I am a mess?

Backwards forwards up down....Rage sad, nothing something...Attachment abandonment, knowledge ignorance....ugh......Wanting out..........feeling cant take it...breaking letting go.......falling bouncing wandering running....sinking racing???? belligerent....yet highly wishing that it was just the end breathing was non existent at this point..nothing more to say pathetic end to an endless conclusion................!!!!!Wishing i could do something more for everyone yet failing to do what I want to do...Cant fix those that hurt or fulfill the obligations that I want to achieve....Just cease to breathe!!!!

Nope. Not a mess. Just in a messy place.
What you do so very well is be a part of community. It's a dance. And omg does it have some tough moves. Talk about Break dancing! Ai-yi-yi.....

I am so sorry you are in a confusing and frightening place. What might help is to make a narrative of what you are writing. What I mean is, that the above is expression, it is feeling. Narrative would tell the story of what you were doing, hearing seeing, feeling, touching as these times came upon you. You do this for two reasons: it makes you slow down (and this is very hard to do, I know), and it makes you realize that real things are happening--it's not all in your head. There is a third step, but this narrative step is going to take you awhile. I promise it will help. It might take a couple of hours. It probably should take a couple of hours. My experience, when I do this, when I am this way and this my skill to practice, is that it takes me a long time to even be able to stick to the task. I get up, slam my hand on the table, pull on my hair, blah, blah, until I can take deep enough breaths to stay still and LOOK at the page (puter or paper) in front of me. Then I'm stuck at WHERE DO I BEGIN??? and then I get a vivid flash of some moment, and I start there, with that moment. It's OK to express along the way, but the goal is to turn your cries into coherent thoughts so that you can follow the threads of thought instead of getting all tangled up in them--which is what has happened. DO NOT try to make a "spider-map" or balloon outline instead. (If those terms aren't familiar to you, skip it...) Those don't help...they just reinforce that everything is connected to everything else (duh), and there you are, back at the screaming meemies all over again. Don't do that. Instead, work at narrating your experience. DO NOT go over into the next step if you can help it...and the next step is going to be a kind of analysis. SAVE that for tomorrow or even the next day. It may take awhile to calm down, and it's time to give yourself that space and time.

Please do this.

I am sore and tired tonight, and I need to go to bed to get some energy and bounce back for tomorrow. I'll check the thread as soon as I wake up in the morning. I very much want to hear how this goes for you.

I know. I get it. Drink some hot calming tea, breath slow and deep.

Why should I want to cry and hurt and TRIGGER in all the same words....Why such UGLY ______________.....Just to be done....There is a huge trigger right now....I appreciate bpd2 you saying what you just said being tired and all and I will re-read and re-read...I am not the sort that just looks once and stops..I am the sort of person to re-evaluate and really try...I am a good student for some one that NEVER ever got out of HIGH SCHOOL LOL....

I feel abandoned so alone even here OMG??? I want to cry? SCARED?? WEIRD PLACE....Just like it's over?? .......WHY?? Maybe It's understanding? Dunno....Maybe realization I am not alone? Maybe it's that I have to be around allot of kids the next two weeks cuz of winter break? UGH and be "normal" cuz My kids are anything but antisocial....I will surrender to having kids over even when I don't want to and the "other"s who are part of my illness that are teenagers or youngster's themselves that luv to have kids around even though I see it as exhausting....I know this dose not belong HERE but just trying to say that it's a hand in hand why it is overwhelming to me!!!!!!!! DONE....Just wishing it all to go away....I never underestimate any of your suggestions as ugly or as stupid as I may seem atm...So please just excuse my ignorance........Sry for being emotionally imbalanced....I want to be strong...I do.........I just effin suck and wish I could hurt a few hundred people RIGHT NOW????

Sometimes that is way it is with BPD.

It is what it is.

This is very true and sad at the same time

There is nothing at all wrong with limiting the things in your life that are exhausting. In fact, it is taking good care of yourself to do that.

Put a time limit on having friends over and what they can do. Can the kids get together and go do something, like go bowling or to the movies, and then you will have some restful time while they are having fun being together.

Feeling overwhelmed is exhausting and it doesn't feel good. Decide what will feel good and do just that and nothing more. It will teach your kids that you have good healthy limits and good healthy ways of taking care of yourself, of providing the things you need for yourself that others may or may not agree with or understand (which is about them, not about you). When we take good care of us, we don't feel so abandoned

((((kalisha))))
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. I'm all over the board right now too and it's driving me crazy. I just told my t off over the phone yesterday. It's chaos inside me right now. I know it's the bpd and it will change soon, it always does. Try to ride it out. Hang in there.

I'm up for the day now, Kalisha, and I'm looking for your posts. I hope this morning things look more manageable. Echoes is absolutely right. How old are the kids? Depending on the age, all they need is an adult on premises for emergencies. Easy ways to make your presence felt...just to make sure they keep in line and out of trouble: Rice Krispies treats--easy, cheap and kids love them. Cold cider in the fridge, maybe spice some earlier in the day (put it on the stove, throw in some cinnamon sticks and allspice, let it simmer for 20-30 mins), store-bought cookies in those little tubes--Pillsbury? (I never buy those suckers except for Halloween--the little owls and witches--or Christmas--the snowmen) POPCORN and lots of it--and if you're up to it, have the kids string the popcorn and put it out for the birds--remind them not to string it too tightly, and keep the threads no longer than an arm's lenbgth or everyone will just get pissed at getting all tangled up, then let them decorate a tree outside--or a railing, whatever. ............There is really no way to control the noise, but one thing I've done is try to get them to sit down to a movie-fest--each kid brings a movie, they either choose which to start with, or they draw straws. If there are girls have them bring make-up to play around with make-overs--that keeps them very quiet, very intent! (Freaked me out when my kids got serious about make-up...I had to learn it along with them....not a big make-up wearer). Also, the merchants have a kids movie day--three of them. If it's a parents-rotate-the-burden thing and it would make you feel better to do that, try to manage to be the one who takes kids places and drops them off--then the noise is out of your house, at some supervised event, and other parents are grateful that they get to stay home in their slippers, and the don't have a clue that you are desperate for the peace.

Any other practical suggestions from the forum? Maybe it's own thread?

Kalisha, I have been exactly where you are. I hope I never am again, but, you know what?, I'm not counting on it. Now, I know more, though, and my kids are older.......I've been working on writing down blessings everyday.....I suck at this....can't seem to get it together to actually write them down...but I think about what I would write. As we go into the holidays, one of the blessings I've been grateful for is that my kids are older and more independent. I can't wait until they can drive! Now, at their age, the trick for me is to not drift away, but to stay Mom. Parenting is sure to be a struggle for everyone, but I am absolutely positive that we have it bad. But, also, my children are the best thing I've ever done....even by just being here, being their mom.

Post soon, okay? We're here, and we get it.

Tru dat Baltazar and Skully

Kalisha, how are you?

((((((((Bpd2))))))))

Thank you for post! I have 3 extra kids on top of mine We all know that sometimes being a parent is the best job of self sacrificing....Seeing my kids happy is great for me...I am actually floating in a high place above me right now..Trying to stay grounded but anxiety is at high levels...My middle daughter is going into the big city tonight. Umm I am very protective with my kids do to allot of my past (a*use)...Anyhoo, point is I know that it will only be the mom and the daughter and my daughter, but I am sick, sick...Part of letting children grow is simply doing THAT...My own memories have kicked in and flashbacks are at a high point. I am basically living in dissociative state to deal? Wont talk to T cuz I am still made at her... She was very kind and did apologize but it really hurt my feelings that she tells me to write things and I do then she get's all excited about ONE SENTENCE that my well condition is not ready to DEAL WITH...Point so sorry that's why I refrained from writing I am all over the place However it's a beautiful very cold day up here...I am starting all my pizza dough it's cheap home made and kids can eat till there sick...So that's what I have to feed them lot's of any kids of pizza they want...Erm popcorn, chips salsa...I made pie...A couple cheap candy dishes, crystal light cheap and good for you, some cheap diet soda....Movies and we have games systems on each floor thank goodness for just being patient and saving money so that's taken care of...The girls have list complied of what there going to do...So yeah...I am almost in tears, laughing, and exhausted reading this all at the same time lol...But I did want to check in...You all have been wonderful in suggestions and just all over a great sounding board for me and just thank you......

It sounds like you've prepared well--very smart! My kids like Crystal Light, too....and hot Tang! And hot jello--I taught them about that from skiing. I don't know why we did it back then, but it was big with us--and great for your fingernails!!! lol
Yep, teaching kids to be independent.....right after we try and try to meet their dependent needs--it's crazy--but yes, exactly what we're supposed to do.
A certain amount of energy is inevitable with any party, remember that...and a certain amount of drop in energy. What are your plans for tomorrow? Can you plan ahead for calm? And ask your girls to prepare for that, too?
(((Kalisha))) Good job!

Kids won't be gone till late evening :O Dunno....My body is failing atm...I am holding back burning tears...Were getting ready for our normal Sunday routine. Which is more people Trying not to cry atm..All my pizza dough is in the bowls so it will be rising while were gone...I made 7!! So that should feed them through out today into tomorrow???...OMG...I have a migraine too...Voices are overwhelming me...I am being triggered by body memories...Yikes...But I will make it...Always do...It's just always been...Have not even told husband cuz well then he will be irritated as to why I am putting kids first? No one get's it...Sigh..Oh and my youngest girl is just being err NAUGHTY...She's 9!!! I am just trying to write not to bawl or do any SI....Well I have to go get ready to leave soon.... It will work it always does? Sigh....Thanks for all the tips....Never thought about the jello thing...Good one!!!

Is there anyone near who can step in and help? Better an irritated husband than a melt down, sweetie...

It sounds like you are overwhelmed by all that is expected of you and feel like you will let your children and others down if you can't live up to expectations.

You will drive yourself into the ground trying to please everyone and end up worse. You have to operate within the limits of your capablities and let others know what you can do and cannot do. You are thoughtful and trying hard, that should be obvious to those that are close to. If they care and I am sure they do they will understand if you let them know.