What's Helped Me the Most

I'm also a recovering alcoholic (19 years) and suffer from depression.

I'm very different from the out-of-control person I used to be. What's helped me a great deal is anti-depressant medication, prescribed when I had a major depression. It was so bad I couldn't get out of bed, so bad I couldn't even kill myself I have two wonderful doctors who prescribed Effexor and Wellbutrin. When the meds kicked in I turned into another person completely. Not only was my depression gone, but so was rage and anger. I could still feel anger, but I was able to decide whether to express it or not. My rational mind was in charge, probably for the first time in my life. I felt abandonment at times, but again, was able to deal with it without acting on it.

It was such a big change that it took me months to get used to the new me. I asked, is this me without depression or is this the meds. Whatever, I knew I'd take it.

The other thing that helped a lot was Cognitive Therapy. I'd been in regular therapy for years than never seemed to result in change. But with CT, my therapist and I decided which things I wanted to change, and then I had to actually do things differently.

For example, when I date someone I like, I have a hard time putting up boundaries. With CT, I went on a date knowing I was going to say and do different things. It was tough at first, but I did them and it worked.

I can't say I'm suddenly poster girl for mental health week, , but life is a hell of a lot better. Because I don't screw up as much I like myself more. Most of all, I feel hope.

So don't give up. We can change.

I recently looked into the bpd patient's guide by Fusco and Freeman--I don't have the therapist's guide or a narrative manual. I just have the patient's guide. I started taking myself through the exercises in it, found them difficult and confusing because they brought up instant emotional blocks for me. But I kept going back because the questions are very, very good. I"m working in itnow, in a section called "Seeing Red: Keeping Your Cool". I am impressed. And, at the bottom of the page, the credits for the exercises almost always go to J. S. Beck, Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. I'll be buying that book next.

I have yet to put anything into action. We'll see if I get that far. I hope to.

I am often confused in doing this on my own. I think I'll get the manual, the text that goes with the workbook (doh!!!) and see if I can sort that out. If not, and if it's making sense to me to stick with it, I think I'll look for cbt...It's worth a try. DBT helped me tremendously, but I want more improvement, and I've been through DBT three times, none of which was probably done as really should be done: Once might have been a year long....I don't remember, but it hardly slowed me down. The second time around, I began to get it and it helped a very great deal. A year ago, I had a rather bizarre three-month course at a local mental health agency....I needed a refresher, but that's as good as it gets around here.

I like a great many of the skills in DBT, and we need a collection of skills. What I'm doing now, though, it appears, is branching out into "sources"--like mindfulness on it's own, communication and relationship skills on their own, now some cbt............

Different things are helping me at different times, it seems. Which sounds perfectly reasonable....

Yes, it's just you keep trying and things do improve. My AA sponsor suggested that I compare myself to myself instead of comparing myself with other people, where I'll invariably loose. I was in regular talk therapy for 20 years and it didn't seem to make much difference, although I certainly understood why I acted as I did. It was so much more powerful to actually make a change, to walk through it, with the help of a caring therapist. We never got into discussions of why I acted in a certain way, only did what worked. Of course some things I just don't want to change even though I know they hurt me (like giving up ice cream). In other instances it takes me some time to see the problem is mine and not someone else. But you just keep trying and at least self-esteem improves.

It calls for a lot of responsibility, doesn't it?.....I couldn't even contemplate trying it without the years of DBT, talk therapy, and......raising kids!!!

It's a huge step--taking responsibility for changing, giving up the idea of someone else saving me, keeping me from harm...