[3mabx]

I was recently diagnosed and im finding it hard to cope, i'm so relieve to have something to explain all of this, the mood swings and lashing out at people, honestly it feels like a different person.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months now, but the constant rows are putting strain on our relationship. Half the time i don't know if it's me or him who is starting them but i accept its probably me. I told him this week and I was so scared of getting yet another rejection.

When i start acting irrational he turns his phone off or just walks away and leaves me but this only makes it worse in my head. I wonder whether its me, and if so, how can i feel so betrayed by him? I keep over reacting to the smallest thing, I can't stop snapping, and theres a little part in my head going "no, dont do this..." but i can't seem to stop. Sometimes it escalates to physical fights and afterwards i feel so disgusted by myself.

When we have really bad fights this usually leads to cutting, I always do it at the tops of my legs where nobody can see it. And i always feel so relieved, i am like a pressure cooker and when i cut it feels like im just lifting the lid off. I have never seen anything wrong with it, it was a normal part of my life, I would never tell people but its always felt like my armour. I've been trying to stop myself since diagnosis and it has paid off but i need another way to deal with the stress.
I feel so alone, I cannot cope and suicide seems very appealing if i was not so worried about my mum. I don't want to tell my friends as I know they will reject me, its a statement of fact. I wish i had someone who understood, the way things have been i just feel like whats the point.

I guess I've got everything I need
I would't ask for more
And there's no one I'd rather be
But I just wish that I'd never been born

[bpd mess]

Hi 3mabx,
you are so not alone in this. i have many of the same issues. most of the things you're describing are because of the bpd. there is hope. are you seeing a therapist? that has helped me so much. i know it can feel very alone and other people just don't get it. this is a great place to talk to people that are going through the same things as you. that's great that you're trying to get the cutting under control. i usually try to workout when i'm in a bad way. it seems to really help. it's a start anyway. hope that helps a little.

Rejection is hard for anyone. For someone with BPD it feels like a death sentence.

But it isn't.

Everyone who has BPD or BPD tendencies deals with their own terror in different ways. Sometimes it is helpful to figure out why you feel a certain way and sometimes it's better just to deal with issues.

The BPD world is fragile and strange.

But if you know you're in this world it is your challenge to rise above it and life the life you were suppose to lead.

[onlymedid]

Your story sounds a lot like mine before I got help from my therapist. It stinks! It's so hard to deal with and you are right, it's hard to know if it's you or your boyfriend when fights start. Heck, it could be a bit of both.
Do you have a therapist? Are you on any medications? Do you have a psychiatrist?
You are not alone, there are many of us here with BPD in different stages of it. Just keep talking and asking questions. *hugs*

[abaca01]

I am having a lot of the same issues, just remember to keep breathing and someone on here said once " try to think, is this issue really gonna matter ten years from now, is it worth getting so upset about" that seems to help me a lot! Trying to identify what emotion im feeling and why is a good exercise too. . hope you're doing better!

[jacpeaceandlove]

I can understand you soo much i just dont know how to help, cause i am stuck in the same hole as you and im trying to climb out of it. i wish you best of lucks and if you need me im here for you just send me a msg.

[bpd2]

Hi, 3mabx...I used to turn to si, too. When I needed si, the only other ways I found relief were sex and manic exercise, and then Wellbutrin after I accepted needing a psychiatrist. I gave in and started regular therapy, too, including DBT. Doing that, I began practicing mindfulness, and I did mindfulness exercises as slowly as possible--like walking upstairs as slowly as possible. I could distract myself for a long time. Then, if I was lucky, someone came along and broke the hellish bubble I was in, and I could act like I was listening to them, or whatever. Now, I am safer from the need, and I stay in therapy, take my meds, try to find beautiful internet sites to go to when I am so....what is it.....so keyed up, so impossibly keyed up....Beauty and appreciating something excellent...those help. Over time, therapy will help, and I lucked out and found therapists who would let me call when I wanted to cut. That helped a lot in the beginning. Gradually, I've been able to avoid needing si through a lot of therapy. You have to stick with it. Please don't be so unkind to yourself, your skin is amazing, beautiful, and forgiving. Be good to it. And be good to you. Send me a message if you want.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks for a lovely reply bpd2 - it helped me a lot too. I don't quite understand where I am with all of this yet either. I'm battling with BP and BPD. I've just started Wellbutrin (well, hopefully tonight or on the weekend) -has it helped with the SI urges and feeling so very down?
I believe in my meds (not so much my pdoc) and go to T regularly. I'd like to keep learning about this condition and hearing from others.

[bpd2]

Re: Wellbutrin...First you have to titrate up--I went to a "high dose", but I don't remember what that was. You titrate because otherwise it's nasty from both ends--let's say that now I know how someone could die from dehydration. Seriously.
It helped a lot, though, when I got there--AND it helped with eating, all the behaviors that I did to feel better. I think it provides a mock-dopamine So that you don't look for it in other places. I took it until therapy started helping me more--and, eventually, the Wellbutrin effect wore off for me--but that was almost a year into therapy and I was in my second round of DBT and had an effective relationship with my therapist.
I really needed it.

[sugahorse1]

OK, well I'm quite excited to start this Wellbutrin. Hoping it will help give me the release from the pain and depression I so badly am searching for. I suffer from both BP and BPD (we think) so meds will always play a big part in my life.

[cluelessgluten]

Hi 3mabx, you are definitely not alone. As you can see from all the responses to your post. I know what you're going thru. When me and my wife get into fights I hit my self in the head. I think about suicide all the time. I think the only thing that keeps me from going through with it are my kids. I always feel so foolish afterwards when I have my tantrums as my wife calls I once smashed a chair over the table because I burned some cookies. The worst part is my nefew was standing right next to me when I did it. I nearly hit him. Intact I don't know how he didn't get hit with the wood that flew off. I'm so glad he didn't. I could not forgive my self if I had hurt him. So I definitely know your pain. I hope you find peace in your life.

[bpd2]

3mabx...my husband and I had a small spat this morning, and I've been slammed around with my emotions for a couple of days, and I snapped...felt myself going back to the old days......and the old days were just like you say: the fights, even becoming physical, and then the SIing.........What stopped it was giving up my job, a period of getting and adjusting meds (found an excellent pdoc after ditching two others), DBT THREEEEEE times, therapy--I'm in my fifth year--fourth with the guy I am off to see today. And a lot of tolerance by my family and a lot of help from them with stuff as simple as getting the dishes done.

So. I gets better. It gets A LOT better. Tremendously better. This morning? I knew what was happening, told him to step away, let me by to my study--never the bedroom anymore (because that just makes me feel madder when I'm mad), let myself cry, tell myself they all deserve it, calm down, do a chain analysis.....so, here we are, an hour and a half later--almost two hours.............and that's what it takes. And it is far better than it was, and it doesn't happen very often at all.

I have a "euthymic" husband, and I think that kind of mate is probably a lot of what has saved me, too...........pissed me off, OF COURSE, but saved me....