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#1
Dec 22, 2010, 11:07 PM
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When you just face that gloom that just hypnotizes you into utter failure no matter what? You have this aura that draws people to your energy to ask you to do, do, do...You say YES of course cuz you don't want to disappoint them, however when they start making the phone calls you NEVER answer the phone that's what caller ID is for. Then you feel like your a prisoner in your own house....Cuz then you have to make up excuses as to why you always say YES in person, and yet you can't answer your phone....Your so low on energy that your starting to get enraged at these people whom don't freaking GET that you freaking struggling to LIVE!!! However you could not explain it to them if you tried, some people believe it or not you have tried
 ...It falls on deaf ears cuz guess what they see, a walking talking energetic person. A 36 year old mom that they know cuz guess what they have seen you have huge *** needles shoved in your knee caps to walk cuz yes NOT one but BOTH your freaking KNEES are blown, YES blown nothing effing left!!! However your too young to have KNEE replacement surgery...So you deal with it...Fine..These same people see you run 100miles per hour cuz half the time your manic cuz your effed up!!!!!!You have to in order not to crash!!! OMG...I feel like I am going to explode...I am under so much internal pressure my heart might explode yet I just want to give and make people happy...I want to cry but rarely DO!!!!GOD help me...Make it one more day
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the past is my future. the pain is my emotion that is my prison. what I feel is as confusing as to why I feel it? |
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#2
Dec 22, 2010, 11:21 PM
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I know the feeling, and it freaking sucks! Hang in there, it's NEVER as bad as you believe it is. I'll stop and look around me sometimes and just think, "what the hell is going on around me? Who am I? PLEASE just let me understand what. just what?!?" but an answer never comes. I always feel like i'm in a movie, or that "i'm" not real, but my body is, and i'm just connected to it and watching as it plays out it's life.
The worst part is that I cant tell my family and others around me that i'm not ok, because i am ok, i'm doing all the right things, I have no desire to mess up my life at all, I'm outgoing in front of other people, but I never feel that way... I've learned that it's all a mind game though. There is nothing wrong, I am living in the same world as people that dont feel confused like this, the only difference between me and them is that I choose to be confused, for whatever reason. I dont know if this will help you, but for me, there came a time where I just accepted that the way I view my world is different, and instead of constantly trying to figure out why or how to fix it, I just accepted it and started forcing myself to find intrest in other things, anything else. |
 Amy, kalisha36
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#3
Dec 22, 2010, 11:36 PM
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((((kalisha)))) I'm so sorry. I wish I could help. I feel the same way. I actually texted my t like 5 times in one hour today - she finally just called me. I'm finally learning to say no to things - it can be done. I had to decide that I needed time to pull my family in and focus on them and my relationship with them. When I decided that, it made it much easier to say no to outside stuff. It didn't feel selfish anymore because I needed to say no for the sake of my family. I'm not sure that I really needed to do that for my family, but it gave me a good reason to give when I say no. Although, I'm not sure anyone ever asks me why when I say no. Anyway, I'm sorry you feel like you're going to explode. I know the feeling well and it really stinks. I pray that you can relax a little over Christmas, enjoy your family and ignore the expectations (internal and external). This is supposed to be a time for peace, not stress. If only we could do that.
 that's the most hugs it will let me give you!
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| kalisha36
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#4
Dec 23, 2010, 12:04 AM
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I feel ya on this. I wish I had some advice to offer. I will say this, as hard as it is to do saying NO is OK. sometimes you just need time for yourself. I sorry to hear your having such a hard time and hope things get better for you. I hope you have a good christmas.
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"Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana d.1952 |
| kalisha36
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#5
Dec 23, 2010, 12:26 AM
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thank you all for your replies...I value each one...I even replied to T today? Can't even remember what I said..I had a dr.s appointment that just showed more medical issues and I just am physically stressing too! I don't have time for me!! That's just the way my system works...My husbands health is at most important to me! Will feel a little better when he has his test I think, but at present I feel something I can't post here as it is a TRIGGER!!! Just fed up and done...My energy level has just absolutely depleted. Have been in contact like said with Dr. and T...Nothing much can be done at this point. Just well yeah...We all have our breaking points....I am having body memories from therapy and flashbacks and just not sleeping but it's expected...Therapy is slow too not pressured...It's my life...It's what it's like to live with the crap that it is.....I am tired..............
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the past is my future. the pain is my emotion that is my prison. what I feel is as confusing as to why I feel it? |
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#6
Dec 23, 2010, 12:28 AM
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(((((kalisha)))))
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| kalisha36
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#7
Dec 23, 2010, 12:49 AM
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I'm so sorry. I really feel your pain. As frustrating is it may seem, you actually can take some time out and look after yourself. DO some self-exploring, make some time for you.
Don't feel guilt about saying No: Just do what you can do. As long as you make peace with the face that your 100% is good enough for you - stop worrying what others think of your 100%. We love and care for you - we go thro these emotions to. It's not easy, but it will become easier with time
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"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
| kalisha36
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#8
Dec 23, 2010, 01:02 AM
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(((((((((sugahorse))))))))Everyone all of you........Please know all of your replies are not falling on deaf ears.....I just have no words right now!!!!!!!! I am just numb and feeling well like at ends with all selves in me!
I have let myself down with SI way to many times in the last couple of days...My mother has actually told me things that have helped contribute to the memories that I already knew so that I am thankful but sickens me too! I also have DID so alter's are all over the place right now with wanting to come out and I am trying so hard to stay present!!!!!!!!! Not loose co-consciousness well working thru so many other issues....I feel I am just losing control? I do not celebrate the holiday's I really respect all of you that have the added stress of that too!That's not something I believe in. However I appreciate all peoples believes... Thank you all for listening and being supportive...I am just not well..I chose not to go to the hospital...My T is not supportive for that environment for me...In every time I have went it has never ever done well for me!.....NOT saying that is the case for everyone...... I just feel so weak....Guy's so tired...Just wish I could not wake up...NOT an option I know...I am just so done....I wish me an my ole 16 year ole dog could go together....So no guilt just glory? 
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the past is my future. the pain is my emotion that is my prison. what I feel is as confusing as to why I feel it? |
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#9
Dec 23, 2010, 01:12 AM
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You have to stay on top of your life. Only you can make that decision that you want to carry on with life. I know that right now it doesn't makes sense to have to push through the pain, but looking back you'll understand why. And you'll see what you could have lost and missed.
Take it easy on yourself. Start trying to journal and put your thoughts on paper. Discuss this with you T. I know you are feeling tired and hurt, but know that this will pass. Christmas is often difficult for people; but we are here for you.
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#10
Dec 23, 2010, 01:27 AM
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understandably yes I get that it's got to my decision to make my decision to keep going and that I am trying to do...By talking staying aware making dr.s appointments and even reaching out to my T!..I do journal and stuff too....Obviously I have more in my life then to just check out cuz I have other lives to think about then me!!! I understand...Words are words...Just trying to express ugly ridiculous feelings. like I said I appreciate all responses...I know we are all going thru are own stuff and it's hard and appreciate all responses...Thank you very much...My mind is sick and memories are just hurting and voices are just contributing
 ...I guess I shouldn't be writing right now...So sorry!!!!No harm or triggers meant....
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the past is my future. the pain is my emotion that is my prison. what I feel is as confusing as to why I feel it? |
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#11
Dec 23, 2010, 01:51 AM
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You will find a sense of healing and understanding by talking - you're doing well. Your feelings are not unique and thay are very real. Thanks for sharing. We're just trying to offer some support.
I'm glad these are just random thoughts and not things you are thinking about. We're here for you xx. Every day will get better. Don't let the illness talk louder than your logical voice!
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"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn Last edited by sugahorse1; Dec 23, 2010 at 01:51 AM. Reason: spelling |
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#12
Dec 23, 2010, 02:46 AM
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Quote:
I wish I had more insight but sometimes I am clueless how to help myself. hense my name. I have found it helps to get away from the things that trigger memories. I guess that is why I don't visit my parents much. I may not share your level of pain but I do understand what you are going thru. Please hang in there you are not alone in here or out there.
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"Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana d.1952 |
| kalisha36
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#13
Dec 23, 2010, 03:59 AM
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Dear Kalisha, rest as soon as you can, maybe self-soothe by letting your body simply function: it takes the burden of all the stress of our heads and hearts...
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| kalisha36
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#14
Dec 23, 2010, 01:25 PM
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No real words, just feeling pissy and angry and crap....Just know I appreciate you (((((all))))!!!
__________________
the past is my future. the pain is my emotion that is my prison. what I feel is as confusing as to why I feel it? |
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#15
Dec 23, 2010, 01:34 PM
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, kalisha.
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| kalisha36
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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