[shezbut]

My mom has a bad habit of negating (is that a word?) my experiences.

No matter what I'm going through in life, I'm over-reacting. It's not that bad. It'll be okay. I'll get over it. She's been through worse. Etc..

Even after my freaking brain surgery, and the pain medicine didn't help at all, my mom minimized the experience! Oh, it's not that bad. "you'll get better soon." Instead, I felt abandoned!

My feelings and reactions have always been questioned by her. She never agreed with how I felt. My father didn't react at all. He's always been emotionally distant, and I don't feel resentment towards him. Maybe because at least he wasn't negative.

GRRRR! My mom won't change. That's her personality ~ it's who she is. But, I know that I can't handle being around her at all. It only brings me down when I do see her. I s'pose that is due to her making me question every single thing I think and feel. Thanks a lot mom!

[tattoogirl33]

wow.. memories like that suck!! especially when the are much like the present. I'm so sorry your mother wasn't more compasionate and sensitive! (((HUGS shezbut)))

Let it all out though, we are here to listen and most of us can relate all too well..

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry for your pain - that's the last way a mother should treat her children. It's good that you realize she is the one with the problem!

[Irine]

sorry for your pain.
wow
you know - i feel my mom did the same to me. not EXACTLY
On the surface she would be loving and worrying too much ...but in truth....
The DEEP things that really mattered to me! she would say always "live easier" and without realizing what she was doing distracted and put me away from my awareness!

Of course learning about dissociative disorders and abuse taught me WHY.....

Yep, Shezubut, you've described the experience perfectly! We are "invalidated" as children. What we think or feel is "wrong". If we tell a caretaker that we feel "sad" or "hurt", we told we're overreacting or "silly". Our first reaction to a situation is often labeled as wrong or an "overreaction". Often it isn't our parents who are harsh, punative or "bad". Sometimes it's a caretaker or a teacher. .. but sometimes it's a parent. It's because they don't feel or see the world the same way we do! OR our parent is too invested in how they think or feel the world is to them. or how it's suppose to be to them . . .some parents are too narcacisstic. Sometimes it's hard for them to separate what they think or feel from their children and we ( the children) end up being them! It's hard to tell sometimes how we actually grew u and moved onto our own lives. Sometimes we just know that everything seem slightly off or at least we felt slight off when we compared ourselves to everyone else. Tought lesson in life, huh?

[complic8d]

Uh, do we have the same mom?
Mine does the exact same thing. Minimizes what I am going through, and how her situation is always worse. Sometimes her answer is, "well, you survived, didn't you?" Like surviving is the point. When I was a teen I explained having suicidal thoughts. Her response, "Don't be ridiculous!"
It really hurts to not be validated, especially when it's over and over again. I have had to stop looking to my mom for that validation. My therapist is very validating and it feels good to be heard and felt. I hope you can find other people to fill those needs, and, of course, there is always PC! We DO feel your pain.
Take care

[Irine]

Jaysbird you are so right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is exactly my experience
The sad thing is that when you try to point it out in order to explain and "stay close" as your parents declair they want you to be - they deny it and get all defensive and again blame you for being ungrateful!

[lotusflames]

hun, i feel the same about my family! you aren't alone

[beautifuldisaster78]

I was always called a drama queen by my mom. She never intended it maliciously- my mom and I are pretty close- but she did make light of my feelings. And growing up my dad was just distant. The drama queen thing stuck with me though. It hurt a lot.

Oh and also too- if I confronted my mom about that now, she wouldn't get defensive or mad at me- shed cry and blame herself and get even more depressed.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by beautifuldisaster78

Oh and also too- if I confronted my mom about that now, she wouldn't get defensive or mad at me- shed cry and blame herself and get even more depressed.

Exactly!! It drives me crazy

[shezbut]

Thank you complic8d!

Yep ~ our Mom's are like twins!

I do have therapy. My T validates my emotions, thankfully, but I feel a lot of internal pressure to work harder to have a relationship with my mom. I don't know why it's bothering me so much ~ but I keep having nightmares about her! Almost every night. UGH!

[shezbut]

Yes ~ that drives me crazy!

[shezbut]

Jaybird,

Thank you so much for validating my experience, and how my mom's behavior hurt me. You put the experience more collectively. Thank you!