death. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I say 9 years old, and I've been medicated since I was 14 years old. the medicine did wonders for me, but it didn't take away my problems, it only helped calm them. The problems are still there, and lately they've been getting harder and harder to deal with. If I could describe what it's like to be me in one word it would be "FIRE". Literally, everything I do is consumed with either intense love or intense hate. It's almost like my brain is on fire, I'm literally overly passionate about everything, it's way past the point of being dramatic, and almost like being insane. I wouldn't even call it "dramatics" anymore, because I'm not faking how I feel. When I'm screaming or threatening to kill myself, or telling my loved ones that I'm a psychopath, I truly mean it in that moment. I'm not just trying to get their attention, I truly mean every word I say in that moment. Of course, later on, once I've calmed down, I can usually say "I'm not really going to kill myself" or "i don't feel like a psychopath" anymore, but in that moment, you can bet I mean every word I say. It's not Bipolar Disorder, because I don't have high points of "mania" and then low, low points of depression that last for weeks or months. Usually, the longest it lasts is a day or two, but more commonly, they only last a few hours. I'm wondering if my ADHD (I'm severely ADHD) is causing Borderline Personality Disorder.... I just don't want BPD because, unlike ADHD, you can't just take a medicine and get better, it takes years and years. I'm not sure if I'm sane enough, or patient enough to survive through years & years more of BPD. It's hell.
When I compare myself to the symptoms, I would say there is a strong chance that I do have BPD-
Impulsitivity is a huge problem with people with BPD, and I have a STRONG, STRONG, STRONG problem with my impulse control. basically, I don't have any control. When they tested me for ADHD, I flat-failed the impulse part of the test.
The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.
--I go from admiration and love for someone to intense hate and disgust. I've never understood why I do this, but it causes for a very hectic, unstable life. I've always blamed this instability on other people but I'm afraid that it might be my fault because I have BPD.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
I've never had this problem. Luckily, I've never been adbandoned by anyone in my family or love life.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
I can go from wanting to get married and have kids with someone, to utter hate & finding them absolutely boring & wanting to get revenge on them for some thing they have done to me, intentionally or unintentionally.

Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
--I can go from thinking I am the smartest, prettiest, best, wittiest, etc. person to thinking I'm an absolute monster, psychopath, ugly, plain person in the world. Not to mention, I change the way I act and identity of myself from time to time for my own personal amusement. As an example, sometimes I will act extremely OCD and other times I will be compltely laidback, not because i actually feel that way but because I find it amusing.

Chronic feelings of emptiness
I do go through feeling of very low depression & thinking i'm completely alone & have to fend for myself in the world.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
-- I've been in physical fights (especially with family) since I was very young. especially at my siblings.

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
--most definetely. I remember my parents many time telling me that they were about to admit me into the local mental hospital, and many times I have almost admitted myself. I believe I have gone through many psychotic episodes in my life. While they aren't common & they only come at times of severe stress or upset, I do believe I have had them.

Basically, what I'm asking is- Do I Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm scared to death that I do. Is my ADHD causing Borderline Personality Disorder, or do I perhaps, have both?

[shezbut]

Hi WANM,

It was a little tough for me to make it through your post, I had to skip some lines, just in case you've covered my perspective.

It isn't uncommon for meds to stop working after X amount of time on all sorts of illnesses. Be sure to tell your doctor about the changes that have taken place. Whether or not these changes are due to another condition (BPD) or merely side effects of meds going haywire, I don't know.

It really doesn't matter at this point. Would you rather continue living life in this intensely stressful and highly reactive state of mind, or start treating the intense symptoms? The latter is all that matters to me. It would be great to gain a better sense of self-control. It does take a while for BPD's to recognize and admit that we do have some control over our lives. We don't have to freak out over everything. It is our decision ~ and we deal with the positive or negative consequences of the decisions that we make.

Please do call your doctor and be honest about the feelings you are suffering from. I wish you the best. ((hugs)) to you!

WANM...I am a fairly typical borderline....I was not strong willed or rebellious....I was constantly oblivious that what I was doing would elicit a bad response though.I was ADHD...and on ritalin for ages.I often feel as if I am at the breaking point as you say.But that may be due to suppressing alot until I spill over.(I am describing me so you can compare.)I do not feel intense hate.I can be very hurt and have it manifest in a passive aggressive manner...but am incapable of physical violence.I feel love very intensely and with a deep passion.I absolutely hate that because if I love then others can hurt me.It opens a chamber in my heart that is deeper than I can swim?You say hate or love....for me...it is either...this person is not safe for me to continue allowing me to feel or this person is completely awesome.(This is not fair) I say that cause...if I ...being riddled with mistakes ...require forgiveness....and desire understanding...why do I shut people out when I feel they have wronged me?I can't answer that.I think that my father said my mom allowed to to lay in diapers with bloody diaper rashes.I know stuff happened really really young.I think subsequently I shut me down..as things got worse and worse.I don't get livid pissed...I get hurt and behave snippy.i am a rapid forgiver though...complex.I do not scream...I go quiet.I do not threaten to kill myself ...I cut.That is because the energy needs to be dispersed ...and i cannot bear to harm others.(Though I do ...via some of my behaviors...that is a heavy burden)If I have "high points" they are caffiene induced...I am addicted.Even if I am completely livid...it is nearly impossible for me to be violent...though twice...I have been.I admit I would do anything necessary to defend a loved one...with no second thought.I have tremendous impulse control.Though I choose when it is necessary to subdue impulse and when it feels ok to be me.As in...if my impulse feels tolerable or just.My anger can leak though.My behavior appears to fluctuate.That is true....again within me it is due to me trying to remain at peace with others ...then my innermost feelings spilling over...if too stressed ...tired....or overwhelmed at the moment.I have never ...and I mean never been capable of hate ...I nearly regret that.I can be very agitated...but I can honestly say that even if I am fully pissed off...I still am concerned for your welfare.I cry my self to sleep over times I have brought injury to others.It sticks with me ...creeping up....then fading back down.I do not blame my instability on others...but i do try to explain how I arrived at point B (my action)...from point A (the event that triggered point B)Probably wrong for that.Cause irregardless...I am responsible for the things I do .....pointless to say well...it's because blah blah .(yet ...I do that).I do have severe abandonment issues...from birth ...Simply never ever ever had a dependable role model ...took care of my mom and the rest of the world from as tiny as I can remember...but always been alone when down.So that I morphed into withdrawal during duress....severe severe...I freak just for a person leaving a room.Jacked up as it is...it still is....>.<...The "idealisation,devaluation" thing you describe....is for me...safe or unsafe.That simple.I find all humans worthy and valuable in their own way.I have never thought I was the "best or worst " anything.I go from feeling satisfied for doing good to feeling like a failure if I screw up.(can get downright suicidal to think I was mean.)I feel no amusement whatsoever with deceitful behavior.I feel guilt.Deep guilt.I have deceived...and it haunts me in my dreams.I do feel chronically "empty " as you put it.Like a "derealisation" An inability to feel "real".....at times (That part I can't explain.I just feel like I am unattached to me...even though I feel intense deep colorful passion for people,sights,causes,sexuality,the welfare of others nature,and art)Is partly why I s.i or engage in some of the darker behaviors that are not harmful to anyone I just need more to feel than others .I definantly experience stress related paranoia.I know nothing of it though ...just that when I am stressed or exhausted...I worry way more.I donnot know what a psychotic episode is.So I don't know what to say on that.Anyway....I am borderline ...fer sher...lol....and that is me ...comparatively.~W~

[bpd2]

WANM, I don't want to describe my borderline traits to you. Suffice to say that I have bpd. (have, I'm trying to make myself learn to say--not am--because I am not any dx), and I have bipolar disease, too.

I wouldn't go any further on that dx freight-train until I saw an expert. I suspected my diagnosis, that is, I suspected the bipolar, but not the borderline. When it came to being diagnosed, I wouldn't have trusted anyone who didn't make a differential diagnoses--as in, someone who knows the DSM (DSM is Diagnostic and Statistical Manual from the American Psychiatric Associationfor anyone reading the posts and still wondering what that means))--or someone who knows the whole range of dx and their variants). Even if the dx is borderline, it's not the end of the world--go read the thread called What's right with borderlines! (Or something like that...if I skip back to the posts, sometimes I lose the text I'm writing, so I can't check it right now.)

I want to note what shezbut said above--that "it may take us awhile to admit that we do have some control over our lives".

I want to tell you, too, that I had a tough time getting through your post, and getting through Wolfsongs, so it's taken me awhile to respond--that, and it's early morning here now. Reading symptoms and experiences in a landslide can be so hard. But I also support you in needing to get things said and to share experiences.

I'd like to hear how things go with you--keep posting. And I'll be out there, and lots of others, but it might take me awhile to respond.

Also, be aware that the "high" of bipolar can manifest as extreme irritability rather than euphoria....

I really hope you'll get a formal eval by a mental health professional, preferably a psychiatrist who can begin a med regimen if that is called for.