[bpd2]

Do we? I mean, do borderlines?
The two blocks seem to be (1) that a return of affection by someone else, turns into permission to need them--with all that that entails, like being hyper-alert to their emotions and motives so that I can anticipate how to please them or how to get what I want/need; and (2) that we simply forget about the other person/people sometimes...I mean, they are not part of us...there are times when I feel absolutely nothing for the people I "love", and they are impenetrable to me--as in, I have no memory in my head/heart of what they need from me, what my role is for them. If I try to understand, try to jolt myself back into relationship, I just end up confused and they are, too--and hurt (they're hurt, not me). I've been told that I don't love people, I need them. That as soon as a friend needs me, I drop them as soon as possible.
Does any of this sound familiar? Are there other things to add? Do you feel guilty about this? Or sorrowful? (I do...sometimes....)

[kalisha36]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Do we? I mean, do borderlines?
The two blocks seem to be (1) that a return of affection by someone else, turns into permission to need them--with all that that entails, like being hyper-alert to their emotions and motives so that I can anticipate how to please them or how to get what I want/need; and (2) that we simply forget about the other person/people sometimes...I mean, they are not part of us...there are times when I feel absolutely nothing for the people I "love", and they are impenetrable to me--as in, I have no memory in my head/heart of what they need from me, what my role is for them. If I try to understand, try to jolt myself back into relationship, I just end up confused and they are, too--and hurt (they're hurt, not me). I've been told that I don't love people, I need them. That as soon as a friend needs me, I drop them as soon as possible.
Does any of this sound familiar? Are there other things to add? Do you feel guilty about this? Or sorrowful? (I do...sometimes....)

I totally relate to EVERYTHING you just said.... I didn't realize how much I have did this to people in my life until this weekend were I was forced a reality check....Sometimes knowing the pain that I cause those I hurt when it's been made known to me actually causes me to become angry and I will actually try to pick fight's to get whom ever it is usually my or other friendships that I think wont car about me anyway however my , husband get's tossed aside more often that not (so ashamed to say that) I am working on that but I will get very angry with him when I am VERY GUILTY inside and want more then anything to apologize and make it right? I will try to get him to leave me...Make me suffer for being so AWFUL....I am trying so hard to learn to balance a relationship? Very good topic.....
Kalisha

[bpd2]

I'm workiing on this, too. My therapist is working with me to accept service to others as a way to feel worthy of love, as a way to show appreciation for others' gifts to me, and, especially, as a way to reconcile myself to fulfilling the obligations and responsibilities I accepted and created when I married and had children...the idea is to create a habit that will sustain us all whenever I check out and drift emotionally.

It's hard. I'm pretty resentful about the whole thing--it feels like negating myself, like only being, living for others, not for myself...like (sort of paradoxically, I guess) I don't matter at all...

I think this is important to try, though. Maybe it will lead me to more peace than I feel now--at least more freedom from guilt?

[cluelessgluten]

I too can relate with this. I even once told my wife that I did not love her. When we would fight and she said she was leaving, I would (without emotion) tell her goodby. I would genuinely not care if she left or not. I'm not sure if she was more pissed off or hurt. She would come home after she cooled off and I would go on like nothing happened. She wanted to talk about the fight but I wanted none of it. She would ask why was I so unhappy with her. I wasn't unhappy I just always felt this empty hole where my heart was supposed to be. It has gotten better. I don't feel like that all the time now. Now it comes and goes. I hate when I feel that way. Sometimes the depression sets in with it. That's when I contemplate my demise. My wife still doesn't understand why I don't just snap out of it. If it were only that easy. You make me wonder do I really love her or is it simply that I need her. Sometimes I think its both. Well any way thanks for posting this. It really does help to get this out of my head and to share it with folks who understand what I'm going through.

[cluelessgluten]

I don't have any friends. Everybody I know from work or even in my family have lots of friends. They hang out at each others homes talk on the phone. You know normal friend stuff. I Don't do any of that. I avoid making freinds and having any kind of relationship with anyone other than work. I try to take an interest in my subordinates because it's my job but deep down I really don't care about them. I want to. I try to. But for some reason I just can't muster the feeling for anyone. I don't know why I avoid forming new bonds but I suspect it maybe due to a fear of being let down again or fear of rejection. I just don't know. Maybe I'm just weirdo.

[kalisha36]

Originally Posted by cluelessgluten

I too can relate with this. I even once told my wife that I did not love her. When we would fight and she said she was leaving, I would (without emotion) tell her goodby. I would genuinely not care if she left or not. I'm not sure if she was more pissed off or hurt. She would come home after she cooled off and I would go on like nothing happened. She wanted to talk about the fight but I wanted none of it. She would ask why was I so unhappy with her. I wasn't unhappy I just always felt this empty hole where my heart was supposed to be. It has gotten better. I don't feel like that all the time now. Now it comes and goes. I hate when I feel that way. Sometimes the depression sets in with it. That's when I contemplate my demise. My wife still doesn't understand why I don't just snap out of it. If it were only that easy. You make me wonder do I really love her or is it simply that I need her. Sometimes I think its both. Well any way thanks for posting this. It really does help to get this out of my head and to share it with folks who understand what I'm going through.

Ugh I am guilty of this too!!! Makes me feel horrible..I tell my husband how much I hate him to make him leave....Then when he tries to leave I block the door I feel so horrible inside, like how could he want me? I am awful to live with...I try really hard to be PERFECT...Always doing everything I can to be the best....Yet I know that he deserves better, so I try to make him leave me because he can't possibly love this monster...Then I think too do I really love him or NEED him? Am I afraid of being alone or is it really LOVE? This is when I think what if he died? What if he never came home? That thought paralyzes me in a way nothing else could possibly stop my heart The idea of how much love that I do have for him but it seems that it is illogical that he could love me? I start to think what's wrong with him? Ugh then my whole head get's paranoid again. I have so many scars from my ugly triggers that mark my arms and body from these illnesses I carry. Yet he stay's by my side? Thru the memories the crappy in-laws!!!! So I understand..... Sometimes feel so worthless and evil....Arg pathetic really....

Kalisha

[cluelessgluten]

Kalisha, I think we are both very lucky people to have some what love us unconditionaly like they do. Despite that knowing doesn't take away the fear. The fear that she will meet someone better. That she will just replace me. That she will just throw me out with the garbage. Thats what I feel like sometimes just a piece of trash. My mood swings don't happen as often as they use to and are usually triggered by something but I still put her through more than anyone desreves. I am always getting her gifts and I try to spoil her and keep her happy and not want to leave. She told me last month if I need anger management. I still snap and she doesn't like it. I really think she's going to leave me before it's over. How much can one person take. I don't have scares but I do have lumps in my head from hitting myself. That how I deal with it. I hit myself in the head. so much rage. so much sadness. sometimes in traffic when I see an 18 wheeler coming I think to my self(it wont hurt just let go of the brake and she wont have to deal with your stupidity anymore.) my kids see this. I am so scared they will learn this behavior and be the same way I learned it from my mom. She is either bipolar or BPD. I don't know which but when she is in a mood no one wants to be around her. My kids are going to be the same way. I going to die a lonley pathetic old man. if I make that far.

I dont relate to any of this....... being borderline...these posts frighten me cause of the hyper negative attitudes toward bpds already.I find it nearly impossible to ask for what I need...I "feel" everything from and for everyone....noooooo this does not sound familiar.I do not "pick fights"with anyone ...ever....I may spill over from hurt and voice something but even then I am incapable of being "nasty" to them.I WISH I lived only for others,and feel guilty for haveing any needs whatsoever...I do avoid ppl cause I dont wanna get hurt....and I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders to the point it consumes me.I do not "hate" ANYONE and am incapable.I feel guilty for harming even a bug.This entire post cripples me to thinkI have a diagnosis in common.I must not be BPD.This all sounds like something utterly different.Now I wonder what my diagnosis actually is.I have never ever ever said mean things to my husband.Just discussing my needs hurts me.I withdraw if upset...nothing more .Gah....I dont relate to any of this....

[cluelessgluten]

Wolfsong,
I am glad you don't share these things with me. It scares me too that at a moments notice I can loose my cool go off the deep end. I hate it. I hate myself being this way. I hate the fear of being left alone. The nagging thought that she will find someone better and leave me just like everyone else did.

Dont hate you.What good does that do?...Please dont hate you....just evaluate your behavior and reassess the action/ choices you make.Life is all choices.I feel empathy for you ....for your heart and struggles...truely...but at the end of the day...we have power of choice to examine our thought patterns and the choices we make.Please read some of my posts on the diagnosis.I be right back to tell you the names of them.Called borderline train wreck.pm me any time ever!!

[kalisha36]

This is exactly why I hate posting how I FEEL or my reactions to situations...Just because I share a dx like BPD dose not mean that we all have the same experience with it...This makes me not want to post here! I am sorry I replied, however the only person in the world that see's this side of me is my husband....Everyone else in my life dose see some one else. has and dose take advantage of me uses all of me to the whatever degree the want...I say nothing I am passive and take everything...I guess in my life some things have to give! Does not make the actions RIGHT nor was I saying they are, however I do know that in my therapy this can be a behavior that is typical in BPD. But I will crawl back in my hole and hide my shame....Sorry and apologizes

[cluelessgluten]

kalisha, I had the same reaction. but don't get discouraged. you are right we are all not the same. but maybe wolf is right and she is not BPD. who knows. I do know that I do share of common stories with you and many others here, and it is nice to be able to share this with a bit of anonymity. I put things here that I would tell no one in real life out of shame. Why do our spouses seem to take most of this. Although folks at work have gotten a taste of it from time to time. They have to mess with me on a bad day and bam Im knocking stuff off my desk or kicking something. Never hit myself in front of anyone other than my wife and kids.

[cluelessgluten]

Wolfsong, I think the reason you are befriended by us is because we feel so alone. It is a hard concept for me to explain but I will try from my perspective. I find my self in a dark place ashamed. I dare not speak of my evil to anyone. Only those who love me know my sins for they are on the receiving end of my rage. I am volitile. Who knows what will set me off. I love my wife but push her away. I know she deserves better than me. I just know she will someone who is twice the man I am and leave me. I tell her I don't love but lock her in the house and beg her not to leave. We have so many shattered things in the house. Not the least of.which is her heart. No one knows my pain, and when I hear people talk about some I know with bipolar. I wonder what harsh words the would have for me. I say nothing to them to out of fear they will figure me out. Paranoid to be labled crazy even though in my heart I know. So when I met lakisha and some others on hear I instantly felt a bond. Finally some one who gets me. Some one who will not judge me. Some one I can share with. Someone who will share with me. We are probably some of the most loyal people you will meet. If We warm up to you that is.

[kalisha36]

Words on a forum can never ever show emotions no matter what your trying to express.........One thing is that although having BPD I also suffer other things like we all do....Protective sides get in the way when they feel they have to protect me!!! Not the first not the last....Were all human we all have feelings and just because some of us get hurt or can't read between the lines dose not mean that we are or should be shunned! However such is life....... And the prison continues ((((((((sigh)))))))))))

[cluelessgluten]

Originally Posted by kalisha36

Words on a forum can never ever show emotions no matter what your trying to express.........One thing is that although having BPD I also suffer other things like we all do....Protective sides get in the way when they feel they have to protect me!!! Not the first not the last....Were all human we all have feelings and just because some of us get hurt or can't read between the lines dose not mean that we are or should be shunned! However such is life....... And the prison continues ((((((((sigh)))))))))))

We are very complex. very good point. Words can show emotion but I am not a skilled writer so I am unable to express myslef as eloquently as I would like.

am trying to have admin remove my part here it'll be done soon ....be well trust me I am sorry I typed a word

[bpd2]

This is too bad...this "rupture"....here's what I know about borderline general attitude: we either withdraw, or we fight. Both are borderline. When we have been terribly wounded, we withdraw almost completely, in very, very many ways, and we are very, very sensitive--to the point of negating our own needs. If we were less abused or less misunderstood, we "fight"...we argue, we try to get what we need.

I don't know how to diagnose anyone for sure. I do know, though, that people with a shared diagnosis are still completely different people.

I respect that my experience is not someone else's. If it's not their experience, though, I appreciate that they listened to me, but I don't feel the need for them to KEEP listening to me, even though they gave me the courtesy of hearing what my issue was. But I do HOPE that they will pick up another thread and check-out what's up. Maybe that will connect more.

That's all...I hope no one expects more of me? I won't always be able to relate, either....but I'm also not going to ...shun?...those whose posts scared me.....

Maybe I've misread something here? I hope not.

I do share everything posted in this thread...at times. My experiences and behaviors most often fit everyone's posted here who have trouble with relationships--anger, dissociation, emptiness, disconnection........but sometimes, I am very tender, and that is real and true. But it is rare for me, and I miss it terribly when it's gone, and I feel more monstrous in contrast.....

[sugahorse1]

BPD2 - that's exactly me. I need people too much. I battle to tell them what I need though.
I become very clingy; I end up killing the relationship. And then feel even more lonely.

Sometimes I think there isn't enough love in the world to satisfy the perceived needs of a BPD person.

[bpd2]

Short of hugging me every nine seconds and cooing in my ear when I feel anxious, I wouldn't believe it......and then, there'd be a problem with THAT because, if the person was taking care of me in such a simple way, who the heck is taking care of me in terms of the world? I mean....if my husband's here, he's not working. So....who's taking care of our family's financial security?

Maybe having such a struggle with asking for what we need/want is because we haven't sorted out what is a need, and what is a want. I'm trying to do that...If I can name my needs, and, after all...needs are few (but huge) then I can look at what it is I really want to ask for, see how impossible that is to get--or to get every second. So, I'm beginning to learn what I can realistically ask for. It makes me sad. It's still an exercise, almost all the time, but it is helping me feel, actually, safer in relationships. It's also making me very careful in relationships right now. It's so difficult to be so aware of what emotions I am acting on and why I am responding so strongly to some limit. I try to ask myself what need I am getting desperate/angry about...and is that response realistic.