[Martina]

I just fired my psych nurse that I was seeing for 3 years. Rather than getting the guts up to tell her everything that was bothering me, I let it build up until I just couldn't take it anymore. And now I'm on to someone else.

She works in the same building as my new therapist, and I purposely schedule my appointments with the therapist on Mondays, because the psych nurse doesn't work Mondays.

I was trying to ditch my cable company for TV and internet yesterday, but then I spent over 2 hours on the phone with the phone company trying to set up DSL and thought it was working and then it didn't. So now I'm pissed at the DSL company and my husband is calling them today to cancel. We're still going to ditch cable TV but we're stuck with cable internet, there's no other options here (well, there's sattelite internet, but that's extremely expensive)

And my husband and I got to talking and now I'm all excited about moving to Arizona. I hate heat. I haven't held down a job for more than 2 years at a time. My resume looks like ****. 7 jobs in 8 years since I graduated from college. When I was unemployed they wanted my entire employment history....forever....and I had been at 28 jobs and I was 28 years old. I've only been fired once, but one time I quit before they'd fire me. Both times due to my mental illness. I'm not happy at my current job, so I'm looking again. Why can't I just stay put?

I got a fortune cookie the other day, it said "You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily." It's so dead-on to my life right now, I'm going to play the numbers on it in the lottery today. Yeah, stupid, I know. It's only a dollar. Better than blowing it on a candy bar and getting fat.

Why can't I just stick around, even when things aren't going my way? Why do I run and hide? Will I ever find a "home"? Will I ever be happy with what I've got? I have a husband who loves me, an adorable little girl who is the light of my life, I HAVE a job, which is more than many people can say, and we have a nice place to live. Why do I always want something more?

[ECHOES]

(((Martina))) You have many very good questions, and really good insights.

I have had a bad pattern of running in big ways (packed up and moved 1,000 miles the last time) and small ways (ending relationships, quitting jobs).

As I've discovered in therapy, all if it can be traced back to the beginning behavior of closing my mind to thinking about things.

When I won't let myself think about things, I don't let myself see all of what there is to see about the 'place' where I am and what it's about. I don't ket myself see possible solutions. I think it's about shame. Shame is just so hard to sit with that we will (self- protectively) do about anything to avoid it or relieve the discomfort of it.

If I don't think about why I dislike my job, what about it I dislike, why I dislike the people at work that I do dislike, what I wish my job was like, etc... then I might instead be inclined to label it awful and unbearable and close my mind to possibilities and just quit. By quitting, it is resolved; I am relieved and off the hook.

With my therapist, we explore these things. Although many times, I still just want to say there is no possible way to make it better, it is hopeless. My therapist helps me to not give in to that, to keep exploring and seeing of there are ways to make it better that are not so traumatic to me as quitting and starting over are.

So, I think you have excellent questions and very good insights!

[onmyway]

Hello there. I have a tendency to want to do exactly what you are describing, although often - and it's hard - i STOP! and wait until i am more clear headed before making an ultimate decision.. which has stopped me many times from actually walking out on a situation.

What comes to mind when i read your post is: wherever you go, there you are. So unless/until you deal with the underlying cause of why you feel compelled to leave so many situations - the thing that is going on in YOU, forget about THEM or THAT - you will likely continue in this pattern, which will result in more guilt, shame, and confusion or whatever else this may make you feel. Of course, there are some people or situations that are in fact better off being left behing, but i'm sure you know that's not what i'm referring to.

Another thing i've recently come across is: focus on the positive aspect of, say, your job. Do not let your mind wander over into what's negative (unless it's in a useful, productive manner, as in: perhaps we could change XYZ and that would fix ABC.. and then advocate for that) Otherwise, when you start brooding on something negative about work, deliberately and consistently bring your mind back to someone there you enjoy, or how good the pay is.. whatever. Do this again and again.

Good luck!

[beautifuldisaster78]

Hey- I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there. I too- run when things get hard. I quit my first job after college after only 6months because of conflict with my boss. There were days when I thought she was great and days when I hated her with a passion. I finally decided it was her and left. (i had no diagnosis and never heard of BPD before then). Now at my current job, I've been here for a year and a couple months and am looking again... again, it's an issue with people I work with not the job itself. And a couple weeks ago I was asking my counselor to see him more frequently... but it got harder (him wanting me to share things i didn't want to discuss) and my first reaction was to call and cancel "indefanitly". But I didnt.. and I think I am going to try to stick the job out a little longer too. I'm new to all this, but from what I've read and experienced... it seems those feelings of wanting to quit or change or whatever may leave as quickly as they arrived. Good luck